I think this has been one of the hardest days. I had been doing so well I thought and then felt very deflated most of the day. I had been upbeat, very positive, moving along then I set myself back on my heels. I realize more and more that I want to be close to someone, connected. I want to share. I have no idea what to do or how to do it.
I sent an email to a friend and bless her heart she phoned me tonight. We are both widows and have that in common. She suggested I can be open during this 'on my own' holiday to feeling everything and let the tears flow. These horse people will understand. Here goes.....
Thursday 28 June 2012
Wednesday 27 June 2012
Striking Out on my Own June 27
I am striking out on my own Friday morning for 8 days with the bus and Jet. First stop is Trails End Ranch where I will join the Saskatchewan Paint Horse Association and their trail challenge. Chris the owner was so kind in inviting me to it. Good socializing with horse people. Then on Sunday I head down to East Grasslands for the rest of the week. I am a bit nervous and excited at the same time about this trip. Normally Lee and I would discuss preparations. She would go off to work and I'd get the bus ready in my spare time.
Now I do it all alone. What will I forget? So far I have packed underwear and jeans and T shirts and boots. Food- I'll pick up a bbq chicken on the way. Few cans of beans and chili....fruit...
I will have to hand my camera to others to get shots of me on this trip. Otherwise I'll come home without me being in any. It is bitter sweet. I will re connect with folks we know and that will be good Weather looks great after the tornado scare last night.
Life goes on. I have been reaching out and making connections with people. This is good.
Now I do it all alone. What will I forget? So far I have packed underwear and jeans and T shirts and boots. Food- I'll pick up a bbq chicken on the way. Few cans of beans and chili....fruit...
I will have to hand my camera to others to get shots of me on this trip. Otherwise I'll come home without me being in any. It is bitter sweet. I will re connect with folks we know and that will be good Weather looks great after the tornado scare last night.
Life goes on. I have been reaching out and making connections with people. This is good.
Thursday 21 June 2012
June 21 First Day of Summer
I see on the calendar that yesterday June 20 was the first day of summer. I always thought and celebrated the 21st as the day. Must be a reason somewhere and I am sure someone will tell me!
I go to my last for now counselling session today. I have been lax with blog writing but writing nonetheless via emails. I am at the point in my grief where I am articulating the gifts I received from Lee. And there are so many....
Loyalty, listening without judgement, not taking the others stuff personally, getting EXCITED about differences and exploring them and not fearing them, feeling fear and doing it anyway., keeping agreements and re negotiating as needed, talk is cheap action is defining, the little things count, simple is divine, communication can take place with no talking, surprises of time and thoughtfulness that cost nothing in dollars, together time alone, challenges relished and not feared in the end, celebrating the little things, being grateful for everything and anything, laughing at ourselves repeatedly, acceptance with warts and all, seeing through the facade to the realness and all of that being quite OK, accepting what is IS, truth will set us free.
I could go and on. You get the point. What a treasure she was and what a legacy she left with me. I know she was devoted to me and I know she knew I would be OK because I was the trooper in self care. If I razzed her about anything it was encouragement to care for herself. She was excellent at providing care for others. I am afraid being as independent as I am I brushed her off many times and I regret that. I must have felt unlovable in those moments and undeserving. She taught me we are all lovable and deserving and worth attending to. Vulnerability is key and turning ourselves inside out and exposing our self brings great gifts.I no longer have great fears exposing myself . I have found when I speak them they go away.
So today I celebrate my journey with my counsellor. I so appreciate his listening to me and guiding me through this grief. Knowing I had his undivided attention for a good hour weekly has been a port in a storm. I will take my leave of counselling for the summer and perhaps re visit it in the fall. I will get on with finishing my kitchen, holidays, gardening. life in general.
I go to my last for now counselling session today. I have been lax with blog writing but writing nonetheless via emails. I am at the point in my grief where I am articulating the gifts I received from Lee. And there are so many....
Loyalty, listening without judgement, not taking the others stuff personally, getting EXCITED about differences and exploring them and not fearing them, feeling fear and doing it anyway., keeping agreements and re negotiating as needed, talk is cheap action is defining, the little things count, simple is divine, communication can take place with no talking, surprises of time and thoughtfulness that cost nothing in dollars, together time alone, challenges relished and not feared in the end, celebrating the little things, being grateful for everything and anything, laughing at ourselves repeatedly, acceptance with warts and all, seeing through the facade to the realness and all of that being quite OK, accepting what is IS, truth will set us free.
I could go and on. You get the point. What a treasure she was and what a legacy she left with me. I know she was devoted to me and I know she knew I would be OK because I was the trooper in self care. If I razzed her about anything it was encouragement to care for herself. She was excellent at providing care for others. I am afraid being as independent as I am I brushed her off many times and I regret that. I must have felt unlovable in those moments and undeserving. She taught me we are all lovable and deserving and worth attending to. Vulnerability is key and turning ourselves inside out and exposing our self brings great gifts.I no longer have great fears exposing myself . I have found when I speak them they go away.
