It's Been Almost 2 Weeks

March 28, 2012  10:30 pm

It’s been almost 2 weeks….

In 1 hour it will be exactly 2 weeks since you died. 11:30 pm March 14, 2012. Do I believe it? I don’t know. It’s hard to imagine you never coming around anymore……..on Friday around supper you driving into the yard and the dogs running to greet you because they hear the sound of your van. You lavished affection on them long before you came to me to give me a peck on the cheek. Damned good thing I was never jealous. Sometimes I pretended to myself I should be jealous and then I laughed. Those dogs are so devoted to you. Now here’s a problem.  Do I use present or past tense when I write to you? If you are dead I should use past tense right? Are you really dead? I just don’t believe it.

2 weeks ago I wedged myself in between you and our bed to cuddle you as you lay dying on a single mattress on the floor. 2 nights before you fell out of bed. Did you not want to die in our bed after all? You asked me Is it OK I die in our bed? And I say Sure you can No problem. Did you change your mind? You often did! Were you saving me from the memory of you dying in our bed? Big bed small bed what’s the difference? I walk over the spot at least twice a day- the spot where the mattress lay and where you died. When I wake up in the morning or get up to pee at night my foot lands where you laid. Actually right about where your chest would have been. When I go to bed at night I walk over that spot again.

I cuddled you and whispered in your ear- ride through that pasture gate Go on ahead and I’ll come later. You go ahead. Go and look for Quincey and Jester. Go on. I coached you. I coached you to die. I willed you to die. To let go and die. How did I know I could do that? Looking back I cannot imagine how in the world could I do that? How could I possibly want you to die? I didn’t want you to die dammit!! I didn’t!! You really had an amazing trust in me didn’t you? You were an awesome listener. You listened to me. Your rode through that pasture gate and you didn’t turn back.

Now when I go riding I will never look at a pasture gate the same again.