Rules

March 23, 2012    Rules- why did I make them?

I am wondering why I made up rules in our relationship. I wanted a rule No dogs in our home. I didn’t want smell, dirt and hair. They were dogs we were people who worked hard to buy food for them. They stayed out and we stayed in. Then we got Brandy.  That was an easy one. No shedding, small lap size. For the seniors. I would even “let” her sleep with us when she was scared in a thunderstorm. Buddy- well he came in when it was cold. There was always a discussion about what cold meant- like -10 or -20 or what. Certainly +5 or 10 is not cold for a hairy dog in my books.

Then Lee came home for March 3 for a day of respite after having been told she had cancer the day before. I saw the dogs greet their long lost friend and I saw the simple joy in her eyes and whole being. Lee parked herself on the couch and Buddy draped his head in her lap and Lee was so very content and wallowing in the love. Brandy climbed on her lap and did her happy dance. Lee was home. Cancer didn’t matter. Why did I set up the rule? Why did I have to hear Lee ask me if it’s OK that Buddy comes into our bedroom so he could be closer to her when she was in bed? He had never been our bedroom before. Why did the hair matter? Why did the dirt matter? So what about the smell!

Of course I said yes to Lee about the dogs coming into our bedroom. Of course I did!  If she would have asked for the moon I would have given it to her!!

And now I live here without Lee but with the dogs that have free rein of the entire house even where the seniors live. It’s got to be a control issue. Me making up rules.

I would give anything to get Lee back. I regret not seeing what Lee felt especially about Buddy. When I think back I see her with the dogs. It is only now that I recognize the strong connection she had with them.

So the learning for me now is that I will think more than once when I make up a rule in my life. I will open myself to positioning myself to see more than 1 side. I will remember the joy I saw when Lee was with any non human and I will take that in.