December 2 - my 63rd Birthday

On November 27 I flew to Vancouver for a couple of days with Kathy in the big city where I had a chance to re connect with Patricia Sereno. I wanted Kathy to meet her so we met at the Sylvia Hotel for breakfast. Patricia was instrumental in directing me to remain myself, breathe, listen more than talk and simply be in the moment as I went to meet Kathy for the first time. We had a delightful time.


I also got to meet with Kathy's youngest son Jeff and her brother Alan and his wife. Later on the island I met elder son Matthew and his girl friend for dinner.  I think I passed the tests! Of course the family is sad that Kathy is pulling up stakes but assurances were given that communication and connections would remain constant and strong. After all, in my words "B.C. is a nice place to visit". On several occasions I met many of Kathy's friends over lunch and coffee and heard their combination of excitement for Kathy and sadness for themselves. And of course I got to meet Kathy's dogs and cats who did their best in all the commotion of a new person in the house plus moving boxes, clean up and upheaval.

My birthday started off with an announcement from Kathy "We are going riding!"

crossing a deep creek with boots and stirrups raised up high

The sun came out and it was a delightful experience led by guide Cec from Saskatchewan. I thought the name of his farm "Tiger Lily" to be rather an odd B.C. name! This would have been enough but no- there was more. A short ride to Tigh Na mara where we had a massage followed by another announcement 'We are spending the night here." Well, a lovely log apartment with jacuzzi tub, fireplace looking out into the forest through patio doors.



lovely place to stay

 I kept thinking all of this could have stopped after the horse back ride but more kept on happening. What a day!

Lee and Judy were certainly a part of this visit. They came up on a daily basis and at the oddest times. For instance in going into a store to buy supplies for the renos Kathy would say "If I were with Judy....."  and vice versa. In the end both Kathy and I are 'get in there and get out asap" sort of people. At her home we discovered how to work in the kitchen together, how to take care of own selves and how to share. Lots of stories came up about relating to our former partners and we both said often how blessed we are to have had the opportunities we did with our former loves. Some moments were very emotional. Others were filled with laughter. I have simply become more open more in the moment more appreciative of EVERYTHING as a result of Lee dying. Still so hard to believe..............

The whole trip was an in the moment experience for me. Instead of anticipating sadness at leaving I did my best to to just enjoy the time together. Next trip? Kathy comes to Saskatchewan for 2 weeks in January.

Confession Time

Dear Lee,

It's time to confess.

Within 2 months of your death I knew for sure I would partner with someone again. It simply did not feel right to imagine living on my own without a partner  for my remaining days. And I came to this conclusion because of you. Because of what we had- a relationship that honoured differences first and foremost. We supported each other through thick and thin, through lean times, through crisis, through all the good times. Leaving or quitting was never an option. Honesty and frankness was the foundation. We were so damned good together and quite frankly I want more of it. I cannot have it with you because you up and died on me dammit.

As you know I am perfectly capable of doing life on my own. I am simply a capable person. We didn't take the time to discuss life after you during your last days.  I have heard several stories from people who did have that discussion and in all cases the dying partner encouraged the survivor to love again. I am not sure this would have made a difference to me if we would have had 'the talk' so I am making this decision to move on believing that you would bless me whole hearted. I know I would have wanted that for you if the boots were on the other feet.

So on September 5 I contacted a woman who lives on Vancouver Island as she caught my eye on line. Two things drew my attention. She lounged on a couch with a dog and I saw the word 'widow' Here is what I wrote to her:

Hi I was just cruising POF and your bio popped up. The word widow caught my eye. So sorry for your loss.

I am a recent widow soon it will be 6 months.I write a blog deniseneedham.blogspot.ca the March diary tells the story of my loss. Looking to connect right now. Stay well. Denise

_______________________________________________________________________

Well it has been absolutely wonderful getting to know her. Ms. Kathy Carter. It is so easy and almost effortless exchanging thoughts and feelings with her. We quickly determined there was potential for a long term relationship and this came from supporting each other in our losses. And so you are a big part of this Lee. Kathy and I both agree that we could easily sit down- the 4 of us- and enjoy each others company. We would all like each other very much.

So risking any judgement and criticism about this decision and walking in a fearless manner I am pleased to announce that Kathy and I are now partners in life and as soon as she moves here (the goal is March) she will be my business partner too. We are not wasting any time in our separate lives so we won't when we are together. Until and unless someone experiences widowhood it is hard to know what its really like. Its worse than trying to describe pregnancy to a never been pregnant woman. We will continue to be extremely grateful for this opportunity to love again and we will celebrate each day as if it were out last. I still don't know what Kathy's favourite colour is but I do know how she wants to die. Our conversations through email and skype cut to the chase. Nothing has been held back. Kathy visited here in October and fell in love with Saskatchewan and this place. I visit her later this month.

What took you and I years to establish we have done it in days. I thank you for that. We learnt to be patient while we made mistakes and we accepted each other as we were. What a gift!

You and I would write a Christmas Solstice letter every year and I have been thinking about that a lot. I re read the past ones and they were filled with news about our love for horses and treks, challenges and our love for each other. I assume that people who know us know of your death so I will likely simply connect via email to people I normally contact at this time of year. I will direct them to this blog and they can catch up on the news.

There is no sense in re writing anything or offering a year summary as I have spent this year keeping my life out there in the raw. I have learnt fearless behaviour, committed myself more to being in the moment and I am forging ahead at my usual waste no time pace.

This latest news should not surprise you at all nor will it likely surprise anyone who knows me well.

Wish me well. Love you always Denise

Snow Snow Lee where are you?

