My dear Lee,
It has been 2 months tonight since you died. I'll stay up until 11:30 (the exact time of your death) and then go to sleep. I just re read the diary I kept during your last days. Parts of it felt like torture to read yet other parts felt like salve. Soothing.
I don't know how I did it all during your last days. I suspect naivety was key. I had never done anything like this before. Just put my head down and plodded onwards. I remember people making comments claiming they couldn't do what I was doing. I think we can all do what I did- when the time is right we do find the strength. I think we short change ourselves with limited thinking.
I plan to go to the bereavement center in Regina Thursday afternoon between 2 meetings. I"d like to talk to others who may share what I have felt. I wonder how others cope. I ordered and received today several books on grieving. I listened to CBC on Sunday when they interviewed people 1 year later after the Slave Lake community fire. They were mourning yet there was no loss of life. They still felt a pain some had a hard time to bear. I really felt for them.
I want to ask the bereavement center folks about the process of accepting a death as real. Even though I had the evidence of your death I cannot beleive it. How will I change my thinking? If we could talk you would tell me what to do.
I am anxious to get the new dvd with the committment ceremony on it. Hopefully I will hear your voice. I so miss it and I cannot hear it in my memory. That saddens me deeply.
Love you. G night babe
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