Dear Lee,
One year ago today you finally had your lung biopsy late in the evening. It would be another 10 days for the results. During this time we re organised a lot of things- cancelled your University of Saskatchewan on line theology class, cancelled some commitments you had in you day timer, passed messages along to people who 'needed to know'. It was the most scary time- not knowing what we were in for. We were still thinking they simply needed to find out what magical pills you could take to get you back in shape. Little did we know...
You appeared relatively calm to me and accepting yet I am sure you must have been scared spit-less. We were a good team thinking together of all the little details we needed to consider. Your sisters were in the Dominican and it was not easy to get a hold of them. We wanted them to be kept in the loop yet we really didn't know too much at this point. It must have been soooo hard for them being so far away and feeling concern and worry. Last year they did make it back in time to see you 4 days before you died. This year back down in the Dominican I am sure they are re living those challenging days.
It is hard for me to believe its been almost a year. Some days it seems like yesterday you were here and on others it feels like forever.I often remind myself we just have this particular moment in our lives. The rawness of loosing you has gone. However re reading old blog posts brings back painful memories. I am very happy that I have moved on. Thank you Lee for everything................
Sunday, 24 February 2013
Thursday, 14 February 2013
Happy Valentines Day
Happy Valentines Day!! As far as I am concerned every day is a day for chocolate. Today I handed out some 'flowers' of chocolate to the seniors at lunch time given to us by a family member. They were thrilled. I may even get some as one senior is not fond of chocolate.
On February 3 I flew out to BC and surprised Kathy after she had finished a Pursuit of Excellence course in Nanaimo. She was indeed shocked to see me and even more shocked when I said I was there for a week. I made these plans way back in October not knowing for sure Kathy would be moving here. Between October and now I visited her in December, she came here in January and while here her house sold in 1 week. It really is amazing how all of this has worked out. It was hard at times to not give up the surprise as many people were in on it.
So now what?! I simply packed Kathy's PUP a 7'shipping cube that had been sitting in her driveway since early December. Kathy sorted through stuff and told me about several things she would like to take. One- her west coast cat tree.She loved it and wanted to take it but convinced herself there was no room for it. I took this as a challenge. Sure enough I got it in . I also squirreled away 4 antique press back chairs, HUGE shop vac, chop saw, shelving units, an 8' ladder and a beautiful wheel barrow I found in the back yard. Kathy is learning that I rise to a challenge on short notice and is delighted when she sees my problem solving gears turn.
The house became more and more bare so we took off with Tristan Kathy's 17 year old border collie x to Victoria for 2 days. We visited with friends, ate Thai food several times and dim sum in China town. Our friends Bunny and Connie visited Friday and the " 4 widows" had a GREAT talk. We heard personal stories, cried, remembered our partners, and talked about gratitude and just how lucky we all are.
We left enough furniture behind to offer Kathy's brother and sister in law a place to stay for a couple of nights. It was so good to see them, have them join us in a farewell party for Kathy put on by the spca volunteers and watch Kathy's eldest son DJ at a bar Saturday night. After I left on the 10th the remaining furniture was picked up and items distributed. Kathy has an appointment with her lawyer for paper signing today at 3 pm then she plans to leave .
I think this is significant she leaves today- Valentines day. Both of us are open to the experiences of giving and receiving. As I approach the anniversary of Lee's death this will bring up 'stuff' for Kathy too. Kathy understands plain and simple.
On February 3 I flew out to BC and surprised Kathy after she had finished a Pursuit of Excellence course in Nanaimo. She was indeed shocked to see me and even more shocked when I said I was there for a week. I made these plans way back in October not knowing for sure Kathy would be moving here. Between October and now I visited her in December, she came here in January and while here her house sold in 1 week. It really is amazing how all of this has worked out. It was hard at times to not give up the surprise as many people were in on it.