Lots of snow fell through the night and all day today. Its expected to continue through until tomorrow. I decided to get ahead of the game and did some removal today. This used to be Lee's job and she enjoyed it for the most part. If the equipment worked well , she was happy. I would take hot chocolate out to her and tell her she was doing a fine job even though I thought at  the time she could be doing it differently.

Snow removal is tricky. First off where is the wind blowing from and to and where do I start? The idea is to blow once and that's it. If I screw up and miscalculate I end up blowing the same snow several times. The old tractor had a cab. This newer John Deer does not. The blower is on the back so I have to drive it backwards and blow. I get a sore neck after a while. One hour is my limit and thank goodness I can get a lot done in that hour.  I had cleaned off the entire ramp in the morning then I filled it all back in with blown snow. I call it exercise when I do the second removal.

I miss Lee for lots of reasons and today is no exception. I'd give anything to look out the window and watch her.

snow fell through the night

driving back ass wards

Boots and more boots

Today I cleaned up the porch to get ready for winter. I pulled various and sundry items off the shelves and sorted and re shelved what I wanted to keep. Lee kept her footwear on these shelves and I was shocked to find and pull out into a pile 15 pairs of western boots!!

Now I had some strong responses to this find!! First shock that I never really paid any attention to the TOTAL collection. Her favourite store was Value Village and she simply loved to go there and rarely left there empty handed. I suspect what had happened she would have been drawn to the footwear section and if by chance there was a pair of western boots (cowboy boots is the word city slickers use) there in her size she simply bought them if they fit. I doubt the question "Do I really need another pair of f......ing boots?" would have entered her mind.

Now there were tall boots, fancy boots, 2 coloured boots, tooled boots, ones with riding heels, going to town boots and plain boots. In addition to these I have several pairs of her FAVORITE boots in my closet plus I gave away 2 pairs. I do not remember for sure if she was cremated with her boots on or not. Now I am thinking not.   

So this should not surprise me at all but it does. She collected knives (at least a dozen), leather gloves, and silk neck scarves. She has every colour in the rainbow and more. Oh then there's her hats...................

Lee never ever came home and said "Hey! Look what I just bought! A great used pair of boots from V Village!!" Not once. She simply bought them and brought them home and shelved them. Magical. They just appeared. I assume they fit her. I would often see her wear the same pair and I assumed they fit well and were her fav. When we travelled with the bus she always brought extra pairs - just in case. Blisters? Rain? Who knows?

I can understand a knife collection. One for every pocket and there are lots of different knives. But boots? I can only wear a pair at a time.

Lee did have secrets and this boot collection was another secret. What was she thinking? I wouldn't notice? Did she fear criticism? Like another pair of boots?!!! Well yes I imagine I would have said that. I was much more frugal than Lee was.

So what to do with these boots Size 8 -8 1/2. Take your pick. Some could go back to Value Village and some I could hang on the fence post tops that lead to my yard.  

Yes I'd like to see that.........I'll do that tomorrow..............

Boots are stacked 2 deep

Surprise Tears

My friend Kathy came to visit me for several days and on one of them I showed her the dvd from the re naming of the Wynyard Airport to W.B. Needham airport that happened August 27, 2011. It provided a good snapshot into my family. I had not seen it since shortly after it was produced.

Well.........the whole dvd I find rather emotional but I went over the top with tears when I saw Lee and heard her voice. She did the blessing at the start of the ceremony and when I heard her voice I moaned and choked and was racked with tears. I had not heard her voice for such a long time. Hearing her voice is one of the things I miss about Lee the most.

When I first watched that dvd Lee was alive- very much alive and we watched it together. This time I was extra emotionally charged so paid more attention to it and saw glimpses of her through out the whole production. Like when she got up to get a piece of celebration cake.

I am so glad I watched it with Kathy as she completely understood and 'got it' from her widowhood perspective. Kathy lost her partner 2 years ago to cancer and she too misses Judy's voice. It was so good to be able to recover from the shock with her as she had a real sense about what I had just experienced.

Note to anyone who has yet to experience the loss of a partner- get your voices recorded some how some way. I can go through all my photos, through my bag of her favorite western shirts, read all the cards she saved from me and I can make a connection with her but her voice was never there.

Throughout this mourning /grieving process I have spoken to many about missing her voice. Quite frankly it didn't register with me that I had it sitting right here under my nose.

October 16 Trip to Ottawa

Today I drove to Ottawa cross country on lovely roads lined with farms and fields and all the trees in their splendid fall colours. What an amazing sight! I drove a friend to a medical appointment and in turn she became my tourist guide for the day as Ottawa used to be her stomping grounds. As a matter of fact she used to work on the grounds of Governor General Madame Sauve and Rideau Hall years back.She even coached me to drive across the river to say I had been in Quebec (for about 5 minutes).

After her appointment we walked around the market area and saw all the fresh produce vendors. Such a wide variety of locally grown food. I came away with some lovely apples.

I more or less planned my local travel in a rented car to not include the famous #401. Today was the exception. I was told we had a small section to travel on on the way to Ottawa and I survived that. On the way home we went straight from Ottawa to the #401. The speed limit is only 100 kph. Of course everyone drives faster and there is an excess amount of semi trucks. Now I can say I travelled that famous highway and I am glad it was bright and sunny with all inclement weather being absent.

I enjoyed Thai food for supper in a down town Kingston restaurant.I found it in a rather curious and new way. I used my GPS. There is a setting whereby you can look up every kind of store or service available in the area. I found 'Asian' listed under restaurants and scrolled down until I found a Thai one. I hit enter and I followed the directions right to the door! I do like the GPS right along side a paper map.

There are advantages in travelling alone. No discussion. Just go. I sat beside a couple who had a hard day at work and the woman was constantly being interrupted by her man who wanted to solve her problems before she finished telling him all about them. Note to self: Never do that. One of his ways of solving her problems was to order her 2 shots of rum- like a shooter plus coke for a chaser. Now isn't that a great idea?!Another reminder for me on why I do not drink alcohol. I wish them both well.

