I spent yesterday doing errands, stopping in to visit people, ordering flooring, getting prices for windows. I even bought a new Samsung cell phone so I can learn to text. Lord help me. I never thought I'd see the day.
I see cell phone use as rampant and I see a disconnect with people. I have watched people in restaurants where it looks like they might be on a date. Both people are blasting away at their phones and appear to have little regard for each other. I do not want that. I want your attention and I want to give you attention when I am with you. May I be struck down if I get addicted to this new technology. May it just be used for quick messages about bringing home some milk. Will keep you posted.
Kathy, Mary, Iris and I went out for a nice supper and we laughed and told stories about Lee. Some I had forgotten and some I had not heard. There is an addition to the Lee- rum story. Iris had taken Lee to her appointments and she told me that on the way home Lee had mentioned to her that she would like some rum. Iris encouraged her to talk to me about it. Well, she did!
We got a hug dump of snow today. Plans to go and pick up Kathy's new car were put on hold. A dear friend called to ask how I was doing and we had a very REAL conversation. It is quite common when we are in our 60's to look at our mortality and make decisions on how we want to live to the end of our lives and how we want to die. Even if we figure out what we don't want for ourselves. Then we need to TELL our loved ones. Let it all be known. Do not let us guess. We all want to respect each persons right to live and die the way they want to.
I felt quite a lot lighter yesterday. Not worn down and terribly sad. I got over the hump of the one year anniversary.
And now back to a normal life. I half assed backed the tractor out of the shed and got stuck on glare ice. Could not go ahead. Could not back up.Hand throttle stuck. Had to use the foot feed. Looked down and saw a stream of lime green liquid flowing. I shut her down. To hell with it.
Phoned the neighbour to see if he was available to clear the yard. In the meantime Kathy is exercising by shovelling the main part of the driveway. It really has turned out to be a bright beautiful day.
Friday, 15 March 2013
Wednesday, 13 March 2013
Reaching the Milestone
Dear Lee,
364 days have passed since your death. Tomorrow will be one full year. How can this be?
I have been feeling lethargic for the past few days and have been thinking about you lot. Today I was up on the roof breaking up an ice dam that caused a leak in the porch. From the roof I had a good view of the amounts of snow in the yard. I am guessing it will be a month before it will all be gone unless we get a fast heat wave. We have more this year than 96-97. That was the year you were busy daily with calving and lambing and blowing snow. I remember you complaining a lot about it all.
I am taking tomorrow off to 'just be'. I will go with the flow. I have a good memory of my last day with you and my last night with you alive. That would be tonight one year ago. When I went to bed I so longed for sleep but you required medications every couple of hours. Between me having to pee a couple times and you needing meds often it was impossible to get. I laid awake from about 4 am and got up shortly after.
I must admit I do not at this time want to 'do' another night. I am at the hump. I think Lee is too. I have to gain strength now and she needs to let go. What a strange thought for me. Although all of us support people agree this is the best- to hope for the end soon- its is sooooo hard to think I want her death. I don't! I want her to live another 20 years. I know that will never happen. It's just so damned hard.
When we believe something we make a decision to do that. How do I believe you are REALLY gone?
It is simply unbelievable. Maybe I will 'just get used to it'. The pain of my loss has definitely lessened. I doubt it will disappear but rather simply be manageable.
364 days have passed since your death. Tomorrow will be one full year. How can this be?
I have been feeling lethargic for the past few days and have been thinking about you lot. Today I was up on the roof breaking up an ice dam that caused a leak in the porch. From the roof I had a good view of the amounts of snow in the yard. I am guessing it will be a month before it will all be gone unless we get a fast heat wave. We have more this year than 96-97. That was the year you were busy daily with calving and lambing and blowing snow. I remember you complaining a lot about it all.
I am taking tomorrow off to 'just be'. I will go with the flow. I have a good memory of my last day with you and my last night with you alive. That would be tonight one year ago. When I went to bed I so longed for sleep but you required medications every couple of hours. Between me having to pee a couple times and you needing meds often it was impossible to get. I laid awake from about 4 am and got up shortly after.
I must admit I do not at this time want to 'do' another night. I am at the hump. I think Lee is too. I have to gain strength now and she needs to let go. What a strange thought for me. Although all of us support people agree this is the best- to hope for the end soon- its is sooooo hard to think I want her death. I don't! I want her to live another 20 years. I know that will never happen. It's just so damned hard.
When we believe something we make a decision to do that. How do I believe you are REALLY gone?
It is simply unbelievable. Maybe I will 'just get used to it'. The pain of my loss has definitely lessened. I doubt it will disappear but rather simply be manageable.
