Twenty years ago we went to our first folk festival in Regina. Back then it was free and at half time during the evening concerts they passed KFC buckets around to collect money to support the festival. I think they had several years 'in the hole' and now they charge $110 for a 3 day pass. Bruce Steele of CBC fame used to MC the evening.
I didn't realise what a roller coaster I'd go on this weekend. In that atmosphere you would think I could stay in the moment but no- I drifted off down memory lane to thoughts of you. I remember having cold hands and me slipping them in under your shirt to warm them up. You gasped at the touch yet kept them there. If you had done that to me I would likely have slapped you! The folk festival was the perfect public place to steal kisses and hold hands. We were still in the dating phase and I was still not ready to tell the world we were 'relating'. However the flirt in me loved the opportunity for public displays of affection. The music was intoxicating and I expect it was likely foreplay.
Over the weekend as I was moved by the music tears filled my eyes several times but they didn't run down my face. They simply flooded my eyes and blurred my vision and I sucked it up. Nostalgia. I am a big suck for that as you well know.I stayed with the moment and then it passed. Arlo Guthrie and Emmylou Harris were fabulous and my favourites. I remember them singing back in the 60's and hearing Woody Guthrie- Arlo's father. Their songs seem to be timeless. The damp cool dark evenings sitting in a crowd of more or less strangers made the experience so enjoyable. I think the feelings I had were more nostalgia than sadness for myself.
After all I am the one who tears up when I see kittens in tv toilet paper commercials.
Monday, 13 August 2012
Thursday, 9 August 2012
August 9, 2012 More Down Time on the Way
I am just finishing working 2 weeks straight and now I have some down time coming. I start with the Regina Folk Festival and I am going with my sister Debra. I expect we will have a great time. Lee and I used to go to the festival a long time ago. I am especially looking forward to Emy Lou Harris and Arlo Guthrie. I am a little concerned about a bunch of bands/performers who I haven't heard before. I hope they aren't a bunch of noise makers.
I work Monday- Wednesday then Thursday morning take off for the Reesor Ranch and a week of cattle and calf round up and branding. I am very excited. I will stop and visit with the Freisen family on the way there and on the way back I will swing around to Wood Mountain and take in a small folk festival before coming home August 26.
Sasha and Claire were here over the August long weekend. It was nice to see them riding again. They really enjoyed the new kitchen where Claire invented a rainbow version of death by chocolate. White cake batter turned purple, vanilla pudding turned orange and cool whip turned green. Quite pretty to look at. I taught Claire how to cook when she was 2 years old. She is very creative and not afraid to alter recipes.
When Sasha got back to Winnipeg she called and asked about Thanksgiving weekend. Would grampa and gramma be there (my parents)? I checked in with them and yes they would come.Well now Sasha and the girls plan to come. YEH! I have invited Louise and Lynda and my circle the wagon friends as I think it would be a good time to bury the remainder of Lee's ashes.
I find Thanksgiving weekend to be so much more meaningful to me than Christmas day. I always asked Lee to say grace and she always did a fine job of including everyone. We always remember and make a point of mentioning the names of those not here and those family members who have passed. After all its all about being grateful. I also realized that being with family for this final ashes ceremony is important to me so I extended an invitation to come for 4 pm and stay for supper.
Tears come when I imagine this year without Lee. Mary will say grace and Mary will do a fine job. It just won't be the same without her. How do we get used to these things?
Now a big decison- where should the ashes go? I am leaning towards where Jazz is burried. I can see it from the kitchen window and I can plant a flowering shrub there. Lee so loved that dog....
Perhaps we will discuss this as a group and take a vote...
I work Monday- Wednesday then Thursday morning take off for the Reesor Ranch and a week of cattle and calf round up and branding. I am very excited. I will stop and visit with the Freisen family on the way there and on the way back I will swing around to Wood Mountain and take in a small folk festival before coming home August 26.
Sasha and Claire were here over the August long weekend. It was nice to see them riding again. They really enjoyed the new kitchen where Claire invented a rainbow version of death by chocolate. White cake batter turned purple, vanilla pudding turned orange and cool whip turned green. Quite pretty to look at. I taught Claire how to cook when she was 2 years old. She is very creative and not afraid to alter recipes.
When Sasha got back to Winnipeg she called and asked about Thanksgiving weekend. Would grampa and gramma be there (my parents)? I checked in with them and yes they would come.Well now Sasha and the girls plan to come. YEH! I have invited Louise and Lynda and my circle the wagon friends as I think it would be a good time to bury the remainder of Lee's ashes.