On the way home on a busy street in the dark headlights from behind shone into my rear view mirror so I pushed at it to flip it up to stop the glare. In doing so I was startled to hear a human voice come out of NO WHERE that said On Star help will be with me as soon as possible. I thought OMG and grabbed at the mirror to stop what I had started and noticed several buttons. Then in a moment of some panic I hit the 911 button! Well!! When the voice came on I said in a very loud voice (not necessary at all) THIS IS NOT AN EMERGENCY!! I explained that I was simply adjusting the mirror and apologized to her for bothering her. I was forgiven. I had pulled over for this so had a moment to collect myself. On Star is a good feature to have . I just didn't know I had it in the first place.

I plan to spend most of tomorrow wandering around the old area of Kingston looking in shop windows and perhaps entering some of them. Not that I need a thing. I spotted another Thai eating establishment and I just may check that out too.I turn the car in at 3 pm and catch a plane for Toronto. Home around midnight.

Another great get away.

My Trip to Kingston

This  trip to Kingston had been planned for years. Lee was going to show me Ontario in the fall with all the brilliant colours plus her growing up stomping grounds. Here I am on my own and as I have had moments of sadness I am having another time in my life.

Saturday is a good example. I had two naps and stayed in my night gown and pj pants until late afternoon. I have never done that in my life! This house is made from stone and is over 100 years old. The Harrowsmith magazine started in this town of Camden East and the Equinox magazine had its offices in this very house. The walls are massive at 2 feet thick. The wood stove kicks out warmth that penetrates me to my bones in this drizzly weather. Conversations flow in and out. Memories of way back in the 70's when Judy and I first met interspersed with laughter, moments of grief and talk about Buddhism.Saturday was a most wonderful day.

In the evening we went to Ben's Pub in Kingston for a Girls Night Out. Two women played guitars and one played the fiddle and their music was wonderful. Roberta knew them all as they had connections to the music department at Queens. Some songs were written by the individual women and they ranged from soulful to rockin to down eastern stompin music. We had burgers and fish and chips pub style and visited with people who knew Judy and Roberta. As I was introduced to a woman I recognized her as someone who stayed in our bed and breakfast way back in the late 90's!It was great to catch up and meet her new partner briefly. I invited myself for lunch Sunday and a longer visit and I enjoyed that very much. Its a small world in so many ways.

I have been using my gps more or less to keep track of where I am not necessarily where I am going to. I still like a paper map. It was a bit of a challenge in a car not so familiar to me navigating strange parts of the city.If I got disoriented I simply punched in an intersection and drove to that where I would likely find a familiar landmark. When with a partner it is so easy for me to rely on the other person and in moments of some panic or not being sure where the hell we are, short sharp words could be exchanged. No sense having an admonishing talk with myself. As a matter of fact I was most kind to myself.

Note to self: When next driving with someone and navigating be extra nice.

I will hang low tomorrow then drive a friend to an appointment in Ottawa on Tuesday. She will be my personal tourist guide for the day and I will be her chauffeur.A good exchange of services.  

I am finding my grief bursts to be more gentle and less frequent. The pain is not sharp any more. I have integrated that into my life is such a way that it is PART of my life not my whole life. It is all part of the process of moving along.  My understanding i that everything is normal and everyone does this at their own speed. What is right for me may not be right for the next person but it is right for me.

This has been a great holiday.

October 7 Burial of the Ashes Service

A Poem read by James Barr Lee's nephew

The Cost

Death is not too high a price to pay for having lived.

Mountains never die, nor do the seas

        or rocks or endless sky.

Through countless centuries of time,

        they stay eternal, deathless.

Yet they never live!

If choice there were,

        I would not hesitate to choose mortality.

Whatever Fate demanded in return for life I’d give,

        for never to have seen the fertile plains

        nor heard the winds

        nor felt the warm sun on sands

             beside the salty sea,

        nor touched the hands of those I love -- without these, all the gains of timelessness

        would not be worth one day of living

        and of loving;  come what may.

                                                                                                       -Dorothy N. Monroe

Words for Committal of Ashes read by Mary Flynn dear friend of Lee's

Eternal God, in whose care are all you r people,

we commit ashes of

Lee Anne Mary Tennyson

to the earth,

       with thanksgiving for the life she lived,

       and the love she shared.

Give her rest, we pray,

       and the joy of life everlasting.

Lee, the good earth which welcomed you in life       welcomes you now into new life.

Go peacefully.

Travel safely with our love

       into the deeper presence

              of the God who loves us into life,

              who loves us into death,

              and who loves us into life beyond death. 

                 (The ashes are buried)

A Blessing read in unison by sisters Lynda and Louise

(Lee requested this one for her funeral)

May God bless us with enough foolishness

       to believe that we really can

       make a difference in this world,

so that we are able, with God’s grace,

       to do what others claim cannot be done.  Amen

Today we gave thanks

Today we gave thanks for a great family, wonderful friends and for Lee's life.

At 4 pm today family and friends gathered to witness the burial of the remainder of Lee's ashes. It was a lovely short ceremony. The only thing I forgot was to ask someone in advance to dig a hole. So I was a bit shocked to see no hole when I arrived on the scene via horseback.

Oh well I grabbed the shovel and dug a hole! Sister in laws Louise and Lynda brought a lovely cranberry shrub and sister Debra planted some lilies.  We listened to Lee's favourite song Debrah Romeyn's Nothing Like the Freedom.