Wednesday, 6 March 2013
March 5 Dear Lee One Year Later
Dear Lee,
This day last year you went into Regina with Iris for some blood tests and an abdominal ultrasound. You felt well enough to have lunch at Quisnos. You were back home and you were going to live out your last 9 days. You spent your days mostly in the lazy boy chair and nights with me in our bed. It really seems like a long time ago.
I ran into Jan your palliative nurse on Friday night along with her partner. Both were so instrumental in your care here at home. We were also making those arrangement's a year ago. When I re read my diary this week I realized I have come a very long way in my grief process. It has gotten easier - a lot easier.
The weather last year was nothing like it is this year. You blew snow once- that's it. This year I have blown many times plus our good neighbor has used his bob cat to clear the yard out several times. He is boxing himself in as he is running out of room where to put the snow. I have parked the tractor until another neighbor comes to find out where there is an antifreeze leak. If its not breaking shear pins then it's leaks. You used to get so frustrated when things like this happened. You did so much yard work. I don't think I really appreciated your work enough.I know I didn't. I wish I had told you more how much I appreciated you period.
There is 6 to 7 feet of snow piled up on the cranberry bush that was planted in Jazz's grave with your ashes. I expect it to flourish this year and every time I look at it I will think of you and be grateful for the 20 years you shared with me.
This day last year you went into Regina with Iris for some blood tests and an abdominal ultrasound. You felt well enough to have lunch at Quisnos. You were back home and you were going to live out your last 9 days. You spent your days mostly in the lazy boy chair and nights with me in our bed. It really seems like a long time ago.
I ran into Jan your palliative nurse on Friday night along with her partner. Both were so instrumental in your care here at home. We were also making those arrangement's a year ago. When I re read my diary this week I realized I have come a very long way in my grief process. It has gotten easier - a lot easier.
The weather last year was nothing like it is this year. You blew snow once- that's it. This year I have blown many times plus our good neighbor has used his bob cat to clear the yard out several times. He is boxing himself in as he is running out of room where to put the snow. I have parked the tractor until another neighbor comes to find out where there is an antifreeze leak. If its not breaking shear pins then it's leaks. You used to get so frustrated when things like this happened. You did so much yard work. I don't think I really appreciated your work enough.I know I didn't. I wish I had told you more how much I appreciated you period.
There is 6 to 7 feet of snow piled up on the cranberry bush that was planted in Jazz's grave with your ashes. I expect it to flourish this year and every time I look at it I will think of you and be grateful for the 20 years you shared with me.
Sunday, 24 February 2013
February 24, 2013
Dear Lee,
One year ago today you finally had your lung biopsy late in the evening. It would be another 10 days for the results. During this time we re organised a lot of things- cancelled your University of Saskatchewan on line theology class, cancelled some commitments you had in you day timer, passed messages along to people who 'needed to know'. It was the most scary time- not knowing what we were in for. We were still thinking they simply needed to find out what magical pills you could take to get you back in shape. Little did we know...
You appeared relatively calm to me and accepting yet I am sure you must have been scared spit-less. We were a good team thinking together of all the little details we needed to consider. Your sisters were in the Dominican and it was not easy to get a hold of them. We wanted them to be kept in the loop yet we really didn't know too much at this point. It must have been soooo hard for them being so far away and feeling concern and worry. Last year they did make it back in time to see you 4 days before you died. This year back down in the Dominican I am sure they are re living those challenging days.
It is hard for me to believe its been almost a year. Some days it seems like yesterday you were here and on others it feels like forever.I often remind myself we just have this particular moment in our lives. The rawness of loosing you has gone. However re reading old blog posts brings back painful memories. I am very happy that I have moved on. Thank you Lee for everything................
One year ago today you finally had your lung biopsy late in the evening. It would be another 10 days for the results. During this time we re organised a lot of things- cancelled your University of Saskatchewan on line theology class, cancelled some commitments you had in you day timer, passed messages along to people who 'needed to know'. It was the most scary time- not knowing what we were in for. We were still thinking they simply needed to find out what magical pills you could take to get you back in shape. Little did we know...
You appeared relatively calm to me and accepting yet I am sure you must have been scared spit-less. We were a good team thinking together of all the little details we needed to consider. Your sisters were in the Dominican and it was not easy to get a hold of them. We wanted them to be kept in the loop yet we really didn't know too much at this point. It must have been soooo hard for them being so far away and feeling concern and worry. Last year they did make it back in time to see you 4 days before you died. This year back down in the Dominican I am sure they are re living those challenging days.
