My friend Kathy came to visit me for several days and on one of them I showed her the dvd from the re naming of the Wynyard Airport to W.B. Needham airport that happened August 27, 2011. It provided a good snapshot into my family. I had not seen it since shortly after it was produced.
Well.........the whole dvd I find rather emotional but I went over the top with tears when I saw Lee and heard her voice. She did the blessing at the start of the ceremony and when I heard her voice I moaned and choked and was racked with tears. I had not heard her voice for such a long time. Hearing her voice is one of the things I miss about Lee the most.
When I first watched that dvd Lee was alive- very much alive and we watched it together. This time I was extra emotionally charged so paid more attention to it and saw glimpses of her through out the whole production. Like when she got up to get a piece of celebration cake.
I am so glad I watched it with Kathy as she completely understood and 'got it' from her widowhood perspective. Kathy lost her partner 2 years ago to cancer and she too misses Judy's voice. It was so good to be able to recover from the shock with her as she had a real sense about what I had just experienced.
Note to anyone who has yet to experience the loss of a partner- get your voices recorded some how some way. I can go through all my photos, through my bag of her favorite western shirts, read all the cards she saved from me and I can make a connection with her but her voice was never there.
Throughout this mourning /grieving process I have spoken to many about missing her voice. Quite frankly it didn't register with me that I had it sitting right here under my nose.
Friday 26 October 2012
Tuesday 16 October 2012
October 16 Trip to Ottawa
Today I drove to Ottawa cross country on lovely roads lined with farms and fields and all the trees in their splendid fall colours. What an amazing sight! I drove a friend to a medical appointment and in turn she became my tourist guide for the day as Ottawa used to be her stomping grounds. As a matter of fact she used to work on the grounds of Governor General Madame Sauve and Rideau Hall years back.She even coached me to drive across the river to say I had been in Quebec (for about 5 minutes).
After her appointment we walked around the market area and saw all the fresh produce vendors. Such a wide variety of locally grown food. I came away with some lovely apples.
I more or less planned my local travel in a rented car to not include the famous #401. Today was the exception. I was told we had a small section to travel on on the way to Ottawa and I survived that. On the way home we went straight from Ottawa to the #401. The speed limit is only 100 kph. Of course everyone drives faster and there is an excess amount of semi trucks. Now I can say I travelled that famous highway and I am glad it was bright and sunny with all inclement weather being absent.
I enjoyed Thai food for supper in a down town Kingston restaurant.I found it in a rather curious and new way. I used my GPS. There is a setting whereby you can look up every kind of store or service available in the area. I found 'Asian' listed under restaurants and scrolled down until I found a Thai one. I hit enter and I followed the directions right to the door! I do like the GPS right along side a paper map.
There are advantages in travelling alone. No discussion. Just go. I sat beside a couple who had a hard day at work and the woman was constantly being interrupted by her man who wanted to solve her problems before she finished telling him all about them. Note to self: Never do that. One of his ways of solving her problems was to order her 2 shots of rum- like a shooter plus coke for a chaser. Now isn't that a great idea?!Another reminder for me on why I do not drink alcohol. I wish them both well.
On the way home on a busy street in the dark headlights from behind shone into my rear view mirror so I pushed at it to flip it up to stop the glare. In doing so I was startled to hear a human voice come out of NO WHERE that said On Star help will be with me as soon as possible. I thought OMG and grabbed at the mirror to stop what I had started and noticed several buttons. Then in a moment of some panic I hit the 911 button! Well!! When the voice came on I said in a very loud voice (not necessary at all) THIS IS NOT AN EMERGENCY!! I explained that I was simply adjusting the mirror and apologized to her for bothering her. I was forgiven. I had pulled over for this so had a moment to collect myself. On Star is a good feature to have . I just didn't know I had it in the first place.
I plan to spend most of tomorrow wandering around the old area of Kingston looking in shop windows and perhaps entering some of them. Not that I need a thing. I spotted another Thai eating establishment and I just may check that out too.I turn the car in at 3 pm and catch a plane for Toronto. Home around midnight.
Another great get away.
After her appointment we walked around the market area and saw all the fresh produce vendors. Such a wide variety of locally grown food. I came away with some lovely apples.
I more or less planned my local travel in a rented car to not include the famous #401. Today was the exception. I was told we had a small section to travel on on the way to Ottawa and I survived that. On the way home we went straight from Ottawa to the #401. The speed limit is only 100 kph. Of course everyone drives faster and there is an excess amount of semi trucks. Now I can say I travelled that famous highway and I am glad it was bright and sunny with all inclement weather being absent.