Denise carrying Lee's ashes in her saddle bags from Lee's horses Spinner/ Claire rode Fancy bare back of course

Denise 'forgot' to delegate the digging of the holes so instead of saying oh shit...I just dug the hole

Buddy knew something was going on

Spreading ashes everyone had a chance to throw some in and say their final farewells

Sister Debra helped plant a cranberry bush that Louise and Lynda chose plus some lilies

I am left feeling at peace, relieved that part of the official mourning is over and quite tired. I think it may all sink in in a day or two. In the meantime I am taking advantage of 2 body builders Sasha and her BF Andreas chainsawing trees and general lifting and shoving. Claire at age 16 loves to drive the truck so to make that a useful pursuit I ask her to haul the trees out back with a chain and Buddy riding roughshod.

I see some wide open spaces in front of me.I continue to exchange emails and contact with Kathy my new widow friend from BC. She has been a great support as she has been there done that having lost her partner 2 years ago to cancer.

Lynda and Louise Lee's sisters

Claire and Fancy

daughter Sasha and sister Debra

Found a post to lean on

More Gifts from Lee

I continue to receive gifts from Lee the most recent being the realisation that  her death and my mourning taught me to be open to expressing grief with every emotion under the sun. I no longer limit myself. I let er rip. In the past I remained guarded and I censored myself with expressing feelings. There had to be the right time and place and I anticipated others reactions before letting my self be seen. No more.

The practise of active mourning has been liberating for me and except for the death and loss part, I highly recommend it. It has been a here and now practise, risking the voicing of immediate feelings. Fears have dropped away to allow me to feel freedom like I have never felt it before in my life.

Alan D. Wolfelt an 'expert' on the subject, describes mourning as  "openly and honestly exressing your thoughts and feelings from the inside  to the outside- no pretense, no repression, no inhibtions."  There was the opportunity while Lee was alive for me to be more in touch with expressing my feelings. Alas I did not learn to do that when it could have offered more to our relationship. And so with her death I have had great learning.

I have given up so many fears and concerns and this along with my 'no worries' attiutude about life places me in a good position for attracting to me that which I deserve - another chance to love and be loved. I have put out there what it is that I want and need and I am now in receiving mode.

I know that there is life after grief. I beleive it just doesn't come to me. I have to go and get it- like I have done with everything  else in my life. I create a clear vision and I don't short change myself or settle for less. I have used that method with everything I have done in my life. It's hard work and its worth it. I am shooting for the moon.

The difference now is that I have learned to better express my feelings in the moment and I risk being racked with tears and emotions. It passes and I move on.

On Sunday over 30 close friends and family gather to bury the last of Lee's ashes. I found the dip in the ground where Jazz Lee's favorite dog was buried several years ago. I will roto tiller the dry ground up and dig a hole. Marjorie Kent the United Church minister who did Lee's service provided me with some prayers and readings. It will be lovely and Lee would approve.

Then we will come into the house and enjoy a full blown turkey dinner with Lee in our hearts. I will fight my Dad for the gizzard and we will give thanks.

September 23 Tribute Ride to You Lee

Dear Lee.

Well you would have enjoyed today. The weather was your favourite. Fall with amazing colours, warmish, very little wind and not a cloud in the sky. Your perfect day. Eleven hardcore day long riders met at Margaret and Nelson's. We left the yard at 10:30 am and headed across Johnnies pasture. Now how many times do you think we did that?! And we never tired of it. It was different every time we rode. Different weather, different colours. How could anyone say this is boring?

You so love this land Lee. It was a perfect day and although you were not riding with us in person you were certainly talked about (mostly funny stories) and we remembered we all rode together last year at this time. Who would have ever imagined that you would up and die on us? Who would have imagined......?

Pee stopping place

Your death has made a big impact on so many people. People have changed as a result of your death. People have re written wills, updated affairs, said I love yous more.....many things. Your death was a big jolt to many.

I digress.... we rode over through the small creek beside the big trees where we'd often have lunch. We would lie down and have a nap. That was what was missing today! A noon nap! We rode all the way to the far east end then down to the lake which has receded more than ever. The waters edge is wayyyyyy out there. At some point we had to crash through the bush to get back on some high ground. Nelson rode down into a VERY thick area and then yelled "There's a tree down" so many of us turned around and rode way around to the other side. Margaret, Nelson and Alex pushed on through and we met them later. We headed for the Valeport picnic grounds and had our lunch there. How many times did we cross that wooden bridge?

I asked Nelson if he'd like to spread some of your ashes so he did that with Margaret and me as witness. It was lovely. I ran my fingers through your ashes and we talked about how our lives can be reduced to ash. It really is unreal. There is such a disconnect for me between your ashes and you as the person I knew and loved for more than 20 years. Oh my....




Nelson spreading some of your ashes

A complete stranger was fascinated by our group of riders so started to take pictures. I gave him my camera and he took some shots. It is challenging getting 11 horses lined up. This is the best shot.

11 riders on a great day

We went to water the horses at the beach and stopped pretty quick as Bert's horse sunk and almost went out of sight. Fell into a hole or channel or some strange thing! Bert rode it out but his horse was down on its knees in an attempt to get out of the water. I wish I had a movie of that. He handled it very well.

After lunch we wound our way west and back across the usual creek crossing. You would not believe it now! The beavers have done some major daming and the 15' crossing is now at least twice that. And deep. Bud went across first then me. So that meant a tall horse and a short horse made it so the others followed. Muddy slough water came up close to their under bellies.We made it to the yard at 10 to 4 and untacked. The horses were a mess with mud and sweat. Of course they promply rolled at first opportunity.

We had a great supper of hot dogs roasted over a campfire, cowboy beans, coleslaw and Iris Strong brought home made perogies as a surprise. Heavenly squares and cookies appeared out of no where. So this is the time of the evening where we told stories about you! You so easily laughed at yourself and you never tired hearing these stories. And we never tire  telling them.