It is hard for me to believe its been almost a year. Some days it seems like yesterday you were here and on others it feels like forever.I often remind myself we just have this particular moment in our lives. The rawness of loosing you has gone. However re reading old blog posts brings back painful memories. I am very happy that I have moved on. Thank you Lee for everything................
Thursday, 14 February 2013
Happy Valentines Day
Happy Valentines Day!! As far as I am concerned every day is a day for chocolate. Today I handed out some 'flowers' of chocolate to the seniors at lunch time given to us by a family member. They were thrilled. I may even get some as one senior is not fond of chocolate.
On February 3 I flew out to BC and surprised Kathy after she had finished a Pursuit of Excellence course in Nanaimo. She was indeed shocked to see me and even more shocked when I said I was there for a week. I made these plans way back in October not knowing for sure Kathy would be moving here. Between October and now I visited her in December, she came here in January and while here her house sold in 1 week. It really is amazing how all of this has worked out. It was hard at times to not give up the surprise as many people were in on it.
So now what?! I simply packed Kathy's PUP a 7'shipping cube that had been sitting in her driveway since early December. Kathy sorted through stuff and told me about several things she would like to take. One- her west coast cat tree.She loved it and wanted to take it but convinced herself there was no room for it. I took this as a challenge. Sure enough I got it in . I also squirreled away 4 antique press back chairs, HUGE shop vac, chop saw, shelving units, an 8' ladder and a beautiful wheel barrow I found in the back yard. Kathy is learning that I rise to a challenge on short notice and is delighted when she sees my problem solving gears turn.
The house became more and more bare so we took off with Tristan Kathy's 17 year old border collie x to Victoria for 2 days. We visited with friends, ate Thai food several times and dim sum in China town. Our friends Bunny and Connie visited Friday and the " 4 widows" had a GREAT talk. We heard personal stories, cried, remembered our partners, and talked about gratitude and just how lucky we all are.
We left enough furniture behind to offer Kathy's brother and sister in law a place to stay for a couple of nights. It was so good to see them, have them join us in a farewell party for Kathy put on by the spca volunteers and watch Kathy's eldest son DJ at a bar Saturday night. After I left on the 10th the remaining furniture was picked up and items distributed. Kathy has an appointment with her lawyer for paper signing today at 3 pm then she plans to leave .
I think this is significant she leaves today- Valentines day. Both of us are open to the experiences of giving and receiving. As I approach the anniversary of Lee's death this will bring up 'stuff' for Kathy too. Kathy understands plain and simple.
On February 3 I flew out to BC and surprised Kathy after she had finished a Pursuit of Excellence course in Nanaimo. She was indeed shocked to see me and even more shocked when I said I was there for a week. I made these plans way back in October not knowing for sure Kathy would be moving here. Between October and now I visited her in December, she came here in January and while here her house sold in 1 week. It really is amazing how all of this has worked out. It was hard at times to not give up the surprise as many people were in on it.
So now what?! I simply packed Kathy's PUP a 7'shipping cube that had been sitting in her driveway since early December. Kathy sorted through stuff and told me about several things she would like to take. One- her west coast cat tree.She loved it and wanted to take it but convinced herself there was no room for it. I took this as a challenge. Sure enough I got it in . I also squirreled away 4 antique press back chairs, HUGE shop vac, chop saw, shelving units, an 8' ladder and a beautiful wheel barrow I found in the back yard. Kathy is learning that I rise to a challenge on short notice and is delighted when she sees my problem solving gears turn.
The house became more and more bare so we took off with Tristan Kathy's 17 year old border collie x to Victoria for 2 days. We visited with friends, ate Thai food several times and dim sum in China town. Our friends Bunny and Connie visited Friday and the " 4 widows" had a GREAT talk. We heard personal stories, cried, remembered our partners, and talked about gratitude and just how lucky we all are.
We left enough furniture behind to offer Kathy's brother and sister in law a place to stay for a couple of nights. It was so good to see them, have them join us in a farewell party for Kathy put on by the spca volunteers and watch Kathy's eldest son DJ at a bar Saturday night. After I left on the 10th the remaining furniture was picked up and items distributed. Kathy has an appointment with her lawyer for paper signing today at 3 pm then she plans to leave .
I think this is significant she leaves today- Valentines day. Both of us are open to the experiences of giving and receiving. As I approach the anniversary of Lee's death this will bring up 'stuff' for Kathy too. Kathy understands plain and simple.
Tuesday, 29 January 2013
January Visit with Kathy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w441tko3bWY&feature=em-share_video_user
The above link is a video clip that Kathy did for me after her January visit here. She certainly experienced every kind of winter weather while here.