So today I celebrate my journey with my counsellor. I so appreciate his listening to me and guiding me through this grief. Knowing I had his undivided attention for a good hour weekly has been a port in a storm. I will take my leave of counselling for the summer and perhaps re visit it in the fall. I will get on with finishing my kitchen, holidays, gardening. life in general.
Thursday 14 June 2012
June 14 It's Been 3 months
It's been 3 months since Lee died. Today I got the phone call about the insurance check at Cooperators. It's in Regina and ready for me. I am relieved- that's my first reaction. My second reaction is one of deep deep sadness. The money means nothing to me in this moment. I am sure it will come in handy. But Lee was worth millions to me if we are talking dollars.
I had a great counselling session today where I voiced my frustrations about unfinished business- business that was now in someone else's court. One down- the United Church to go. I did get an email stating they appreciate my patience so that should be settled soon. With all that done I JUST go on living. I came home with a couple of borrowed books from the bereavement centre library. One is on HOPE. I don't think I have ever lived without the thought of hope. Even in my darkest moments I had some sense of hope. There is a line in the book that says Hope is not a feeling. It's something you do.
Maybe I'll buy some deer fencing. There are deer tracks in the garden and my new apple tree has been pruned by them. I am selfish about the garden . The deer can have 159 acres. I only want one.
I had a great counselling session today where I voiced my frustrations about unfinished business- business that was now in someone else's court. One down- the United Church to go. I did get an email stating they appreciate my patience so that should be settled soon. With all that done I JUST go on living. I came home with a couple of borrowed books from the bereavement centre library. One is on HOPE. I don't think I have ever lived without the thought of hope. Even in my darkest moments I had some sense of hope. There is a line in the book that says Hope is not a feeling. It's something you do.
Maybe I'll buy some deer fencing. There are deer tracks in the garden and my new apple tree has been pruned by them. I am selfish about the garden . The deer can have 159 acres. I only want one.
Tuesday 12 June 2012
June 12 Similarities and Differences and Things we have in Common
Over the past couple of weeks I have connected with 4 women, 3 of them had women for partners and one had her husband. One partner died 5 years ago and another 3 years ago and another a little over a year. The woman's husband died just a short while after Lee died. As a matter of fact both attended Lee's March 31 service. We all lost the love of our life so we have that in common.
Some of us are Christian. Some of us are not. Some say if seems like yesterday and others say it seems like forever since we had our life partner. When I listened to all the love stories I was struck by what we miss the most. The little things. Like one being downstairs watching TV and the the other upstairs reading and falling asleep yet both knowing they were not alone. This couple had many differences and it sounds like they celebrated them well. They gave each other space because they each valued their privacy yet they shared important things like kisses good night.
Every partner died differently. No one died alone. Three women knew they had cancer and all the partners valued whatever time they had with them. One had 3 years. One had 6 weeks. Two had no time at all.
When someone dies fast people say "Well at least they didn't suffer." When we know time is short we can make the best of it yet we know nothing for sure. I think we all lived pretty up to date lives yet we all wished we had more time given to us.
It's the little things all right. The back of a hand brushing hair out of the others eyes. The words "I like that shirt on you." "Did you pick up a paper on your way home?" " Come rub my feet"
Yard work. One woman swears at her partner every time she is on the front lawn because it was HER job to do the yard. Another woman needs to move into a smaller place with no yard work as her husband always took care of the maintenance. Some of us are quite healthy and others have health issues. Some of us have insurance money and others don't.
Grief and mourning- the outward expression of grief- continues for all of us. I suspect none of us will 'get over it' but I hope we all 'get on with it'. That is life. Two have found new loves who understand and accept that they come as a package and the loss is included and acknowledged. There will never be replacements for the loves of our lives. There will be old friends, new friends and maybe someone we connect with on a deep level.
And I noticed that everyone spoke of gratitude for the time they did have, the quality of their relationships and the circumstances surrounding their partners death. In all cases it could have been worse. I was very grateful I met with these women and we will continue to keep in touch. We get strength from each other because of what we have in common- the loss of our sweethearts. Now what we have in common is that we are all getting on with our lives as best we can.
Some of us are Christian. Some of us are not. Some say if seems like yesterday and others say it seems like forever since we had our life partner. When I listened to all the love stories I was struck by what we miss the most. The little things. Like one being downstairs watching TV and the the other upstairs reading and falling asleep yet both knowing they were not alone. This couple had many differences and it sounds like they celebrated them well. They gave each other space because they each valued their privacy yet they shared important things like kisses good night.
Every partner died differently. No one died alone. Three women knew they had cancer and all the partners valued whatever time they had with them. One had 3 years. One had 6 weeks. Two had no time at all.
When someone dies fast people say "Well at least they didn't suffer." When we know time is short we can make the best of it yet we know nothing for sure. I think we all lived pretty up to date lives yet we all wished we had more time given to us.
