Thoughts and Feelings

March 17, 2012  Thoughts and Feelings

In the 1990’s I took a life changing course from a company called Context Associated. I learned the difference between thoughts and feelings and I learned the language to use and to know the difference.

And so this week leading up to Lee’s memorial service I find myself THINKING about and visualizing March 31 and I imagine how I might FEEL. In addition to that I FEEL what I am FEELING when I am THINKING these thoughts now!!

I have played this over and over again in my mind and I wonder why. I wonder if I am seeking safety. I KNOW I will be surrounded by love and acceptance. I FEEL the grief and sadness coming when I see myself walking down that church aisle and the tears run now. When I THINK about the girls I want be able to provide comfort to them. How can I help them through this experience? I would like my circle the wagon friends to speak to the girls when you can and I don’t know what to say. Just talk to them and acknowledge their loss. This is the first adult parent/grandparent in their life they are losing.

 I THINK I am attempting to predict my FEELINGS that day so I am better prepared. Is that what I am doing? I have done many difficult tasks in my life yet I cannot THINK of one that is a so total body experience. I imagine and expect to be relieved when it is over and that thought gives me courage to go through it all. I do not expect to feel heart pounding fear.

I want to feel everything that day and go with the flow. I remember people used to get drugs from doctors in the old days in order to cope. I won’t be doing that!

I am hoping it will be a nice day so we can be outside afterwards. I am thinking I will likely want to bolt at some point. Perhaps I just want to know that I can exit anytime I want to. I am sure the fears I have are bigger in my mind that they will likely be in reality. I have realized that by putting the obit in the papers that I am coming out big time. Internalized homophobia?

There will be a space for me to speak at the service towards the end. I’ll see how I feel about it in the moment and I’ll likely wing it based on what I am feeling. If it’s at the hour mark I will be ready to pee myself. Cross your fingers….