I spent yesterday doing errands, stopping in to visit people, ordering flooring, getting prices for windows. I even bought a new Samsung cell phone so I can learn to text. Lord help me. I never thought I'd see the day.
I see cell phone use as rampant and I see a disconnect with people. I have watched people in restaurants where it looks like they might be on a date. Both people are blasting away at their phones and appear to have little regard for each other. I do not want that. I want your attention and I want to give you attention when I am with you. May I be struck down if I get addicted to this new technology. May it just be used for quick messages about bringing home some milk. Will keep you posted.
Kathy, Mary, Iris and I went out for a nice supper and we laughed and told stories about Lee. Some I had forgotten and some I had not heard. There is an addition to the Lee- rum story. Iris had taken Lee to her appointments and she told me that on the way home Lee had mentioned to her that she would like some rum. Iris encouraged her to talk to me about it. Well, she did!
We got a hug dump of snow today. Plans to go and pick up Kathy's new car were put on hold. A dear friend called to ask how I was doing and we had a very REAL conversation. It is quite common when we are in our 60's to look at our mortality and make decisions on how we want to live to the end of our lives and how we want to die. Even if we figure out what we don't want for ourselves. Then we need to TELL our loved ones. Let it all be known. Do not let us guess. We all want to respect each persons right to live and die the way they want to.
I felt quite a lot lighter yesterday. Not worn down and terribly sad. I got over the hump of the one year anniversary.
And now back to a normal life. I half assed backed the tractor out of the shed and got stuck on glare ice. Could not go ahead. Could not back up.Hand throttle stuck. Had to use the foot feed. Looked down and saw a stream of lime green liquid flowing. I shut her down. To hell with it.
Phoned the neighbour to see if he was available to clear the yard. In the meantime Kathy is exercising by shovelling the main part of the driveway. It really has turned out to be a bright beautiful day.
Friday 15 March 2013
Wednesday 13 March 2013
Reaching the Milestone
Dear Lee,
364 days have passed since your death. Tomorrow will be one full year. How can this be?
I have been feeling lethargic for the past few days and have been thinking about you lot. Today I was up on the roof breaking up an ice dam that caused a leak in the porch. From the roof I had a good view of the amounts of snow in the yard. I am guessing it will be a month before it will all be gone unless we get a fast heat wave. We have more this year than 96-97. That was the year you were busy daily with calving and lambing and blowing snow. I remember you complaining a lot about it all.
I am taking tomorrow off to 'just be'. I will go with the flow. I have a good memory of my last day with you and my last night with you alive. That would be tonight one year ago. When I went to bed I so longed for sleep but you required medications every couple of hours. Between me having to pee a couple times and you needing meds often it was impossible to get. I laid awake from about 4 am and got up shortly after.
I must admit I do not at this time want to 'do' another night. I am at the hump. I think Lee is too. I have to gain strength now and she needs to let go. What a strange thought for me. Although all of us support people agree this is the best- to hope for the end soon- its is sooooo hard to think I want her death. I don't! I want her to live another 20 years. I know that will never happen. It's just so damned hard.
When we believe something we make a decision to do that. How do I believe you are REALLY gone?
It is simply unbelievable. Maybe I will 'just get used to it'. The pain of my loss has definitely lessened. I doubt it will disappear but rather simply be manageable.
364 days have passed since your death. Tomorrow will be one full year. How can this be?
I have been feeling lethargic for the past few days and have been thinking about you lot. Today I was up on the roof breaking up an ice dam that caused a leak in the porch. From the roof I had a good view of the amounts of snow in the yard. I am guessing it will be a month before it will all be gone unless we get a fast heat wave. We have more this year than 96-97. That was the year you were busy daily with calving and lambing and blowing snow. I remember you complaining a lot about it all.
I am taking tomorrow off to 'just be'. I will go with the flow. I have a good memory of my last day with you and my last night with you alive. That would be tonight one year ago. When I went to bed I so longed for sleep but you required medications every couple of hours. Between me having to pee a couple times and you needing meds often it was impossible to get. I laid awake from about 4 am and got up shortly after.
I must admit I do not at this time want to 'do' another night. I am at the hump. I think Lee is too. I have to gain strength now and she needs to let go. What a strange thought for me. Although all of us support people agree this is the best- to hope for the end soon- its is sooooo hard to think I want her death. I don't! I want her to live another 20 years. I know that will never happen. It's just so damned hard.
When we believe something we make a decision to do that. How do I believe you are REALLY gone?
It is simply unbelievable. Maybe I will 'just get used to it'. The pain of my loss has definitely lessened. I doubt it will disappear but rather simply be manageable.
Wednesday 6 March 2013
March 5 Dear Lee One Year Later
Dear Lee,
This day last year you went into Regina with Iris for some blood tests and an abdominal ultrasound. You felt well enough to have lunch at Quisnos. You were back home and you were going to live out your last 9 days. You spent your days mostly in the lazy boy chair and nights with me in our bed. It really seems like a long time ago.
I ran into Jan your palliative nurse on Friday night along with her partner. Both were so instrumental in your care here at home. We were also making those arrangement's a year ago. When I re read my diary this week I realized I have come a very long way in my grief process. It has gotten easier - a lot easier.
The weather last year was nothing like it is this year. You blew snow once- that's it. This year I have blown many times plus our good neighbor has used his bob cat to clear the yard out several times. He is boxing himself in as he is running out of room where to put the snow. I have parked the tractor until another neighbor comes to find out where there is an antifreeze leak. If its not breaking shear pins then it's leaks. You used to get so frustrated when things like this happened. You did so much yard work. I don't think I really appreciated your work enough.I know I didn't. I wish I had told you more how much I appreciated you period.
There is 6 to 7 feet of snow piled up on the cranberry bush that was planted in Jazz's grave with your ashes. I expect it to flourish this year and every time I look at it I will think of you and be grateful for the 20 years you shared with me.
This day last year you went into Regina with Iris for some blood tests and an abdominal ultrasound. You felt well enough to have lunch at Quisnos. You were back home and you were going to live out your last 9 days. You spent your days mostly in the lazy boy chair and nights with me in our bed. It really seems like a long time ago.
I ran into Jan your palliative nurse on Friday night along with her partner. Both were so instrumental in your care here at home. We were also making those arrangement's a year ago. When I re read my diary this week I realized I have come a very long way in my grief process. It has gotten easier - a lot easier.
The weather last year was nothing like it is this year. You blew snow once- that's it. This year I have blown many times plus our good neighbor has used his bob cat to clear the yard out several times. He is boxing himself in as he is running out of room where to put the snow. I have parked the tractor until another neighbor comes to find out where there is an antifreeze leak. If its not breaking shear pins then it's leaks. You used to get so frustrated when things like this happened. You did so much yard work. I don't think I really appreciated your work enough.I know I didn't. I wish I had told you more how much I appreciated you period.
There is 6 to 7 feet of snow piled up on the cranberry bush that was planted in Jazz's grave with your ashes. I expect it to flourish this year and every time I look at it I will think of you and be grateful for the 20 years you shared with me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)