And so marks another occassion where we acknoweldge your contribution to this world and to all of our lives. You touched so many and continue to have an affect. Your life will always be noticed.

If there are horses in your heaven may you ride like we did today- long and hard and with good friends.
Peace to you always  xoDenise

Going Home

On Monday morning Patricia met us for breakfast at Carol's favourite coffee shop. We got all caught up on the news and then headed for the beach where she performed a little ceremony for us. It was all quite lovely. The six month mark was meant for me to be a turning point. I am moving on with my life alone for the time being. Its the end of a chapter with many many memories. As with any widow we have lost the love of our life but there can be room for more and something else. I remain optimistic and open to the rest of my life.

Today I am getting food ready for the supper on Sunday which will follow the tribute ride for Lee. I am not sure how many will come but it will be perfect however it works out. Lee will be there in spirit. And speaking of spirits I hear there will be a rum toast to Lee. Lee has ridden this land many times and I know she will be with us in our hearts. Even this past weekend- she was with me and I am sure she wants me to get on with my life as I would have done the same for her. I wish me well.

September 16, 2012

Woke up this morning, grabbed some fruit then walked to Stanley Park. I wanted to take a ride on the wagon pulled by draft horses through the park. While waiting I noticed a barefoot woman carrying a dashing pair of lovely red western boots in her arm pit. When she went over to her partner on a picnic table I realised they might be taking the Olivia cruise. Sure enough. We exchanged greetings and eventually stories and I ended up with their invitation to visit them while in San Francisco and encouragement once again to remain open to this meeting at the docks.

Julia and T with red boots

We were told some amazing facts by the woman teamster and the one that startled me the most was the fact there is 45,000 people living in one square mile in downtown Vancouver!! They are literally on top of each other. Vancouver for me is a great place to visit but give me the wide open prairies any day.

I headed off to Horseshoe Bay terminal by city bus- the one which stops at every stop. Very scenic. I met Kathy and we had a wonderful lunch in a quiet corner of a seafood restaurant. We talked non stop about our lives from noon until 7 pm about our partners Lee and Judy and about our lives as  widows. It was so affirming. I look forward to continuing this friendship.



Denise and Kathy



The day of the big concert September 15, 2012

Today we seemed to go off in different directions. I walked from English Bay all the way over to China town and I took my time poking around. Who would have thought I'd trip over a Western boot store! I went in and smelled the leather and talked to a woman working there asking if they had palm flat brimmed hats No luck. Somehow we started to talk about boots Next thing I know the 70 something owner sat x legged on the floor in front of me and I was trying a pair of Boulet boots (the best) . He asked me some questions to figure out if I knew how to buy boots then proceeded to give me a great lesson. I ended up walking out with a great pair of boots which I wore all the way back to the hotel!

I stopped for a dim sum lunch. Now I love dim sum and I realised I had always eaten it with others most fondly Lee. NEVER eat dim sum alone. Its not fun. There is too much food. Like I got 4 pieces of a coconut desert! So not one to throw any food away I packed up the desert and headed out stuffed. I was asked several times for money from people on the streets and I offered food. I had taken a stash of fruit with me. In some cases people took what I offered and in others they said No to the offer. I was particularly saddened by one young woman with gorgeous dreadlocks and stained fingers (smoking something serious?)
Oh a mother's nightmare to see their child in that shape. I did run across a woman fighting breast cancer and she did accept my leftover dim sum. We had a great conversation and a hug in front of the Olivia cruise ship about to take sail, for the passage to Alaska. I continued along the promenade and gawked at the expensive yachts and home made house boats. Guess which ones I was attracted to?!

We all went to the concert together and each of us pitched in with helping make this concert happen. Patricia plays the harp and Pam the grand piano. They went back and forth with selections including some poetry and songs about the prairie. I swear they were there just for me It sure felt like that.

The concert was a complete success and we were all high as a kite after. Then the food attack came. This time we aimed for a Thai restaurant but when we could not locate it we turned into a Persian one. What a good choice. The baklava had pistachios and rose water with honey. Such a decadent treat. We continued great conversations. Patricia by the way is an astrologer. She is wildly intuitive and highly skilled at this.I really took notice any time she had anything to say to me. I loved it. All three women were quite supportive  as I fessed up my fears about Sunday when I would be going to Horseshoe Bay ferry terminal to meet a woman named Kathy from Parksville on the island. I found her on line just a few weeks ago and corresponded with her because she was a widow just like me. Well we really hit it off via emails with amazing support. I so longed for widow support and she did too. Support from women who had been there. We exchanged story after story about our partners and we told each other about all the little things we missed. It was wonderful and unlike any other support I have received including my very best friends (who have not experienced widowhood) I was coached to remain open, be myself completely and listen. I calmed down...........

It's been 6 months

KD Lang was fantastic! My sister Debra and I enjoyed the performance immensely. Spine tingling music. She was so in the moment and such a flirt on stage. It was absolutely delightful. I slept over at Deb's and Carol came from Kamsack to meet me at close to noon. It was a strange yet delightful experience to meet someone I had only emailed and talked to on the phone maybe 3 times? We grabbed some food and went to the airport. Today marks the 6 month anniversary of Lee's death.

On the plane we chatted about all sorts of things and tears flowed easily. It was lovely. You know no one gives a shit or even notices if someone has tears rolling down her face in public. It was so easy so nice and just right. In Vancouver we were met by Patricia Sereno and Pam Gerrand friends of Carol. Carol introduced these 2 musicians to each other and encouraged them to collaborate. So they did! Saturday night would be their first concert.