So now what?! I simply packed Kathy's PUP a 7'shipping cube that had been sitting in her driveway since early December. Kathy sorted through stuff and told me about several things she would like to take. One- her west coast cat tree.She loved it and wanted to take it but convinced herself there was no room for it. I took this as a challenge. Sure enough I got it in . I also squirreled away 4 antique press back chairs, HUGE shop vac, chop saw, shelving units, an 8' ladder and a beautiful wheel barrow I found in the back yard. Kathy is learning that I rise to a challenge on short notice and is delighted when she sees my problem solving gears turn.
The house became more and more bare so we took off with Tristan Kathy's 17 year old border collie x to Victoria for 2 days. We visited with friends, ate Thai food several times and dim sum in China town. Our friends Bunny and Connie visited Friday and the " 4 widows" had a GREAT talk. We heard personal stories, cried, remembered our partners, and talked about gratitude and just how lucky we all are.
We left enough furniture behind to offer Kathy's brother and sister in law a place to stay for a couple of nights. It was so good to see them, have them join us in a farewell party for Kathy put on by the spca volunteers and watch Kathy's eldest son DJ at a bar Saturday night. After I left on the 10th the remaining furniture was picked up and items distributed. Kathy has an appointment with her lawyer for paper signing today at 3 pm then she plans to leave .
I think this is significant she leaves today- Valentines day. Both of us are open to the experiences of giving and receiving. As I approach the anniversary of Lee's death this will bring up 'stuff' for Kathy too. Kathy understands plain and simple.
Tuesday, 29 January 2013
January Visit with Kathy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w441tko3bWY&feature=em-share_video_user
The above link is a video clip that Kathy did for me after her January visit here. She certainly experienced every kind of winter weather while here.
The above link is a video clip that Kathy did for me after her January visit here. She certainly experienced every kind of winter weather while here.
Monday, 21 January 2013
Milestones passed
Christmas has come and gone and so has the new year. These are known as milestones in the first year of grief. "They" say these times of the year can be hard for many reasons. I am reminded of the many Christmas's Lee worked at the hospital and she would come home to a turkey dinner that I had prepared. We just got used to that day as a work day. I certainly missed her saying grace this year. She always did such a good job and made it sounds very inclusive. Her presence was missed that's for sure.
New Years came and went and was uneventful. We all went to bed at the usual time and did not ring in the new year. I always enjoyed January 1 and this year was as usual. Me enjoying the day.
I got an email in January from a supervisor at Lee's work. The chaplain phone received a message from a former patient of Lee's. The gentleman wished Lee a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. He had improved in the hospital since Lee provided spiritual care for him and now he wanted to thank her. He was shocked to hear of Lee's death when he was called with this new information.
I so often hear stories about Lee's contributions to this world and they were many. I also hear from people who attended the celebration of her life. I may not have had a chance to talk to them that day but they still tell me what a wonderful service we had for her.
This January I received a phone call from my young brother. His partners son just lost his father in an accident on the road. Oh what pain I felt for him. I was lucky. I was older and had a great life. This young boy will have to learn how to live with this loss. The early days of a loss are so darned raw so painful. I really feel for him.
I still think about Lee often. Thoughts of her used to predominate my life. Not any more and this is a sign of moving long this path of grief.
My new relationship with Kathy has certainly been a distraction and a blessing all at the same time. It is so easy to talk about our former partners and so natural. There is room in our relationship for them. There is acceptance and patience to deal with bursts of grief whenever they crop up. We are simply convinced both Judy and Lee would bless this relationship whole heartily. It is good thing.
Kathy visited for 10 days and just went back to Parksville having experienced the worst kind of January. Rain, melting, -35 you name it we had it. Blowing snow, howling winds, snowbanks in the yard, people stuck on the road out front of here. She really got a taste of winter and she passed the test. She grew up in Cranbrook and this reminded her a lot of her childhood.
Our connection has progressed rapidly and deeply so much so that Kathy is moving here early March. I look around and see how life simply goes on. We can resist change, attempt to ignore it but in the end I am embracing what is coming to me. I remain open open open. It feels so darned right. I remain fearless and in the moment the majority of the time and forever grateful for my time with Lee and for this new opportunity. I will not ignore it and I will not waste a moment.