I find Thanksgiving weekend to be so much more meaningful to me than Christmas day. I always asked Lee to say grace and she always did a fine job of including everyone. We always remember and make a point of mentioning the names of those not here and those family members who have passed. After all its all about being grateful. I also realized that being with family for this final ashes ceremony is important to me so I extended an invitation to come for 4 pm and stay for supper.
Tears come when I imagine this year without Lee. Mary will say grace and Mary will do a fine job. It just won't be the same without her. How do we get used to these things?
Now a big decison- where should the ashes go? I am leaning towards where Jazz is burried. I can see it from the kitchen window and I can plant a flowering shrub there. Lee so loved that dog....
Perhaps we will discuss this as a group and take a vote...
Monday, 30 July 2012
Photos from Grasslands July 6 Spreading Lee's Ashes
Mark reading the Cowboy's Prayer
Sunday, 22 July 2012
July 23 Excitement in the Air
Saturday sister Debra and Iris and I drove up to Last Mountain and spent the good part of the day riding. Lots more water up there than normal so we detoured through some areas. At one point we rode along the edge of a newly formed slough and we picked our way through aspens. Finally we dead ended and had to choose an old cattle path now deer path through the thick brush. Buddy led the way. Jet followed with me Horses if they can duck their head and get through brush they will move forward never mind there is a person riding! So it took some coordination to keep branches both dead and alive from whacking me in the face. Horses are herd animals so I knew the other 2 would follow. Here is where trust plays its hand. At some point I saw daylight and an opening. There is a great feeling of exhilaration when completing a horse challenge and an opportunity for laughter. We can hardly believe we just did THAT!!
When we ride we always ride at the rate of the person with the least experience or the most fears. Debra hit the dirt before the ride when we were haltering the horses so she thought it best to pack it in while the going was good. Good choice. Conversations come and go. It was a great day.
Kitchen is almost done. I could live like this forever now but I will spend time with some attention to details. Marisa eldest grand daughter is on her way with her BF for a week so I look forward to that. I sent her an email this morning reminding her don't bring an drugs, smokes or booze and she laughed and agreed of course. As a Gramma I can get away with being very blunt. She respects that.
I have just finished reading Intimate Death How the Dying Teach Us How to Live. I have had a voracious appetite for reading anything about healing and grief and this book is a great one. It really is all about living. I got a better understanding about how it was actually so easy for me to be with Lee during her last days. And I'd do it all over again in a minute with her or anyone else who I loved. Dying is a scary thought to many and many think that if they don't talk about it, then it won't happen. Well, I have come to terms with Lee's death and with my own at some point and in the meantime I plan to live each minute of each day with as much consciousness as I can muster.
When we ride we always ride at the rate of the person with the least experience or the most fears. Debra hit the dirt before the ride when we were haltering the horses so she thought it best to pack it in while the going was good. Good choice. Conversations come and go. It was a great day.
Kitchen is almost done. I could live like this forever now but I will spend time with some attention to details. Marisa eldest grand daughter is on her way with her BF for a week so I look forward to that. I sent her an email this morning reminding her don't bring an drugs, smokes or booze and she laughed and agreed of course. As a Gramma I can get away with being very blunt. She respects that.
I have just finished reading Intimate Death How the Dying Teach Us How to Live. I have had a voracious appetite for reading anything about healing and grief and this book is a great one. It really is all about living. I got a better understanding about how it was actually so easy for me to be with Lee during her last days. And I'd do it all over again in a minute with her or anyone else who I loved. Dying is a scary thought to many and many think that if they don't talk about it, then it won't happen. Well, I have come to terms with Lee's death and with my own at some point and in the meantime I plan to live each minute of each day with as much consciousness as I can muster.
Saturday, 14 July 2012
July 14 Four months
Dear Lee .
Four months since you died I cannot believe it Time is flying by.
I am doing OK on my own as you know I would. I so miss sharing. I have been keeping busy and being very physical which I love. I demolished the kitchen and installed new cupboards this week. The sink will go in Monday. I can just imagine you walking in around the corner after a week of work in Regina and I can see your cheeky smile and twinkle in your eyes. You would love it. You know the kitchen is my favourite room in the house and I will really enjoy it a lot Louise and Lynda have helped so much with re organizing all the contents. When I thanked them they reminded me "We are family". So nice to hear.
I am moving on Lee. We didn't have time to talk about this but I know you would want that. I assured you that I would be OK. You know me to be quite capable of handling life and all of its challenges. I am reaching out and making contact with people and being as social as possible. I am finding support on line and that certainly helps.
Releasing some of your ashes last week was a good thing to do. I know you weren't in the Grasslands area that we were in but I do know you would have loved it.
You will always have a space in my heart as I move on in life. xoxoDenise
Four months since you died I cannot believe it Time is flying by.