We left the airport and got settled into the Sands Hotel right down by English Bay What a great location! And what a gift from Patricia. Then to eat. Well this was an experience. I had just got off the plane and felt quite grounded and indeed very hungry. Our hosts were soooooo nice yet energized and 'way out there and not grounded in my estimation' and wanted to please so with 25 choices of ethnic restaurants and wandering around I finally barked "Just pick a f....restaurant!"  Did it matter really?? So needless to say I created a bit of stir by being my bold self. But we were eating shortly thereafter! We all decided we had a lot to learn from each other and I certainly felt free to be me.

After a wonderful meal and walk we went back to Patricia's condo where I was asked to share the dvd tribute of Lee. I also showed my March 31 speech and our commitment ceremony. It was all quite lovely. I told the story of Lee's last days through gentle tears and when I finished I looked at my watch and be damned! It was 11:30 Saskatchewan time!! Exactly 6 months since Lee passed.

Both Patricia and Pam offered a gift of music and I was transported to another place. It was the perfect day to celebrate Lee and to recognise that now I want to move on. I could not imagine this day at the start and yet at day's end I felt so complete, honored and even loved by strangers. It was all about receiving and it felt so damned good...............Thank you Patricia, Pam and Carol for becoming my friends on such short notice. Thank you thank you thank you.

Please check out these women' web sites and listen to their music. You will love it as I did.

September 13

Things change and opportunities present themselves! Tonight my sister Debra and I spend the evening at the KD Lang concert then tomorrow I head off to Vancouver for the weekend! Carols workshop was cancelled and then she invited me to come to Kamsack anyways. Then she emails asking how spontaneous I might be. What a dare! Come to Vancouver with her to a Saturday night concert.

So I have taken the dare and will spend time on the plane tomorrow talking - no doubt about the fact that tomorrow is 6 months since Lee died. It will all be good. More when I get home..............

Tribute Ride for Lee September 23

Well, it was noted in the March 31 service bulletin for the celebration of Lee's life that we would be doing a tribute ride for her. We have nailed down a date. September 23. Riders can arrive around 9:30 to be prepared to leave the yard at 10-10:30. Margaret and Nelson's yard is 2 miles straight east of the TV tower on highway #54. Bring a saddle bag trail lunch. Nelson will lead us over to the Big Valley Acres. We will return to the yard about 4 and have a campfire. I will provide a bunch of hot dogs and buns and you bring a lawn chair. Extra non riders are certainly welcome.I'd appreciate people letting me know the numbers who are coming so I can get enough food. I am sure there will be lots of Lee stories around the campfire.

Lee so enjoyed the Big Valley Acres. If you have been to Craven look north west into the hills and that's where we will ride. This time of year was Lee's favourite season. She would often comment on enjoying the warm but not stinking hot days of fall. The smell of wet leaves, the sounds of migrating flocks and the change of colours all made it her favourite time of the year.

If people want to walk to the area you can follow on foot. You are not likely to keep up to our horseback speed but you can certainly enjoy the sights. Its about a mile and a half from Nelson's to the top of the valley.

I am coming up to September 14 this Friday which will be 6 months since Lee died. I cannot believe it how time flies.

September 9 Things Change

"They"say change is the only thing we can count on. So might as well embrace it I say. The From Fear to Love seminar was cancelled due to insufficient sign ups. Very disappointing at first But then Carol suggested coming anyways. So I will do that. Great chance to make some new friends. I'll survey some building projects they have on the dream board and relax. Then the last couple days of my September holiday will be at Trails End with my bus and horse. Yeh.

Sister Debra and I drove out to visit with Trevor and Karen Harriot south of Indian Head. Several years ago I supervised the build of a cabin for them and now they are considering an addition. They treated us to lunch and we bantered around lots of ideas and I left them with a list of things to do. Wonderful visit.

We then headed up to Wynyard north of Indian Head and we drove on some roads we had never been on before. Lovely country. Spent the trip gabbing about everything under the sun. A lemon pie and a sour cream pie waited for us at home. I simply put an order in to Mom for the latter and presto! There it was.
Today we spent the morning chainsawing trees

One thing led to another after I got the chainsaw started and we ended up with quite a pile of brush.

Stopping for a rest Dad who just turned 92, Mom turned 87 September 7 Debra and me.

This is Dad not waiting for me and the chainsaw. He used a swede saw and loped off a limb from a town tree. This was after he crawled up the ladder to find dirt and leaves in the eaves trough. He did this while I was on the other side of the house talking to Mom and Deb. When I came back to the front there he was holding a pot that lacked a handle. I asked "What's that? A pot to pee in?" Then he told me why he wanted it. To take up the ladder to clean out the trough. I went up and did it and realised how did he know there was dirt in there? He confessed he had been up there behind my back. Heesh. Once again- we count our blessings.

September already

My how time flies. The mornings are cool and crisp and I must say I enjoy this time of year more than any other. It's the time of year we would normally prepare for winter. Some years the prep work was left too late and snow came. We learned our lesson Do it early and take our time.

So now how do I do this? Lee and I had the habit of staying home every long weekend and sharing work. This gave staff well deserved time off.I can manage to do a certain amount of chores and clean up while I look after seniors but I feel split if you know what I mean. I like to not rush. I like to be organised and finish jobs. When I look after seniors and do some of the chores I rarely feel like I can say "Well that's done". Lee would come home on Friday with any city stuff like food, printer ink and paper for the photo copier (like I need right now)

The answer? I will be taking off a day mid week on a regular yet flexible basis. This way I can do some personal things, doctor appointments(I need prescriptions renewed) , get my eyes tested (I need to do this), and pick up new bath mats and what not. When I get home from the city I can spend the rest of the day puttering on outside chores. I'll do that for a bit and see if that works out. I may start talking our loud to myself if I am stuck on a problem. We used to keep each on track. Often times we would clarify in the morning what the plan was for the day I learned to keep the list short like 3 items. When those were done we would re convene and make another list. It worked well.... until Lee would say "How about we do this?.... and add another item to the list That drove me nuts. I would remind her about our agreement.Let's keep it simple. Lee would remind me what I was doing after being distracted by whatever (usually then  I said What f was I doing?)  I would keep her from going to wild blue yonder. She loved to change things just for the simple reason its time for a change in her mind. I would want to leave things well enough alone. I would always ask whats wrong with leaving this the way it is? (I would be thinking Why the f do you want to do that?) Often times she could not give me an answer so that fence for instance stayed put. If it works leave it alone dammit. Do we NEED to make this change NOW or can it go on the 2013 list?

