Reaching Out April 6, 2012

The weather today was more like winter than spring. I spent much of the day with Lee's laptop in my lap and I searched on line support for grief. I came across a quote

There are two great questions: Where do you hurt? How can I help you?

So if I were to ask myself this question today I would answer I feel lethargic, fuzzy, lacking of any energy and disappointed I won't be going home for Easter with my folks.

And the second question- I would say the reader of this might consider engaging me in a conversation by phone, in person, or on line or come for supper and talk. There is a time for privacy and quiet and now is not that time. I want to remain engaged. I am eating properly, sleeping well and yet I lack energy to get off my ass. I am strongest in the morning so that's the time I could push myself out the door. I realise I am being hard on myself- thinking I am lazy. I have this sense that I want to get away from myself. Get away from these undesirable thoughts and feelings. I am having a challenge in staying with the feelings and believing they will pass. I want to force the issue. Yet I lack any energy to do that. I wonder if this is depression. Normally by body is full of energy, spry, willing to move, wanting to move and be active and now its saying NO. I don't have the energy to argue .... tears are welling up in my eyes at this minute.....I think I am just feeling sorry for myself. Even though I have told people Lee has died I don't believe it myself. Is it that I don't believe it or don't want to believe it? I am confusing myself and exhausting myself more..........I am going to go and loose myself in some nonsense television program.
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Dear friend Beth called tonight and we had a great talk. That helped a lot. Also got an email from a friend.............very helpful. Going to bed with a book about Buddhism and death. Lessons in the here and now.