New Years came and went and was uneventful. We all went to bed at the usual time and did not ring in the new year. I always enjoyed January 1 and this year was as usual. Me enjoying the day.
I got an email in January from a supervisor at Lee's work. The chaplain phone received a message from a former patient of Lee's. The gentleman wished Lee a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. He had improved in the hospital since Lee provided spiritual care for him and now he wanted to thank her. He was shocked to hear of Lee's death when he was called with this new information.
I so often hear stories about Lee's contributions to this world and they were many. I also hear from people who attended the celebration of her life. I may not have had a chance to talk to them that day but they still tell me what a wonderful service we had for her.
This January I received a phone call from my young brother. His partners son just lost his father in an accident on the road. Oh what pain I felt for him. I was lucky. I was older and had a great life. This young boy will have to learn how to live with this loss. The early days of a loss are so darned raw so painful. I really feel for him.
I still think about Lee often. Thoughts of her used to predominate my life. Not any more and this is a sign of moving long this path of grief.
My new relationship with Kathy has certainly been a distraction and a blessing all at the same time. It is so easy to talk about our former partners and so natural. There is room in our relationship for them. There is acceptance and patience to deal with bursts of grief whenever they crop up. We are simply convinced both Judy and Lee would bless this relationship whole heartily. It is good thing.
Kathy visited for 10 days and just went back to Parksville having experienced the worst kind of January. Rain, melting, -35 you name it we had it. Blowing snow, howling winds, snowbanks in the yard, people stuck on the road out front of here. She really got a taste of winter and she passed the test. She grew up in Cranbrook and this reminded her a lot of her childhood.
Our connection has progressed rapidly and deeply so much so that Kathy is moving here early March. I look around and see how life simply goes on. We can resist change, attempt to ignore it but in the end I am embracing what is coming to me. I remain open open open. It feels so darned right. I remain fearless and in the moment the majority of the time and forever grateful for my time with Lee and for this new opportunity. I will not ignore it and I will not waste a moment.
Monday, 10 December 2012
December 2 - my 63rd Birthday
On November 27 I flew to Vancouver for a couple of days with Kathy in the big city where I had a chance to re connect with Patricia Sereno. I wanted Kathy to meet her so we met at the Sylvia Hotel for breakfast. Patricia was instrumental in directing me to remain myself, breathe, listen more than talk and simply be in the moment as I went to meet Kathy for the first time. We had a delightful time.
I also got to meet with Kathy's youngest son Jeff and her brother Alan and his wife. Later on the island I met elder son Matthew and his girl friend for dinner. I think I passed the tests! Of course the family is sad that Kathy is pulling up stakes but assurances were given that communication and connections would remain constant and strong. After all, in my words "B.C. is a nice place to visit". On several occasions I met many of Kathy's friends over lunch and coffee and heard their combination of excitement for Kathy and sadness for themselves. And of course I got to meet Kathy's dogs and cats who did their best in all the commotion of a new person in the house plus moving boxes, clean up and upheaval.
My birthday started off with an announcement from Kathy "We are going riding!"
The sun came out and it was a delightful experience led by guide Cec from Saskatchewan. I thought the name of his farm "Tiger Lily" to be rather an odd B.C. name! This would have been enough but no- there was more. A short ride to Tigh Na mara where we had a massage followed by another announcement 'We are spending the night here." Well, a lovely log apartment with jacuzzi tub, fireplace looking out into the forest through patio doors.
I kept thinking all of this could have stopped after the horse back ride but more kept on happening. What a day!
Lee and Judy were certainly a part of this visit. They came up on a daily basis and at the oddest times. For instance in going into a store to buy supplies for the renos Kathy would say "If I were with Judy....." and vice versa. In the end both Kathy and I are 'get in there and get out asap" sort of people. At her home we discovered how to work in the kitchen together, how to take care of own selves and how to share. Lots of stories came up about relating to our former partners and we both said often how blessed we are to have had the opportunities we did with our former loves. Some moments were very emotional. Others were filled with laughter. I have simply become more open more in the moment more appreciative of EVERYTHING as a result of Lee dying. Still so hard to believe..............