I enjoyed Thai food for supper in a down town Kingston restaurant.I found it in a rather curious and new way. I used my GPS. There is a setting whereby you can look up every kind of store or service available in the area. I found 'Asian' listed under restaurants and scrolled down until I found a Thai one. I hit enter and I followed the directions right to the door! I do like the GPS right along side a paper map.
There are advantages in travelling alone. No discussion. Just go. I sat beside a couple who had a hard day at work and the woman was constantly being interrupted by her man who wanted to solve her problems before she finished telling him all about them. Note to self: Never do that. One of his ways of solving her problems was to order her 2 shots of rum- like a shooter plus coke for a chaser. Now isn't that a great idea?!Another reminder for me on why I do not drink alcohol. I wish them both well.
On the way home on a busy street in the dark headlights from behind shone into my rear view mirror so I pushed at it to flip it up to stop the glare. In doing so I was startled to hear a human voice come out of NO WHERE that said On Star help will be with me as soon as possible. I thought OMG and grabbed at the mirror to stop what I had started and noticed several buttons. Then in a moment of some panic I hit the 911 button! Well!! When the voice came on I said in a very loud voice (not necessary at all) THIS IS NOT AN EMERGENCY!! I explained that I was simply adjusting the mirror and apologized to her for bothering her. I was forgiven. I had pulled over for this so had a moment to collect myself. On Star is a good feature to have . I just didn't know I had it in the first place.
I plan to spend most of tomorrow wandering around the old area of Kingston looking in shop windows and perhaps entering some of them. Not that I need a thing. I spotted another Thai eating establishment and I just may check that out too.I turn the car in at 3 pm and catch a plane for Toronto. Home around midnight.
Another great get away.
Sunday 14 October 2012
My Trip to Kingston
This trip to Kingston had been planned for years. Lee was going to show me Ontario in the fall with all the brilliant colours plus her growing up stomping grounds. Here I am on my own and as I have had moments of sadness I am having another time in my life.
Saturday is a good example. I had two naps and stayed in my night gown and pj pants until late afternoon. I have never done that in my life! This house is made from stone and is over 100 years old. The Harrowsmith magazine started in this town of Camden East and the Equinox magazine had its offices in this very house. The walls are massive at 2 feet thick. The wood stove kicks out warmth that penetrates me to my bones in this drizzly weather. Conversations flow in and out. Memories of way back in the 70's when Judy and I first met interspersed with laughter, moments of grief and talk about Buddhism.Saturday was a most wonderful day.
In the evening we went to Ben's Pub in Kingston for a Girls Night Out. Two women played guitars and one played the fiddle and their music was wonderful. Roberta knew them all as they had connections to the music department at Queens. Some songs were written by the individual women and they ranged from soulful to rockin to down eastern stompin music. We had burgers and fish and chips pub style and visited with people who knew Judy and Roberta. As I was introduced to a woman I recognized her as someone who stayed in our bed and breakfast way back in the late 90's!It was great to catch up and meet her new partner briefly. I invited myself for lunch Sunday and a longer visit and I enjoyed that very much. Its a small world in so many ways.
I have been using my gps more or less to keep track of where I am not necessarily where I am going to. I still like a paper map. It was a bit of a challenge in a car not so familiar to me navigating strange parts of the city.If I got disoriented I simply punched in an intersection and drove to that where I would likely find a familiar landmark. When with a partner it is so easy for me to rely on the other person and in moments of some panic or not being sure where the hell we are, short sharp words could be exchanged. No sense having an admonishing talk with myself. As a matter of fact I was most kind to myself.
Note to self: When next driving with someone and navigating be extra nice.
I will hang low tomorrow then drive a friend to an appointment in Ottawa on Tuesday. She will be my personal tourist guide for the day and I will be her chauffeur.A good exchange of services.
I am finding my grief bursts to be more gentle and less frequent. The pain is not sharp any more. I have integrated that into my life is such a way that it is PART of my life not my whole life. It is all part of the process of moving along. My understanding i that everything is normal and everyone does this at their own speed. What is right for me may not be right for the next person but it is right for me.
This has been a great holiday.
Saturday is a good example. I had two naps and stayed in my night gown and pj pants until late afternoon. I have never done that in my life! This house is made from stone and is over 100 years old. The Harrowsmith magazine started in this town of Camden East and the Equinox magazine had its offices in this very house. The walls are massive at 2 feet thick. The wood stove kicks out warmth that penetrates me to my bones in this drizzly weather. Conversations flow in and out. Memories of way back in the 70's when Judy and I first met interspersed with laughter, moments of grief and talk about Buddhism.Saturday was a most wonderful day.
