Dear Lee April 5

Dear Lee,

Today I took my senior to Regina and we delivered all of your books to the General. You wanted your colleagues to use them and the CPE students to have access to them. You sure loved your books! I even found one unopened in a package from Amazon you must have ordered it right before you went into the hospital. I saw a charge on my MasterCard! They will all get good use. We also dropped off about 10 bags of your clothes at Value Village. I found it very hard to go though your clothes in the porch because those are the ones I saw you wear at home. I can't wear them because they are all too big for me. I will remember you in pictures.....I did save some of your going to town jackets Perhaps I'll find a suitable cowboy or cowgirl to take them.

I found myself very distracted today.I had mood swings and many distractions.  I realised I was not in the moment but all over the map. The waves took me here and there and all over the place and that's not OK when I am driving! Once I realised it of course I paid more attention to the road. I want to remind myself too about the approach you and I took when we 'got the news' - to express and feel gratitude and celebrate. Its a matter perhaps to find a balance. How long do I stay sad or down and how soon do I remind myself to 'snap out of it'? Lee you were so good at dealing with people's grief and people loved your ways. You said the right thing at the right time and you were an astute listener. I find it hard to talk to myself. I want to seek clarity when  "I feel muddy". That's a weird way to describe things....

I still cannot believe you will never be back here in person. I expect you to walk in the door any minute. I sit in the chair you sat in and I sit on the toilet you used. You are everywhere yet not here. When will I believe you are gone? How do I become OK with all of this? Right now I feel lethargic, sluggish, lazy and in the past I would never feel all of that intensity. I would label them 'not good feelings'.

Well certain things need doing around here like chores and supper for our senior. I am grateful for distractions as this will get me out of my slump.

_____________________________________________________________

Denise you are doing such a beautiful job of expressing yourself. And I also want to encourage you again to be gentle with yourself when stuff comes up. Yes be safe - especially with your senior. But otherwise - get used to it - you coming out of the numbess a little and these feelings will take as long as they take and often will hit you blindsided - like the handwriting for the grocery list.

Love you

Bunny

PS I think I should have put the above in the grief thread but also wanted to comment on your blog
________________________________________________________________________
From widownet.org

You know you're getting better when....

• Your memories make you smile instead of break into tears.
• When someone else's pain hurts you more than your own.
• When you can tell someone else life really DOES go on.
• one day you wake up and you don't have to remind yourself to breathe.
• you want to find a way to leave your grief in the past.
• you find you are actually enjoying living.
• you can come home and be content in an empty house.