More Gifts from Lee

I continue to receive gifts from Lee the most recent being the realisation that  her death and my mourning taught me to be open to expressing grief with every emotion under the sun. I no longer limit myself. I let er rip. In the past I remained guarded and I censored myself with expressing feelings. There had to be the right time and place and I anticipated others reactions before letting my self be seen. No more.

The practise of active mourning has been liberating for me and except for the death and loss part, I highly recommend it. It has been a here and now practise, risking the voicing of immediate feelings. Fears have dropped away to allow me to feel freedom like I have never felt it before in my life.

Alan D. Wolfelt an 'expert' on the subject, describes mourning as  "openly and honestly exressing your thoughts and feelings from the inside  to the outside- no pretense, no repression, no inhibtions."  There was the opportunity while Lee was alive for me to be more in touch with expressing my feelings. Alas I did not learn to do that when it could have offered more to our relationship. And so with her death I have had great learning.

I have given up so many fears and concerns and this along with my 'no worries' attiutude about life places me in a good position for attracting to me that which I deserve - another chance to love and be loved. I have put out there what it is that I want and need and I am now in receiving mode.

I know that there is life after grief. I beleive it just doesn't come to me. I have to go and get it- like I have done with everything  else in my life. I create a clear vision and I don't short change myself or settle for less. I have used that method with everything I have done in my life. It's hard work and its worth it. I am shooting for the moon.

The difference now is that I have learned to better express my feelings in the moment and I risk being racked with tears and emotions. It passes and I move on.

On Sunday over 30 close friends and family gather to bury the last of Lee's ashes. I found the dip in the ground where Jazz Lee's favorite dog was buried several years ago. I will roto tiller the dry ground up and dig a hole. Marjorie Kent the United Church minister who did Lee's service provided me with some prayers and readings. It will be lovely and Lee would approve.

Then we will come into the house and enjoy a full blown turkey dinner with Lee in our hearts. I will fight my Dad for the gizzard and we will give thanks.