In the evening we went to Ben's Pub in Kingston for a Girls Night Out. Two women played guitars and one played the fiddle and their music was wonderful. Roberta knew them all as they had connections to the music department at Queens. Some songs were written by the individual women and they ranged from soulful to rockin to down eastern stompin music. We had burgers and fish and chips pub style and visited with people who knew Judy and Roberta. As I was introduced to a woman I recognized her as someone who stayed in our bed and breakfast way back in the late 90's!It was great to catch up and meet her new partner briefly. I invited myself for lunch Sunday and a longer visit and I enjoyed that very much. Its a small world in so many ways.
I have been using my gps more or less to keep track of where I am not necessarily where I am going to. I still like a paper map. It was a bit of a challenge in a car not so familiar to me navigating strange parts of the city.If I got disoriented I simply punched in an intersection and drove to that where I would likely find a familiar landmark. When with a partner it is so easy for me to rely on the other person and in moments of some panic or not being sure where the hell we are, short sharp words could be exchanged. No sense having an admonishing talk with myself. As a matter of fact I was most kind to myself.
Note to self: When next driving with someone and navigating be extra nice.
I will hang low tomorrow then drive a friend to an appointment in Ottawa on Tuesday. She will be my personal tourist guide for the day and I will be her chauffeur.A good exchange of services.
I am finding my grief bursts to be more gentle and less frequent. The pain is not sharp any more. I have integrated that into my life is such a way that it is PART of my life not my whole life. It is all part of the process of moving along. My understanding i that everything is normal and everyone does this at their own speed. What is right for me may not be right for the next person but it is right for me.
This has been a great holiday.
Monday 8 October 2012
October 7 Burial of the Ashes Service
A Poem read by James Barr Lee's nephew
The Cost
Death is not too high a price to pay for having lived.
Mountains never die, nor do the seas
or rocks or endless sky.
Through countless centuries of time,
they stay eternal, deathless.
Yet they never live!
If choice there were,
I would not hesitate to choose mortality.
Whatever Fate demanded in return for life I’d give,
for never to have seen the fertile plains
nor heard the winds
nor felt the warm sun on sands
beside the salty sea,
nor touched the hands of those I love -- without these, all the gains of timelessness
would not be worth one day of living
and of loving; come what may.
-Dorothy N. Monroe
Words for Committal of Ashes read by Mary Flynn dear friend of Lee's
Eternal God, in whose care are all you r people,
we commit ashes of
Lee Anne Mary Tennyson
to the earth,
with thanksgiving for the life she lived,
and the love she shared.
Give her rest, we pray,
and the joy of life everlasting.
Lee, the good earth which welcomed you in life welcomes you now into new life.
Go peacefully.
Travel safely with our love
into the deeper presence
of the God who loves us into life,
who loves us into death,
and who loves us into life beyond death.
(The ashes are buried)
A Blessing read in unison by sisters Lynda and Louise
(Lee requested this one for her funeral)
May God bless us with enough foolishness
to believe that we really can
make a difference in this world,
so that we are able, with God’s grace,
to do what others claim cannot be done. Amen
Sunday 7 October 2012
Today we gave thanks
Today we gave thanks for a great family, wonderful friends and for Lee's life.
At 4 pm today family and friends gathered to witness the burial of the remainder of Lee's ashes. It was a lovely short ceremony. The only thing I forgot was to ask someone in advance to dig a hole. So I was a bit shocked to see no hole when I arrived on the scene via horseback.
Oh well I grabbed the shovel and dug a hole! Sister in laws Louise and Lynda brought a lovely cranberry shrub and sister Debra planted some lilies. We listened to Lee's favourite song Debrah Romeyn's Nothing Like the Freedom.
I see some wide open spaces in front of me.I continue to exchange emails and contact with Kathy my new widow friend from BC. She has been a great support as she has been there done that having lost her partner 2 years ago to cancer.
Claire and Fancy
daughter Sasha and sister Debra
Found a post to lean on
At 4 pm today family and friends gathered to witness the burial of the remainder of Lee's ashes. It was a lovely short ceremony. The only thing I forgot was to ask someone in advance to dig a hole. So I was a bit shocked to see no hole when I arrived on the scene via horseback.
