I took a book out of the bereavement centre's library called Lesbian Widows. This book is basically the result of a research project after the author Vicky Whipple lost her long time partner.She realised no books had been written to help her out so she guessed there was a need for others. Its about young American women. I am finding it helpful . At least the language skips the "he" and "him" references" and the stories sound familiar. I am 62 so mid aged I would say rather than young and not American. As a Canadian I have many more privileges I think like we filed out income tax jointly for years and I received OAS benefits from Lee. There are many very sad stories in this book of relationships that have not been accepted by families. We once again were accepted by both of our families and for that I will always be grateful. I am so lucky.
Halfway through the book I read: "No matter how much support she receives initially, in the end a widow must still deal with her grief alone.She is the one left with lonely nights, the one who does not have someone to come home to, the one who must build a future without a partner." This is a sobering and true statement for me at this time. I think this is why I am going to the counselling sessions. I want to seek equilibrium again- balance. The scales have been tipping up and down and I want some level ground. It's personal work and something I can work on and do with an hour of dedicated listening from trained ears. Don't get me wrong. All the support I have received from friends with visits and phone calls have been very much appreciated. The session will be a mini marathon of emotion and I will not have to 'worry' about the listeners feelings. Sometimes when talking to friends I stop myself because the other person is 'having their moment' and it interferes with my selfish self. I expect I will get past that to more comfortable reciprocal conversations. Its all personal and we all do it in our own way and this will be my way. When you go through this you will do it your way and I will support you as I know how.
I had a flash today- a memory of Lee saying to me at one point during her last 10 days "Thank you". Just 2 words. Thank you. I think I brushed her off probably saying "Oh its nothing or Oh that's OK". I regret not taking her hand, looking deep into her eyes with a big smile and saying " You are most welcome. I would not have it any other way and I love you now more than ever."
At another point on another day I distinctly remember her saying to me "I am soooo sorry...." I think she was referring to the whole situation. I think she was sorry I had to go through this with her when it was not 'the plan'. The plan was that she would work another 3 years then retire. So much for plans. I do remember saying to her "I am so sorry too" and I held her and we cried.
I have made balance a priority in my life and I prefer to stay close to centre. Think of a teeter totter. I am close to the middle not way off at either end. I spent a few days doing fairly hard physical work in the garden and today it rained so I hunkered down and coasted in a big easy chair. In some ways it is getting easier. I look forward to some harder stuff tomorrow.
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