How to Go on Living When Someone you Love Dies

I got a new book in the mail today with this title. I have been reading sections of it throughout the day in my 'spare' time and I am finding it very detailed and useful. The off putting part is some of the language He he he he he references. I tire of that and feel agitated when I read it. I will take some deep breathes next time I pick up the book. I did read one part where it said the emotional connections I had with Lee will need to be replaced. In other words I liked to share. I need to share. Sharing is important to me so I will continue to do that. I so miss sharing with Lee.

I suppose this blog is an example. I started this blog as personal therapy in the middle of the nights when I could not go back to sleep as I listened to the oxygen concentrator hum and Lee breathe. Then I shared with the 8 Circle the Wagon friends. And then people asked for more info so I cut and pasted emails and finally shared with everyone and anyone. I naively realised I came out for us in the obituary where I shared that information of the significance of our relationship. Then at the service if folks didn't know by then they were blind or more naive than me. I feel a tremendous sense of liberation and freedom having shared that info. It's all out there.

I really appreciated Lee's realness. I loved that she shared that with me and it gave me permission to be me through and through unapologetically 'warts and all' as I used to say.

I got the dvd today that includes the commitment blessing ceremony and the service March 31. I watched part of it. I'd rather watch it with friends and share that experience. If anyone wants to borrow or have a copy of it let me know.

I found parts of the blessing ceremony difficult to watch as Lee struggled to speak. She hardly had enough breathe for herself let alone speak. I so miss her voice. Does anyone out there have her voice recorded anywhere?! I struggle with my memory trying to HEAR her voice.

I am going to the Greystone Bereavement centre in Regina tomorrow to talk to a counsellor. Its all part of the process. I don't want any assumptions made about me like I'm straight and Christian... we will see how he handles me!