Oh well I grabbed the shovel and dug a hole! Sister in laws Louise and Lynda brought a lovely cranberry shrub and sister Debra planted some lilies. We listened to Lee's favourite song Debrah Romeyn's Nothing Like the Freedom.
 |
| Denise carrying Lee's ashes in her saddle bags from Lee's horses Spinner/ Claire rode Fancy bare back of course |
 |
| Denise 'forgot' to delegate the digging of the holes so instead of saying oh shit...I just dug the hole |
 |
| Buddy knew something was going on |
 |
| Spreading ashes everyone had a chance to throw some in and say their final farewells |
 |
| Sister Debra helped plant a cranberry bush that Louise and Lynda chose plus some lilies
I am left feeling at peace, relieved that part of the official mourning is over and quite tired. I think it may all sink in in a day or two. In the meantime I am taking advantage of 2 body builders Sasha and her BF Andreas chainsawing trees and general lifting and shoving. Claire at age 16 loves to drive the truck so to make that a useful pursuit I ask her to haul the trees out back with a chain and Buddy riding roughshod.
|
 |
| Lynda and Louise Lee's sisters |
Claire and Fancy
daughter Sasha and sister Debra
Wednesday 3 October 2012
More Gifts from Lee
I continue to receive gifts from Lee the most recent being the realisation that her death and my mourning taught me to be open to expressing grief with every emotion under the sun. I no longer limit myself. I let er rip. In the past I remained guarded and I censored myself with expressing feelings. There had to be the right time and place and I anticipated others reactions before letting my self be seen. No more.
The practise of active mourning has been liberating for me and except for the death and loss part, I highly recommend it. It has been a here and now practise, risking the voicing of immediate feelings. Fears have dropped away to allow me to feel freedom like I have never felt it before in my life.
Alan D. Wolfelt an 'expert' on the subject, describes mourning as "openly and honestly exressing your thoughts and feelings from the inside to the outside- no pretense, no repression, no inhibtions." There was the opportunity while Lee was alive for me to be more in touch with expressing my feelings. Alas I did not learn to do that when it could have offered more to our relationship. And so with her death I have had great learning.
I have given up so many fears and concerns and this along with my 'no worries' attiutude about life places me in a good position for attracting to me that which I deserve - another chance to love and be loved. I have put out there what it is that I want and need and I am now in receiving mode.
I know that there is life after grief. I beleive it just doesn't come to me. I have to go and get it- like I have done with everything else in my life. I create a clear vision and I don't short change myself or settle for less. I have used that method with everything I have done in my life. It's hard work and its worth it. I am shooting for the moon.
The difference now is that I have learned to better express my feelings in the moment and I risk being racked with tears and emotions. It passes and I move on.
On Sunday over 30 close friends and family gather to bury the last of Lee's ashes. I found the dip in the ground where Jazz Lee's favorite dog was buried several years ago. I will roto tiller the dry ground up and dig a hole. Marjorie Kent the United Church minister who did Lee's service provided me with some prayers and readings. It will be lovely and Lee would approve.
Then we will come into the house and enjoy a full blown turkey dinner with Lee in our hearts. I will fight my Dad for the gizzard and we will give thanks.
The practise of active mourning has been liberating for me and except for the death and loss part, I highly recommend it. It has been a here and now practise, risking the voicing of immediate feelings. Fears have dropped away to allow me to feel freedom like I have never felt it before in my life.
Alan D. Wolfelt an 'expert' on the subject, describes mourning as "openly and honestly exressing your thoughts and feelings from the inside to the outside- no pretense, no repression, no inhibtions." There was the opportunity while Lee was alive for me to be more in touch with expressing my feelings. Alas I did not learn to do that when it could have offered more to our relationship. And so with her death I have had great learning.
I have given up so many fears and concerns and this along with my 'no worries' attiutude about life places me in a good position for attracting to me that which I deserve - another chance to love and be loved. I have put out there what it is that I want and need and I am now in receiving mode.
I know that there is life after grief. I beleive it just doesn't come to me. I have to go and get it- like I have done with everything else in my life. I create a clear vision and I don't short change myself or settle for less. I have used that method with everything I have done in my life. It's hard work and its worth it. I am shooting for the moon.
The difference now is that I have learned to better express my feelings in the moment and I risk being racked with tears and emotions. It passes and I move on.
On Sunday over 30 close friends and family gather to bury the last of Lee's ashes. I found the dip in the ground where Jazz Lee's favorite dog was buried several years ago. I will roto tiller the dry ground up and dig a hole. Marjorie Kent the United Church minister who did Lee's service provided me with some prayers and readings. It will be lovely and Lee would approve.
Then we will come into the house and enjoy a full blown turkey dinner with Lee in our hearts. I will fight my Dad for the gizzard and we will give thanks.
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