I am doing OK on my own as you know I would. I so miss sharing. I have been keeping busy and being very physical which I love. I demolished the kitchen and installed new cupboards this week. The sink will go in Monday. I can just imagine you walking in around the corner after a week of work in Regina and I can see your cheeky smile and twinkle in your eyes. You would love it. You know the kitchen is my favourite room in the house and I will really enjoy it a lot Louise and Lynda have helped so much with re organizing all the contents. When I thanked them they reminded me "We are family". So nice to hear.
I am moving on Lee. We didn't have time to talk about this but I know you would want that. I assured you that I would be OK. You know me to be quite capable of handling life and all of its challenges. I am reaching out and making contact with people and being as social as possible. I am finding support on line and that certainly helps.
Releasing some of your ashes last week was a good thing to do. I know you weren't in the Grasslands area that we were in but I do know you would have loved it.
You will always have a space in my heart as I move on in life. xoxoDenise
Tuesday, 10 July 2012
Moving On July 6-7-8
Back at camp I loaded Jet up. I had taken down the electric fence in the morning. I left the park with a smile on my face. I had done it- holidayed alone but with a great bunch of friends. I headed for Dallas's farm and arrived just in time for supper with him and Wayne. They insisted I stay in the house so I enjoyed indoor plumbing and fabulous food. Lee and I had met the guys at the rodeo last year and we reconnected at Lee's service. What a gift of connection.
The next morning Dallas had the day all planned. In no particular order we saw his special pasture, St Victor's museum and petroglyphs, the museum at Willowbunch and we ended up at the rodeo. We stopped in for a visit at the Mergell ranch. We ran into an old friend of mine Lois Baillie who had recently married Clayton Jack. We got caught up on the latest news and they told us about the big adventure they were now on. When we arrived home in the dark there they were sitting on the deck sipping wine. Stayed up until past midnight and had conversations on every subject! The next morning after breakfast I left with Jet and headed for Nichol Flats on the east end of Buffalo Pound Lake. I stopped at the main office and got specific directions as I normally come in from the north. I was now coming into the area from the opposite direction. I clearly stated I planned to ride my horse. They returned the $7 I had paid for the park fee and I was on my way. I wanted to ride Jet alone with no other horses and people around. Another notch in my belt. Horses are herd animals and now I was his herd. It was lovely. We stopped and both ate Saskatoons along the paths. Lee and I had ridden here often and this was a favourite spot. I would leave some ashes here. I found a lovely spot near the Nichol house and 3 huge cottonwoods. I tied Jet up to graze and got the ashes out. I decided to read aloud the prayers and poems in Lee's bulletin. My grief counsellor had told me that giving voice to writing adds another layer of healing. Tears gently flowed and I choked out the words. My horse was oblivious to what I was experiencing just munching on any grass he could reach. I once again took handfuls of ashes and spread them around the base of the trees.
A short ride later I arrived back at the parking lot to find a warning from a conservation officer. It is illegal to ride horses in the park! I was shocked! I am sure I had permission years ago and we and others had ridden there many times. Monday morning I called the office and told my story and asked many questions. They will be getting back to me with an explanation. Why do some parks allow horses and others not? Does this mean I will never ride there again? I am unlikely to walk over to those huge cottonwoods again. Why walk when I can ride a horse?!
Back at home I caught up with Margaret and Nelson who drove in the yard same time as I did. All was well here. Got caught up with Mary and Iris who returned from their holiday early. They ran nto a heat wave and escaped to back home.
I get a new resident August 1 so this is good. Now to the kitchen renovations. Cupboards arrive Tuesday afternoon.
The next morning Dallas had the day all planned. In no particular order we saw his special pasture, St Victor's museum and petroglyphs, the museum at Willowbunch and we ended up at the rodeo. We stopped in for a visit at the Mergell ranch. We ran into an old friend of mine Lois Baillie who had recently married Clayton Jack. We got caught up on the latest news and they told us about the big adventure they were now on. When we arrived home in the dark there they were sitting on the deck sipping wine. Stayed up until past midnight and had conversations on every subject! The next morning after breakfast I left with Jet and headed for Nichol Flats on the east end of Buffalo Pound Lake. I stopped at the main office and got specific directions as I normally come in from the north. I was now coming into the area from the opposite direction. I clearly stated I planned to ride my horse. They returned the $7 I had paid for the park fee and I was on my way. I wanted to ride Jet alone with no other horses and people around. Another notch in my belt. Horses are herd animals and now I was his herd. It was lovely. We stopped and both ate Saskatoons along the paths. Lee and I had ridden here often and this was a favourite spot. I would leave some ashes here. I found a lovely spot near the Nichol house and 3 huge cottonwoods. I tied Jet up to graze and got the ashes out. I decided to read aloud the prayers and poems in Lee's bulletin. My grief counsellor had told me that giving voice to writing adds another layer of healing. Tears gently flowed and I choked out the words. My horse was oblivious to what I was experiencing just munching on any grass he could reach. I once again took handfuls of ashes and spread them around the base of the trees.