You see the royal WE word was thrown around a lot and WE really meant ME in a lot of cases. I was the one who had specific desired skills and energy. Anytime I heard the words WE SHOULD........ and it involved WORK it really meant more for me. Let me tell you I really objected to that in a nice way.

I do not want to do yard and chore work on my allotted days off. I am selfish and protective of that personal time. I am carving out a new normal.

I will likely not go riding until September 23 when we have the tribute ride for Lee. It will be held at the Big Valley Acres and the start point will be Margaret and Nelson's yard. People will bring their own lunch and perhaps we will have a wiener roast at the end of the ride and story telling time. Non riders certainly can join us for that. More detail later.

August 31 New Beginings

Well today I got a new resident. She came with her therapy dog, a lovely tri colored border collie who has already been tested here. Sadie did not make any moves to chase cats or kill chickens and she comes when called. This gave her the green light to stay.

I just about didn't get the green light from my 2 women who have varying degrees of dementia. People with dementia like things to remain the same and they are usually resistant to change. They were quite curious who this was and what all the kerfuffle was about with all the stuff coming and going. I sat down and explained to them both that I can take care of 5 people. This woman needs help just like they do. I explained she had experienced 6 strokes already and its good for her to live with others. At supper they warmed up to her very well as she can carry on a great conversation. She too has some memory loss so they are all in the same boat. Its amazing to watch natural compassion rise up after feelings of I suspect fear, anxiousness and wonderment. What the hell is going on?  There is little reason to explain this impending change in advance because they are so in the moment. If I had told them at noon that a new woman was coming this afternoon by the time she arrived it would be all new information. Best just to work with what's right in front of us.

All 3 people need attention of one sort or another at 8 pm. Pills, pjs and assistance getting the commode all lined up. I have 12 hour days and I am on a 14 day straight run. Oh I had Wednesday off to drive the bus home! I love my work. Its an opportunity to do simple things that make a  big difference in people's lives.

So needless to say I didn't have much time to feel for sorry for myself today. I do have a great book on grief (one of several I have) on my living room chair so when I sit with the seniors to watch TV I can read a bit. What I am looking for is some kind of indication I am moving on....and what I am feeling is normal. I know that intellectually but.....

August 30 Sadness as an energy sapper

I have not read this in a book and no one has told me this but I have decided for me that sadness saps my energy. For those who know me,  most would likely agree I have a good lot of steady energy perhaps like an endurance athlete. Today I am dragging my ass. It could be the coming down off a holiday high. It could be because I have been thinking about Thanksgiving and Lee's ashes.

Lynda and Louise were out today for a visit prepared to work. I didn't have the energy to even think of anything they might do! We had a look at the area out by the road where Jazz is buried and we determined where that exact spot would be. We used to have a sign there and that has since come down. I found the impressions of the rocks we used to circle a small weed infested flower garden. Now part of that area is a rough lawn that gets mowed and the other part grows wild and is unkept. I think it makes sense to loosen the area up with the rototiller and I can plant a shrub or tree.

We had a bit of a cry at lunch simply talking about not believing Lee is REALLY gone. It is simply unbelievable. This is a common grief experience. Our head and mind knows its true but our hearts pain from the loss. It is coming up to 6 months. How can that be?

I look forward to a seminar at http://www.ravenheartfarms.com/ called From Fear to Love. Its an equine assisted learning opportunity and I am very curious about that. I do not feel any fear about going to the seminar. I feel quite excited about it. September 14 will be the 6 month anniversary of Lee's death and I will be in the safe arms of the women at Ravenheart. I love to learn and be in the here and now. To be with horses is an added bonus. I am thinking this will be an opportunity to close this chapter and start another one.

August 29 Home Again

I left this morning at 8 am to go to Assiniboia to pick up my bus, trailer and horse. Made the trip in 2 1/2 hours with Dallas' car. The bus sure looks great with brand new tires. The bill was even easy to handle. Picked up the trailer, took down the electric fence holding Jet in and loaded him up. The trip home was hot and windy. Very windy. I was quite distracted by the new sounds of the winds from the southwest and the rocking and rolling of the bus. I told myself I survived the tire drama so I can handle anything today!

I just about had some drama as luck would have it. Just before Moose Jaw I saw out of the corner of my right eye the tarp that was screwed to the side of the bus to act as an awning was shredding in the wind. I calculated that if it did rip off I'd likely have some warning. Quite a few years ago I investigated getting an honest to goodness real awning and I quickly changed my mind hearing the over $1000 price tag. Instead I resurrected an 8' piece of flat steel an inch wide by 1/4" thick, sandwiched a Canadian Tire $10 tarp between the steel and the bus and presto. Handy awning. I rolled it all up with 3 of my Dad's old belts that he passed onto me thinking they would end up in Value Village. As it was we rarely used the tarp so I expect I'll just take it down.