The whole trip was an in the moment experience for me. Instead of anticipating sadness at leaving I did my best to to just enjoy the time together. Next trip? Kathy comes to Saskatchewan for 2 weeks in January.
I also got to meet with Kathy's youngest son Jeff and her brother Alan and his wife. Later on the island I met elder son Matthew and his girl friend for dinner. I think I passed the tests! Of course the family is sad that Kathy is pulling up stakes but assurances were given that communication and connections would remain constant and strong. After all, in my words "B.C. is a nice place to visit". On several occasions I met many of Kathy's friends over lunch and coffee and heard their combination of excitement for Kathy and sadness for themselves. And of course I got to meet Kathy's dogs and cats who did their best in all the commotion of a new person in the house plus moving boxes, clean up and upheaval.
My birthday started off with an announcement from Kathy "We are going riding!"
 |
| crossing a deep creek with boots and stirrups raised up high |
 |
| lovely place to stay |
Lee and Judy were certainly a part of this visit. They came up on a daily basis and at the oddest times. For instance in going into a store to buy supplies for the renos Kathy would say "If I were with Judy....." and vice versa. In the end both Kathy and I are 'get in there and get out asap" sort of people. At her home we discovered how to work in the kitchen together, how to take care of own selves and how to share. Lots of stories came up about relating to our former partners and we both said often how blessed we are to have had the opportunities we did with our former loves. Some moments were very emotional. Others were filled with laughter. I have simply become more open more in the moment more appreciative of EVERYTHING as a result of Lee dying. Still so hard to believe..............
The whole trip was an in the moment experience for me. Instead of anticipating sadness at leaving I did my best to to just enjoy the time together. Next trip? Kathy comes to Saskatchewan for 2 weeks in January.
Sunday, 18 November 2012
Confession Time
Dear Lee,
It's time to confess.
Within 2 months of your death I knew for sure I would partner with someone again. It simply did not feel right to imagine living on my own without a partner for my remaining days. And I came to this conclusion because of you. Because of what we had- a relationship that honoured differences first and foremost. We supported each other through thick and thin, through lean times, through crisis, through all the good times. Leaving or quitting was never an option. Honesty and frankness was the foundation. We were so damned good together and quite frankly I want more of it. I cannot have it with you because you up and died on me dammit.
As you know I am perfectly capable of doing life on my own. I am simply a capable person. We didn't take the time to discuss life after you during your last days. I have heard several stories from people who did have that discussion and in all cases the dying partner encouraged the survivor to love again. I am not sure this would have made a difference to me if we would have had 'the talk' so I am making this decision to move on believing that you would bless me whole hearted. I know I would have wanted that for you if the boots were on the other feet.
So on September 5 I contacted a woman who lives on Vancouver Island as she caught my eye on line. Two things drew my attention. She lounged on a couch with a dog and I saw the word 'widow' Here is what I wrote to her:
It's time to confess.
Within 2 months of your death I knew for sure I would partner with someone again. It simply did not feel right to imagine living on my own without a partner for my remaining days. And I came to this conclusion because of you. Because of what we had- a relationship that honoured differences first and foremost. We supported each other through thick and thin, through lean times, through crisis, through all the good times. Leaving or quitting was never an option. Honesty and frankness was the foundation. We were so damned good together and quite frankly I want more of it. I cannot have it with you because you up and died on me dammit.
As you know I am perfectly capable of doing life on my own. I am simply a capable person. We didn't take the time to discuss life after you during your last days. I have heard several stories from people who did have that discussion and in all cases the dying partner encouraged the survivor to love again. I am not sure this would have made a difference to me if we would have had 'the talk' so I am making this decision to move on believing that you would bless me whole hearted. I know I would have wanted that for you if the boots were on the other feet.
