September 9 Things Change

"They"say change is the only thing we can count on. So might as well embrace it I say. The From Fear to Love seminar was cancelled due to insufficient sign ups. Very disappointing at first But then Carol suggested coming anyways. So I will do that. Great chance to make some new friends. I'll survey some building projects they have on the dream board and relax. Then the last couple days of my September holiday will be at Trails End with my bus and horse. Yeh.

Sister Debra and I drove out to visit with Trevor and Karen Harriot south of Indian Head. Several years ago I supervised the build of a cabin for them and now they are considering an addition. They treated us to lunch and we bantered around lots of ideas and I left them with a list of things to do. Wonderful visit.

We then headed up to Wynyard north of Indian Head and we drove on some roads we had never been on before. Lovely country. Spent the trip gabbing about everything under the sun. A lemon pie and a sour cream pie waited for us at home. I simply put an order in to Mom for the latter and presto! There it was.
Today we spent the morning chainsawing trees

One thing led to another after I got the chainsaw started and we ended up with quite a pile of brush.

Stopping for a rest Dad who just turned 92, Mom turned 87 September 7 Debra and me.

This is Dad not waiting for me and the chainsaw. He used a swede saw and loped off a limb from a town tree. This was after he crawled up the ladder to find dirt and leaves in the eaves trough. He did this while I was on the other side of the house talking to Mom and Deb. When I came back to the front there he was holding a pot that lacked a handle. I asked "What's that? A pot to pee in?" Then he told me why he wanted it. To take up the ladder to clean out the trough. I went up and did it and realised how did he know there was dirt in there? He confessed he had been up there behind my back. Heesh. Once again- we count our blessings.

September already

My how time flies. The mornings are cool and crisp and I must say I enjoy this time of year more than any other. It's the time of year we would normally prepare for winter. Some years the prep work was left too late and snow came. We learned our lesson Do it early and take our time.

So now how do I do this? Lee and I had the habit of staying home every long weekend and sharing work. This gave staff well deserved time off.I can manage to do a certain amount of chores and clean up while I look after seniors but I feel split if you know what I mean. I like to not rush. I like to be organised and finish jobs. When I look after seniors and do some of the chores I rarely feel like I can say "Well that's done". Lee would come home on Friday with any city stuff like food, printer ink and paper for the photo copier (like I need right now)

The answer? I will be taking off a day mid week on a regular yet flexible basis. This way I can do some personal things, doctor appointments(I need prescriptions renewed) , get my eyes tested (I need to do this), and pick up new bath mats and what not. When I get home from the city I can spend the rest of the day puttering on outside chores. I'll do that for a bit and see if that works out. I may start talking our loud to myself if I am stuck on a problem. We used to keep each on track. Often times we would clarify in the morning what the plan was for the day I learned to keep the list short like 3 items. When those were done we would re convene and make another list. It worked well.... until Lee would say "How about we do this?.... and add another item to the list That drove me nuts. I would remind her about our agreement.Let's keep it simple. Lee would remind me what I was doing after being distracted by whatever (usually then  I said What f was I doing?)  I would keep her from going to wild blue yonder. She loved to change things just for the simple reason its time for a change in her mind. I would want to leave things well enough alone. I would always ask whats wrong with leaving this the way it is? (I would be thinking Why the f do you want to do that?) Often times she could not give me an answer so that fence for instance stayed put. If it works leave it alone dammit. Do we NEED to make this change NOW or can it go on the 2013 list?

You see the royal WE word was thrown around a lot and WE really meant ME in a lot of cases. I was the one who had specific desired skills and energy. Anytime I heard the words WE SHOULD........ and it involved WORK it really meant more for me. Let me tell you I really objected to that in a nice way.

I do not want to do yard and chore work on my allotted days off. I am selfish and protective of that personal time. I am carving out a new normal.

I will likely not go riding until September 23 when we have the tribute ride for Lee. It will be held at the Big Valley Acres and the start point will be Margaret and Nelson's yard. People will bring their own lunch and perhaps we will have a wiener roast at the end of the ride and story telling time. Non riders certainly can join us for that. More detail later.

August 31 New Beginings

Well today I got a new resident. She came with her therapy dog, a lovely tri colored border collie who has already been tested here. Sadie did not make any moves to chase cats or kill chickens and she comes when called. This gave her the green light to stay.

I just about didn't get the green light from my 2 women who have varying degrees of dementia. People with dementia like things to remain the same and they are usually resistant to change. They were quite curious who this was and what all the kerfuffle was about with all the stuff coming and going. I sat down and explained to them both that I can take care of 5 people. This woman needs help just like they do. I explained she had experienced 6 strokes already and its good for her to live with others. At supper they warmed up to her very well as she can carry on a great conversation. She too has some memory loss so they are all in the same boat. Its amazing to watch natural compassion rise up after feelings of I suspect fear, anxiousness and wonderment. What the hell is going on?  There is little reason to explain this impending change in advance because they are so in the moment. If I had told them at noon that a new woman was coming this afternoon by the time she arrived it would be all new information. Best just to work with what's right in front of us.