A short ride later I arrived back at the parking lot to find a warning from a conservation officer. It is illegal to ride horses in the park! I was shocked! I am sure I had permission years ago and we and others had ridden there many times. Monday morning I called the office and told my story and asked many questions. They will be getting back to me with an explanation. Why do some parks allow horses and others not? Does this mean I will never ride there again? I am unlikely to walk over to those huge cottonwoods again. Why walk when I can ride a horse?!
Back at home I caught up with Margaret and Nelson who drove in the yard same time as I did. All was well here. Got caught up with Mary and Iris who returned from their holiday early. They ran nto a heat wave and escaped to back home.
I get a new resident August 1 so this is good. Now to the kitchen renovations. Cupboards arrive Tuesday afternoon.
Monday, 9 July 2012
July 6 Lee's Ashes at Grasslands
I woke up with a clear picture of what I wanted to do. I walked over to the Friesen camp and asked Donna if her family would sing for me at noon and she said yes. With tears in my eyes and a choking voice I told her why. Of course they would. As I rode that morning I thought a lot about Lee and I decided that YES I would leave some here in an area where she had not ridden. She would have loved it here. I made it all OK. I also imagined Mark our cowboy poet reading the Cowboy's Prayer from the service bulletin. He said yes he would. To me it didn't matter where we would be Any location would be fine. I did not have a need to pick a certain spot After all I had GPS and could find it again. Lunch is always near water for the horses. We stopped and had lunch and as we were about to get ready to leave I made eye contact with Donna and they started to sing Amazing Grace. I handed Jet's reins to Neil and I took Lee's ashes out of her saddle bags. I plunged my bare hand into the ashes and scattered them while silently sobbing and walking in a circle. Then they sang Lee's favourite hymn. How Great Thou Art. Well..... what a wonderful experience. When they finished Mark with a shaky voice read the poem. I walked to him and we hugged and I took Jet back and then everyone came and hugged me. I thanked them for their presence.Grown men with tears in their eyes. I loved it. Many commented that Lee would have loved the service and I agree.
At some point it was time to dry the tears and water Jet. The wagons returned the same way they came and the rest of us took off to the badlands again Doug led us through some amazing areas. At one point we scrambled up a steep area with rocks and dirt sliding off the hill. Horses know if they can handle this. Jet just looked up and picked his way after Doug got to the top. I trusted him, leaned forward a bit to make it easier for him and up we went. What a thrill! What a challenge! What a rush! What a variety of emotions today! What a view from the plateau!! We could see for miles in every direction. What a big wide world.....
I didn't cry on March 31. I was happy and celebrating Lee's life. Today I cried a lot and it was a good thing to do. I don't think it was sadness for me but rather sadness that Lee was not there riding and enjoying the experience with me.I felt loved and accepted and honoured to have these witnesses at the scattering.
Back at camp I realized when washing up that my hand was still covered in ashes. I had been using that same hand to wipe away tears and snot all afternoon during several bouts of tears. I smiled and washed my face and rinsed Lee's ashes away. Today was a great day and now life moves on.
At some point it was time to dry the tears and water Jet. The wagons returned the same way they came and the rest of us took off to the badlands again Doug led us through some amazing areas. At one point we scrambled up a steep area with rocks and dirt sliding off the hill. Horses know if they can handle this. Jet just looked up and picked his way after Doug got to the top. I trusted him, leaned forward a bit to make it easier for him and up we went. What a thrill! What a challenge! What a rush! What a variety of emotions today! What a view from the plateau!! We could see for miles in every direction. What a big wide world.....
I didn't cry on March 31. I was happy and celebrating Lee's life. Today I cried a lot and it was a good thing to do. I don't think it was sadness for me but rather sadness that Lee was not there riding and enjoying the experience with me.I felt loved and accepted and honoured to have these witnesses at the scattering.
Back at camp I realized when washing up that my hand was still covered in ashes. I had been using that same hand to wipe away tears and snot all afternoon during several bouts of tears. I smiled and washed my face and rinsed Lee's ashes away. Today was a great day and now life moves on.
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| Mark Reads the Cowboy's Prayer |
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| Surrounded by friends and Friesens singing Amazing Grace and How Great THou Art |
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| Scattering Lee's ashes |
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