The above link is a video clip that Kathy did for me after her January visit here. She certainly experienced every kind of winter weather while here.
Monday, 21 January 2013
Milestones passed
Christmas has come and gone and so has the new year. These are known as milestones in the first year of grief. "They" say these times of the year can be hard for many reasons. I am reminded of the many Christmas's Lee worked at the hospital and she would come home to a turkey dinner that I had prepared. We just got used to that day as a work day. I certainly missed her saying grace this year. She always did such a good job and made it sounds very inclusive. Her presence was missed that's for sure.
New Years came and went and was uneventful. We all went to bed at the usual time and did not ring in the new year. I always enjoyed January 1 and this year was as usual. Me enjoying the day.
I got an email in January from a supervisor at Lee's work. The chaplain phone received a message from a former patient of Lee's. The gentleman wished Lee a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. He had improved in the hospital since Lee provided spiritual care for him and now he wanted to thank her. He was shocked to hear of Lee's death when he was called with this new information.
I so often hear stories about Lee's contributions to this world and they were many. I also hear from people who attended the celebration of her life. I may not have had a chance to talk to them that day but they still tell me what a wonderful service we had for her.
This January I received a phone call from my young brother. His partners son just lost his father in an accident on the road. Oh what pain I felt for him. I was lucky. I was older and had a great life. This young boy will have to learn how to live with this loss. The early days of a loss are so darned raw so painful. I really feel for him.
I still think about Lee often. Thoughts of her used to predominate my life. Not any more and this is a sign of moving long this path of grief.
My new relationship with Kathy has certainly been a distraction and a blessing all at the same time. It is so easy to talk about our former partners and so natural. There is room in our relationship for them. There is acceptance and patience to deal with bursts of grief whenever they crop up. We are simply convinced both Judy and Lee would bless this relationship whole heartily. It is good thing.
Kathy visited for 10 days and just went back to Parksville having experienced the worst kind of January. Rain, melting, -35 you name it we had it. Blowing snow, howling winds, snowbanks in the yard, people stuck on the road out front of here. She really got a taste of winter and she passed the test. She grew up in Cranbrook and this reminded her a lot of her childhood.
Our connection has progressed rapidly and deeply so much so that Kathy is moving here early March. I look around and see how life simply goes on. We can resist change, attempt to ignore it but in the end I am embracing what is coming to me. I remain open open open. It feels so darned right. I remain fearless and in the moment the majority of the time and forever grateful for my time with Lee and for this new opportunity. I will not ignore it and I will not waste a moment.
New Years came and went and was uneventful. We all went to bed at the usual time and did not ring in the new year. I always enjoyed January 1 and this year was as usual. Me enjoying the day.
I got an email in January from a supervisor at Lee's work. The chaplain phone received a message from a former patient of Lee's. The gentleman wished Lee a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. He had improved in the hospital since Lee provided spiritual care for him and now he wanted to thank her. He was shocked to hear of Lee's death when he was called with this new information.
I so often hear stories about Lee's contributions to this world and they were many. I also hear from people who attended the celebration of her life. I may not have had a chance to talk to them that day but they still tell me what a wonderful service we had for her.
This January I received a phone call from my young brother. His partners son just lost his father in an accident on the road. Oh what pain I felt for him. I was lucky. I was older and had a great life. This young boy will have to learn how to live with this loss. The early days of a loss are so darned raw so painful. I really feel for him.
I still think about Lee often. Thoughts of her used to predominate my life. Not any more and this is a sign of moving long this path of grief.
My new relationship with Kathy has certainly been a distraction and a blessing all at the same time. It is so easy to talk about our former partners and so natural. There is room in our relationship for them. There is acceptance and patience to deal with bursts of grief whenever they crop up. We are simply convinced both Judy and Lee would bless this relationship whole heartily. It is good thing.
Kathy visited for 10 days and just went back to Parksville having experienced the worst kind of January. Rain, melting, -35 you name it we had it. Blowing snow, howling winds, snowbanks in the yard, people stuck on the road out front of here. She really got a taste of winter and she passed the test. She grew up in Cranbrook and this reminded her a lot of her childhood.
Our connection has progressed rapidly and deeply so much so that Kathy is moving here early March. I look around and see how life simply goes on. We can resist change, attempt to ignore it but in the end I am embracing what is coming to me. I remain open open open. It feels so darned right. I remain fearless and in the moment the majority of the time and forever grateful for my time with Lee and for this new opportunity. I will not ignore it and I will not waste a moment.
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