Reaching the Milestone

Dear Lee,

364 days have passed since your death. Tomorrow will be one full year. How can this be?

I have been feeling lethargic for the past few days and have been thinking about you lot. Today I was up on the roof breaking up an ice dam that caused a leak in the porch. From the roof I had a good view of the amounts of snow in the yard.  I am guessing it will be a month before it will all be gone unless we get a fast heat wave. We have more this year than 96-97. That was the year you were busy daily with calving and lambing and blowing snow. I remember you complaining a lot about it all.

I am taking tomorrow off to 'just be'. I will go with the flow. I have a good memory of my last day with you and my last night with you alive. That would be tonight one year ago. When I went to bed I so longed for sleep but you required medications every couple of hours. Between me having to pee a couple times and you needing meds often it was impossible to get. I laid awake from about 4 am and got up shortly after.

I must admit I do not at this time want to 'do' another night. I am at the hump. I think Lee is too. I have to gain strength now and she needs to let go. What a strange thought for me. Although all of us support people agree this is the best- to hope for the end soon- its is sooooo hard to think I want her death. I don't! I want her to live another 20 years. I know that will never happen. It's just so damned hard.

When we believe something we make a decision to do that. How do I believe you are REALLY gone?
It is simply unbelievable. Maybe I will 'just get used to it'. The pain of my loss has definitely lessened. I doubt it will disappear but rather simply be manageable.