Grief Bursts and Side Tracks

Grief Bursts and side tracks March 28, 2012

I read in a booklet “Grief does not act like a sore throat: at first painful, then less painful, and finally no more pain. Grief comes and goes”

Well I do not have a sore throat but I am having grief attacks. I received the DVD today that my cousin Andrea and her husband created for Lee’s tribute. I popped it in the player and sat on Lee’s side of the bed and watched it. I cried and smiled and laughed all at the same time. It is fantastic. I imagine watching it time and time again. I did not find the experience painful. I would not use that word. I simply remembered the pictures I took, the places we had ridden and the feelings I had in those moments. I have always had a strong sentimental side to me.

My strongest memories are all anchored to me by feelings then and now as I recall them. Like Bev and Judy will come to the service on Saturday! This blows me away. They are coming. Wow. I remember with fondness drinking Singapore slings in a Brandon cocktail lounge – now was that after some meetings? Our Manitoba Action Committee meetings? I have this idea we did everything but burn our bras. This is where feminism was born to me. And even though we have lacked consistent contact we have remained connected over the years.

Yesterday I rummaged in the bags Lee had collected in her van. She had a bag of bags some plastic some fabric which I had sewn for her. I sorted them out and ran across several grocery lists of course in her handwriting. We always seemed to need bananas, milk and bread. I got teary eyed reading those lists and I ran my thumb over the pen marks. Lee had touched that paper. Heart pangs. Today I got our MasterCard bill and there is an entry from Amazon clearly a book for Lee. I got the bill and I suspect the book got delivered to her office. I have no real way of knowing for sure. If Lee were here I’d have this straightened out right away. Not going to happen.

Grief attack tonight knowing Marisa is not coming home this weekend. It sounds like she is in her own pain and cannot see any benefit in her coming to be with us. I was so looking forward to seeing her and talking about this. I so want the girls to get through this experience with a healthy attitude about this death. I don’t want them to stay stuck. I will have to be patient and hope Marisa comes around. I wish I knew what Marisa’s pain is all about….maybe we could help each other out.