In Moose Jaw I opened a can of smoked oysters and lined some crackers up on the dash. Oh  I sure missed Lee today. One of the best things travelling together in the bus was that she loved to drive and I loved to 'make house'. I'd line up cheese and crackers and BC cherries on the dash and keep her hydrated. We would both watch for traffic and especially at intersections. Both of us were driving even though only one was in the captains chair. I miss that a lot. Feeling good about accomplishing all of this on my own today is trumped by the fact that I really miss Lee and feel sad.

As with all feelings and as I remember Lee's Mom often saying, this too shall pass.

August 23 On the Road Again

Thursday was my last day so late morning I headed up to Maple Creek for gas and a vet check for Jet's cough he started Nothing wrong with him so that's a relief. I took #21 to Spring Valley Guest Ranch to visit with Jim Saville. Had a lovely visit supper and breakfast and even watched a local Hutterite person artificially inseminate a cow!  Friday headed towards Wood Mountain  stopping in Eastend for a farmers market. On the road between Shaunavin and Cadillac I heard a fwupfwupfwup sound coming from underneath me. Long story short my tires were loosing their treads. In Cadillac a very nice family at a garage changed the one noisy tire to my spare and cautioned me to drive slow the rest of the way. I felt the loneliest and most vulnerable on this particular Friday and I got through it all by staying in the moment. Normally on the road Lee and I would banter back and forth and discuss things and if we came upon a problem we would solve it together. I ended up watching my breathing and calming myself down as I was literally out in the middle of no where with very few farms or ranches. Traffic was sparse. As an old girl guide I thought of all the things I could do if I were to get in a REAL pickle. Stop. Saddle up my horse and ride for help! Cell phones do not work in that area.

It all worked out I called Dallas and made arrangement to come directly to his farm south of Assiniboia so arrived there about 4 pm. Once again Dallas became a lighthouse in a storm.

Dallas grew up on this farm so knows everyone He quickly called a tire shop and arranged for me to get new tires to be installed Wednesday when I'll go back and pick up the bus. Dallas lent me a car and I left Jet and the trailer in his yard. Big adventure.

August 16 The start of a 10 day holiday

Today I left with Jet, the bus and trailer and headed for the Reesor Ranch  for their cattle round up and branding week. As luck would have it good friends Margaret and Nelson were in the Cypress Hills Equestrian camp with Iris and Dave while I was at Reesors! I had supper with them that first night and left with the intention of re connecting with them for a park ride sometime later on in the week. Friday I was surprised at breakfast with the news we were to have Bob and Debbie Kaufman for the day to give us all any horse lessons we might want! They approached the day with the suggestion that we can all afford to go back to the basics with our horses and understand how to break things down to achieve success quicker. For instance, I wanted to learn to open a gate on hinges from horseback. Jet is terrific on a ride with me when I want to stop and open a field wire pasture gate. He puts his nose on the gate post perpendicular to the fence and I get off, open the gate and he follows me to the other side. I do up the gate then re board the horse and off we go. Now I want to learn to come up parallel to the metal gate, reach over and undo the latch, pull the gate towards my horse (scary for the horse at first) and go through the gate still hanging onto it. I need to manoeuvre my horse back and forth with ease to complete the task. We worked at it for part of the morning and both of us got frustrated. After lunch we were reminded to break it all down to one step at a time. Take one step. Stop. Rest. Relax, Take a second step and so on. Keep the horse in position. After lunch I had a new approach and we were successful. It was not pretty but we got through the gate! This involves whats called side passing. It would be like you taking steps to the side over and over again.

I think the 'break it down' concept is a good lesson for me in general life!

What a bonus! To have a horse seminar thrown into the week. We were given wonderful meals all week and I had no self discipline over scarfing down volumes of good food. My only complaint for the week- ME and no self discipline for food.

Saturday we rode and were shown the boundaries of where the cattle were. We were to round them all up and move them from pasture to pasture to end up closer to the corrals. Right before we got to the last gate I took Jet down a steep embankment away from the other horses and I think he took exception to my actions. He reacted  by shying and jumping to the left and I went to the right through the air and landed on my butt. I didn't get the wind knocked out of me but I did loose a boot. I checked myself out and determined I was just fine. Got back up shook myself off and re mounted. I was a bit sore but had no problem sleeping on my hip. No worries.

Sunday the 19th was branding day. We got up early and were in our saddles at 6 am to round up and move the bunch to the branding area. The cows and calves were separated. I later chose to sit in a lawn chair and take pictures instead of getting in with the thick of things. Anyone who eats meat ought to see this event. Pictures to follow. I had never had prairie oysters before. Have you? When calves are castrated their testicles are saved, the membranes are ripped off, they are flattened with a cleaver, dipped in a homemade version of shake and bake, then deep fried. Tastes like calamari. I had one for the experience. Others got right in there and roped calves, innoculated, castrated and ear tagged. Hot smelly and exciting. Often somewhat dangerous if you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Fortunately all humans were spared injures.

Riding 'On the Bench'

Bringing the cow/calf pairs home for branding

Branding is all about team work

Joan does the castrating

Tuesday  we were up and riding at 6 am again to push the cow calf pairs up to the border of the Cypress Hills park. We waited for the ranger who counted 30 pairs which ran through the gate.

I was told Reesors land is the same altitude as Banff around 4000'. I did not take my gps unit with me to verify but will next time. The hills apparently were skirted when the ice glaciers came down years ago. This has left this area as its own little piece of heaven. Tall pines, its own climate, rugged landscape. Great riding area.

I met some wonderful people and had many great conversations. I often thought of Lee as we had planned to do this trip togther. It was all good.

Only other mishap happened as I came to a ditch where we went down sharply then up sharply. Jet took a leap to canter up the hill (not what I had planned) I flew up in the saddle and came down and landed my pubic area right smack dab onto the horn! YIKES. I survived and I walked away from it.