So on September 5 I contacted a woman who lives on Vancouver Island as she caught my eye on line. Two things drew my attention. She lounged on a couch with a dog and I saw the word 'widow' Here is what I wrote to her:
Hi I was just cruising POF and your bio popped up. The word widow caught my eye. So sorry for your loss.
I am a recent widow soon it will be 6 months.I write a blog deniseneedham.blogspot.ca the March diary tells the story of my loss. Looking to connect right now. Stay well. Denise
I am a recent widow soon it will be 6 months.I write a blog deniseneedham.blogspot.ca the March diary tells the story of my loss. Looking to connect right now. Stay well. Denise
_______________________________________________________________________
Well it has been absolutely wonderful getting to know her. Ms. Kathy Carter. It is so easy and almost effortless exchanging thoughts and feelings with her. We quickly determined there was potential for a long term relationship and this came from supporting each other in our losses. And so you are a big part of this Lee. Kathy and I both agree that we could easily sit down- the 4 of us- and enjoy each others company. We would all like each other very much.
So risking any judgement and criticism about this decision and walking in a fearless manner I am pleased to announce that Kathy and I are now partners in life and as soon as she moves here (the goal is March) she will be my business partner too. We are not wasting any time in our separate lives so we won't when we are together. Until and unless someone experiences widowhood it is hard to know what its really like. Its worse than trying to describe pregnancy to a never been pregnant woman. We will continue to be extremely grateful for this opportunity to love again and we will celebrate each day as if it were out last. I still don't know what Kathy's favourite colour is but I do know how she wants to die. Our conversations through email and skype cut to the chase. Nothing has been held back. Kathy visited here in October and fell in love with Saskatchewan and this place. I visit her later this month.
What took you and I years to establish we have done it in days. I thank you for that. We learnt to be patient while we made mistakes and we accepted each other as we were. What a gift!
You and I would write a Christmas Solstice letter every year and I have been thinking about that a lot. I re read the past ones and they were filled with news about our love for horses and treks, challenges and our love for each other. I assume that people who know us know of your death so I will likely simply connect via email to people I normally contact at this time of year. I will direct them to this blog and they can catch up on the news.
There is no sense in re writing anything or offering a year summary as I have spent this year keeping my life out there in the raw. I have learnt fearless behaviour, committed myself more to being in the moment and I am forging ahead at my usual waste no time pace.
This latest news should not surprise you at all nor will it likely surprise anyone who knows me well.
Wish me well. Love you always Denise
Saturday, 10 November 2012
Snow Snow Lee where are you?
Lots of snow fell through the night and all day today. Its expected to continue through until tomorrow. I decided to get ahead of the game and did some removal today. This used to be Lee's job and she enjoyed it for the most part. If the equipment worked well , she was happy. I would take hot chocolate out to her and tell her she was doing a fine job even though I thought at the time she could be doing it differently.
Snow removal is tricky. First off where is the wind blowing from and to and where do I start? The idea is to blow once and that's it. If I screw up and miscalculate I end up blowing the same snow several times. The old tractor had a cab. This newer John Deer does not. The blower is on the back so I have to drive it backwards and blow. I get a sore neck after a while. One hour is my limit and thank goodness I can get a lot done in that hour. I had cleaned off the entire ramp in the morning then I filled it all back in with blown snow. I call it exercise when I do the second removal.
I miss Lee for lots of reasons and today is no exception. I'd give anything to look out the window and watch her.
snow fell through the night
driving back ass wards
Snow removal is tricky. First off where is the wind blowing from and to and where do I start? The idea is to blow once and that's it. If I screw up and miscalculate I end up blowing the same snow several times. The old tractor had a cab. This newer John Deer does not. The blower is on the back so I have to drive it backwards and blow. I get a sore neck after a while. One hour is my limit and thank goodness I can get a lot done in that hour. I had cleaned off the entire ramp in the morning then I filled it all back in with blown snow. I call it exercise when I do the second removal.
I miss Lee for lots of reasons and today is no exception. I'd give anything to look out the window and watch her.
snow fell through the night
driving back ass wards
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