It's the little things all right. The back of a hand brushing hair out of the others eyes. The words "I like that shirt on you." "Did you pick up a paper on your way home?" " Come rub my feet"
Yard work. One woman swears at her partner every time she is on the front lawn because it was HER job to do the yard. Another woman needs to move into a smaller place with no yard work as her husband always took care of the maintenance. Some of us are quite healthy and others have health issues. Some of us have insurance money and others don't.
Grief and mourning- the outward expression of grief- continues for all of us. I suspect none of us will 'get over it' but I hope we all 'get on with it'. That is life. Two have found new loves who understand and accept that they come as a package and the loss is included and acknowledged. There will never be replacements for the loves of our lives. There will be old friends, new friends and maybe someone we connect with on a deep level.
And I noticed that everyone spoke of gratitude for the time they did have, the quality of their relationships and the circumstances surrounding their partners death. In all cases it could have been worse. I was very grateful I met with these women and we will continue to keep in touch. We get strength from each other because of what we have in common- the loss of our sweethearts. Now what we have in common is that we are all getting on with our lives as best we can.
Wednesday 6 June 2012
June 6 Frustrations
I am usually never frustrated for long as I problem solve fairly quickly and move on but today I lost it on a morning phone call. Lee had a pension with the United church and I am the beneficiary. It took some time after Lee's death for me to receive the proper forms to fill out. My insurance agent filled them out and mailed them in May 11. Here it is June 6 and I was called today and told I needed to get them the original death certificate. I lost it on the phone. I yelled and screamed. An official copy of the death certificate went in to the Regina office within a week of Lee's death way back mid March. AND the person on the phone was so hard to understand. They could not answer any of my questions. Their job was to take anything I said and pass it along to who the hell knows. The web site has no easy way to contact the company. The thing that pushed me over the edge was when an assumption was made that Lee was a man. That did it.
I have been so fortunate in all of my dealings with everybody and anybody. The exceptions are the Cooperators and the United Church of Canada with their pension manger firm Ion Hewitt. The Cooperators investigate all claims made within 2 years of a policy purchase. They do not keep me up to date on the progress of the claim and this pisses me off. I have no idea if the claim is lost, what stage it is at, nothing. I have been doing well ignoring all of this and believing answers would come to me in good time. I am running out of patience.
When it rains it pours. On top of all of this I notice Brandy is bleeding from her bum and has swollen parts on her belly Could it be cancer returning? In between phone calls I drove her to Regina for a vet check fully expecting the need to have her put down. I was surprised when the vet said she thought she had a ruptured anal gland and antibiotics would do the trick. I was somewhat relieved but I sense it will get worse.
And so I remember our agreement that we would be grateful and we would celebrate. My disappointment in poor service with these companies is getting in my way. I struggle to feel grateful and I sure as hell don't feel like celebrating a damned thing right now.
I waited 1 minute and I realise I do feel grateful for a recent super visit from a new friend who lost her partner several years ago. We told stories and cried and enjoyed supper together Sunday. I enjoyed my family on Saturday at the Dafoe airport where they celebrated 70 years at the former bomber training school site. I talked to my Dad who had a visit today from a fight instructor and 4 of his top students. They wanted to ask Dad lots of questions about his war history and his training 70 years ago. Dad keeps getting surprises in his life and I am thrilled for him.
I came home today to an email from my eldest grand daughter Marisa who wants to come and visit me. Now that makes my day.....
I have been so fortunate in all of my dealings with everybody and anybody. The exceptions are the Cooperators and the United Church of Canada with their pension manger firm Ion Hewitt. The Cooperators investigate all claims made within 2 years of a policy purchase. They do not keep me up to date on the progress of the claim and this pisses me off. I have no idea if the claim is lost, what stage it is at, nothing. I have been doing well ignoring all of this and believing answers would come to me in good time. I am running out of patience.
When it rains it pours. On top of all of this I notice Brandy is bleeding from her bum and has swollen parts on her belly Could it be cancer returning? In between phone calls I drove her to Regina for a vet check fully expecting the need to have her put down. I was surprised when the vet said she thought she had a ruptured anal gland and antibiotics would do the trick. I was somewhat relieved but I sense it will get worse.
And so I remember our agreement that we would be grateful and we would celebrate. My disappointment in poor service with these companies is getting in my way. I struggle to feel grateful and I sure as hell don't feel like celebrating a damned thing right now.
I waited 1 minute and I realise I do feel grateful for a recent super visit from a new friend who lost her partner several years ago. We told stories and cried and enjoyed supper together Sunday. I enjoyed my family on Saturday at the Dafoe airport where they celebrated 70 years at the former bomber training school site. I talked to my Dad who had a visit today from a fight instructor and 4 of his top students. They wanted to ask Dad lots of questions about his war history and his training 70 years ago. Dad keeps getting surprises in his life and I am thrilled for him.
I came home today to an email from my eldest grand daughter Marisa who wants to come and visit me. Now that makes my day.....
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