All 3 people need attention of one sort or another at 8 pm. Pills, pjs and assistance getting the commode all lined up. I have 12 hour days and I am on a 14 day straight run. Oh I had Wednesday off to drive the bus home! I love my work. Its an opportunity to do simple things that make a  big difference in people's lives.

So needless to say I didn't have much time to feel for sorry for myself today. I do have a great book on grief (one of several I have) on my living room chair so when I sit with the seniors to watch TV I can read a bit. What I am looking for is some kind of indication I am moving on....and what I am feeling is normal. I know that intellectually but.....

August 30 Sadness as an energy sapper

I have not read this in a book and no one has told me this but I have decided for me that sadness saps my energy. For those who know me,  most would likely agree I have a good lot of steady energy perhaps like an endurance athlete. Today I am dragging my ass. It could be the coming down off a holiday high. It could be because I have been thinking about Thanksgiving and Lee's ashes.

Lynda and Louise were out today for a visit prepared to work. I didn't have the energy to even think of anything they might do! We had a look at the area out by the road where Jazz is buried and we determined where that exact spot would be. We used to have a sign there and that has since come down. I found the impressions of the rocks we used to circle a small weed infested flower garden. Now part of that area is a rough lawn that gets mowed and the other part grows wild and is unkept. I think it makes sense to loosen the area up with the rototiller and I can plant a shrub or tree.

We had a bit of a cry at lunch simply talking about not believing Lee is REALLY gone. It is simply unbelievable. This is a common grief experience. Our head and mind knows its true but our hearts pain from the loss. It is coming up to 6 months. How can that be?

I look forward to a seminar at http://www.ravenheartfarms.com/ called From Fear to Love. Its an equine assisted learning opportunity and I am very curious about that. I do not feel any fear about going to the seminar. I feel quite excited about it. September 14 will be the 6 month anniversary of Lee's death and I will be in the safe arms of the women at Ravenheart. I love to learn and be in the here and now. To be with horses is an added bonus. I am thinking this will be an opportunity to close this chapter and start another one.

August 29 Home Again

I left this morning at 8 am to go to Assiniboia to pick up my bus, trailer and horse. Made the trip in 2 1/2 hours with Dallas' car. The bus sure looks great with brand new tires. The bill was even easy to handle. Picked up the trailer, took down the electric fence holding Jet in and loaded him up. The trip home was hot and windy. Very windy. I was quite distracted by the new sounds of the winds from the southwest and the rocking and rolling of the bus. I told myself I survived the tire drama so I can handle anything today!

I just about had some drama as luck would have it. Just before Moose Jaw I saw out of the corner of my right eye the tarp that was screwed to the side of the bus to act as an awning was shredding in the wind. I calculated that if it did rip off I'd likely have some warning. Quite a few years ago I investigated getting an honest to goodness real awning and I quickly changed my mind hearing the over $1000 price tag. Instead I resurrected an 8' piece of flat steel an inch wide by 1/4" thick, sandwiched a Canadian Tire $10 tarp between the steel and the bus and presto. Handy awning. I rolled it all up with 3 of my Dad's old belts that he passed onto me thinking they would end up in Value Village. As it was we rarely used the tarp so I expect I'll just take it down.

In Moose Jaw I opened a can of smoked oysters and lined some crackers up on the dash. Oh  I sure missed Lee today. One of the best things travelling together in the bus was that she loved to drive and I loved to 'make house'. I'd line up cheese and crackers and BC cherries on the dash and keep her hydrated. We would both watch for traffic and especially at intersections. Both of us were driving even though only one was in the captains chair. I miss that a lot. Feeling good about accomplishing all of this on my own today is trumped by the fact that I really miss Lee and feel sad.

As with all feelings and as I remember Lee's Mom often saying, this too shall pass.

August 23 On the Road Again

Thursday was my last day so late morning I headed up to Maple Creek for gas and a vet check for Jet's cough he started Nothing wrong with him so that's a relief. I took #21 to Spring Valley Guest Ranch to visit with Jim Saville. Had a lovely visit supper and breakfast and even watched a local Hutterite person artificially inseminate a cow!  Friday headed towards Wood Mountain  stopping in Eastend for a farmers market. On the road between Shaunavin and Cadillac I heard a fwupfwupfwup sound coming from underneath me. Long story short my tires were loosing their treads. In Cadillac a very nice family at a garage changed the one noisy tire to my spare and cautioned me to drive slow the rest of the way. I felt the loneliest and most vulnerable on this particular Friday and I got through it all by staying in the moment. Normally on the road Lee and I would banter back and forth and discuss things and if we came upon a problem we would solve it together. I ended up watching my breathing and calming myself down as I was literally out in the middle of no where with very few farms or ranches. Traffic was sparse. As an old girl guide I thought of all the things I could do if I were to get in a REAL pickle. Stop. Saddle up my horse and ride for help! Cell phones do not work in that area.

It all worked out I called Dallas and made arrangement to come directly to his farm south of Assiniboia so arrived there about 4 pm. Once again Dallas became a lighthouse in a storm.

Dallas grew up on this farm so knows everyone He quickly called a tire shop and arranged for me to get new tires to be installed Wednesday when I'll go back and pick up the bus. Dallas lent me a car and I left Jet and the trailer in his yard. Big adventure.

August 16 The start of a 10 day holiday

Today I left with Jet, the bus and trailer and headed for the Reesor Ranch  for their cattle round up and branding week. As luck would have it good friends Margaret and Nelson were in the Cypress Hills Equestrian camp with Iris and Dave while I was at Reesors! I had supper with them that first night and left with the intention of re connecting with them for a park ride sometime later on in the week. Friday I was surprised at breakfast with the news we were to have Bob and Debbie Kaufman for the day to give us all any horse lessons we might want! They approached the day with the suggestion that we can all afford to go back to the basics with our horses and understand how to break things down to achieve success quicker. For instance, I wanted to learn to open a gate on hinges from horseback. Jet is terrific on a ride with me when I want to stop and open a field wire pasture gate. He puts his nose on the gate post perpendicular to the fence and I get off, open the gate and he follows me to the other side. I do up the gate then re board the horse and off we go. Now I want to learn to come up parallel to the metal gate, reach over and undo the latch, pull the gate towards my horse (scary for the horse at first) and go through the gate still hanging onto it. I need to manoeuvre my horse back and forth with ease to complete the task. We worked at it for part of the morning and both of us got frustrated. After lunch we were reminded to break it all down to one step at a time. Take one step. Stop. Rest. Relax, Take a second step and so on. Keep the horse in position. After lunch I had a new approach and we were successful. It was not pretty but we got through the gate! This involves whats called side passing. It would be like you taking steps to the side over and over again.

I think the 'break it down' concept is a good lesson for me in general life!

What a bonus! To have a horse seminar thrown into the week. We were given wonderful meals all week and I had no self discipline over scarfing down volumes of good food. My only complaint for the week- ME and no self discipline for food.

Saturday we rode and were shown the boundaries of where the cattle were. We were to round them all up and move them from pasture to pasture to end up closer to the corrals. Right before we got to the last gate I took Jet down a steep embankment away from the other horses and I think he took exception to my actions. He reacted  by shying and jumping to the left and I went to the right through the air and landed on my butt. I didn't get the wind knocked out of me but I did loose a boot. I checked myself out and determined I was just fine. Got back up shook myself off and re mounted. I was a bit sore but had no problem sleeping on my hip. No worries.

Sunday the 19th was branding day. We got up early and were in our saddles at 6 am to round up and move the bunch to the branding area. The cows and calves were separated. I later chose to sit in a lawn chair and take pictures instead of getting in with the thick of things. Anyone who eats meat ought to see this event. Pictures to follow. I had never had prairie oysters before. Have you? When calves are castrated their testicles are saved, the membranes are ripped off, they are flattened with a cleaver, dipped in a homemade version of shake and bake, then deep fried. Tastes like calamari. I had one for the experience. Others got right in there and roped calves, innoculated, castrated and ear tagged. Hot smelly and exciting. Often somewhat dangerous if you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Fortunately all humans were spared injures.

Riding 'On the Bench'

Bringing the cow/calf pairs home for branding

Branding is all about team work

Joan does the castrating

Tuesday  we were up and riding at 6 am again to push the cow calf pairs up to the border of the Cypress Hills park. We waited for the ranger who counted 30 pairs which ran through the gate.

I was told Reesors land is the same altitude as Banff around 4000'. I did not take my gps unit with me to verify but will next time. The hills apparently were skirted when the ice glaciers came down years ago. This has left this area as its own little piece of heaven. Tall pines, its own climate, rugged landscape. Great riding area.

I met some wonderful people and had many great conversations. I often thought of Lee as we had planned to do this trip togther. It was all good.

Only other mishap happened as I came to a ditch where we went down sharply then up sharply. Jet took a leap to canter up the hill (not what I had planned) I flew up in the saddle and came down and landed my pubic area right smack dab onto the horn! YIKES. I survived and I walked away from it.