April 30 Early Morning Report

I didn't have access to the internet over the weekend because somebody didn't pay the bill!I am sitting in the Winnipeg airport waiting for the boarding call to go to Toronto then onto Halifax.

On Saturday I watched the body building nationals all day and evening. Sasha entered 2 classes and placed 3rd in one and she made it into the top 5 in her other class. I yelled 'You go girl!' when she went on he stage and many others yelled her name so she is well known in Winnipeg. I have mixed feelings about the 'sport' in addition to very proud feelings about Sasha herself. No one can get into the shape she is in without absolute dedication and commitment and that I admire.

Back to Friday I picked up Bev and we drove out to Deborah and her partners home. We enjoyed a great walk, lunch and talk. I so appreciated the gift of music from Deborah the day of our commitment ceremony and her blessing to use her music on the tribute dvd for Lee. It was a lovely day with lovely company.

Sunday I visited Su and Danielle at their new home and Heather and Elizabeth in the evening. Great conversations with great people who had strong connections to Lee. I  have a hard time labelling my feelings I experienced - a weird combination of sadness and appreciation . I have watched he tribute several times with people and I always enjoy it. Heather and Elizabeth drove me to the airport where I claimed a bench to sleep on until about 3 am.

Turning Point

I think I have passed a turning point in the acceptance department. Yesterday I received a letter from the United Church of Canada- a generic letter yet addressed to Lee and a booklet explaining pension benefits for 2012. I called the 1 866 # to tell them to take her off the mailing list.

 

 

I talked to a very pleasant yet hard to understand person. I said 'Please don't send Lee any more mail. Why? Because she is dead, I said. Well that startled both me and the man. He needed to take my name and an explanation and I found myself forcing patience and actually becoming angry. I held it in and talked through gritted teeth and breathed. In the end I asked ' By the way, what do you know about the death benefits and pension money I am to receive?" Well, that threw him for a loop and of course he could tell me zip. He would have to talk to someone else and was unable to transfer the call to another person I could actually talk to and GET the answer. I usually get through to people to want to talk to but not this time.

 

Someone in Regina has put some grease to the wheels so something should happen sooner than later.

 

So the turning point for me is I am now believing Lee has died. I am accepting this truth and the shock is lessening. 

Its simply another stage I suppose. It really helped today to have a great conversation with my Wolesley friends over lunch. I always have REAL conversations with them. 

 

I just had a great Skype conversation with Bunny!! She was my first! another learning....

1 more sleep

When the kids were little they used to count sleeps. How many sleeps until they came to visit Gramma Tattoo and Gramma Lee. How many sleeps until Christmas? How many sleeps until summer holidays?

Well, I have this one sleep and I get a holiday. I plan to meet friends over the weekend and watch Sasha compete in the Nationals for body building on Saturday. I will take Lee's laptop and check emails in the evening and write this blog- BUT that won't be a priority. Perhaps I'll just write when I get back.....

Bladder School

There must have been a dozen women at bladder school today. There was far too much information to be repeated here. The best resource I think they have is a book called "I laughed so hard I peed My pants!" I think it will tell you everything you want to know.

It was good to visit with Mary B today at the General. I decided when finishing running errands that I'd make a stop at Pasqua to the spiritual care department and check to see if Lee's robe was there. Well, the lost has been found! There it was hanging up in a fresh dry cleaning bag from Bregg's.

Here's me giving Lee a Banana aftre her ceremony when I knew she was overdue for some lunch

Lee wanted it to go to someone who will USE it. I'd like to see it go to someone who may have known Lee. If at all interested in it, its the gown in the photo of her on the service bulletin.Give me a call and we can discuss.

In the meantime its back in its usual spot- on the back of our bedroom door so I see it when the door is closed....

3 more sleeps

3 more sleeps and I go to Winnipeg so this week is all about getting ready. But first my senior and I did a lot of chores in the yard. We got the chicken coop ready for Mary's baby chicks which arrive when I am gone. Mary may move a rocking chair out to the coop so she can better keep an eye on the babies. Cleaned up dog doo doo. Now that used to be a job we shared. Wasn't too bad this year as Buddy seems to run back the south field to do his business. Then we installed the repaired tire on the van. I even managed to get the donut back up under the vehicle after reading the manual.

I have started to pack a few things. 9 days 9 pairs of panties plus a couple extras. I've been told to put little shampoos and toothpaste into Ziploc bags for flying. So in order to find them I had to root though the bathroom drawers. Well now that turned into a whole evening project. People- please do yourselves and your partner a favour and regularly clean out your bathroom drawers. I didn't realise we were such slobs. We each had a set of drawers and of course the top drawers hold the most often used items including pills, hair brush and toothpaste. Well with a hairbrush goes loose hair, spilled packages of cough candies, band aids, ear plugs and Lee's collection of nail files. She had almost as many as she had knives. How did all this stuff get collected without me paying any attention to it?! I have some denture cleaner tabs to give away as my teeth are my own and Lee had store bought ones. Jewellery was mixed up in both of our drawers. Some day I will match everything up. Tonight was a combination of embarrassment (at our degree of basic filth) and sentimentality. I wondered when I wore all these earrings last. I found several gold chains belonging to Lee. Perhaps I'll wear one of hers.....

I got a nice card in the mail today from a long time friend of Lee's and inside were quite a few pictures of the 2 of them when Lee was in her early twenties. Several were on her parents sail boat. They looked like they had a lot of fun. I had a great talk with this friend on the phone after she had received a package of materials from Lee's service. She told me Lee had entered the convent twice. She took a break for some unknown to me reason then went back again. Was she running away from this friendship? I wonder.... and will never know.

The Mourning Walk April 22

Beautiful day for a walk! Warm and sunny. Heather picked me up EARLY and we started our walk ahead of the crowd. There was an estimated 350 people walking all to raise funds for Regina Palliative Services. We all wore signs pinned to our backs and ours were in memory of Lee. At roughly the 1/2 way point my achey bones needed a rest so we sat on the side of the path and talked. Heart to heart and always good. At the end  I signed the 2012 canvas banner with a heart, Lee's name and a message from me. We missed Debra but she joined us with Sue and Beth at Pasta Prima for brunch. Once again great conversations and all real. So Lee bought lunch today. Thanks Lee.

Back at home Iris and I rode for over an hour. I took Mary's Icelandic horse out and Iris rode Lee's Spinner. Had a great time. Iris is a good rider and great company. Fast learner and confident. Mary cooked ribs for supper and more great talks....

Talked today about shock and sadness.I recognize these are common feelings many people are having. Lee certainly was right in knowing that death affects wider circles including friends, family and people I don't even know - but she did. I am surrounded by Lee here at home and there is evidence of her in every corner of this house, in the barn, in her car- everywhere. I even found used Kleenex in her riding jackets pockets along with 1/2 dozen .22 shells. I resisted the urge to smell them. I saved the shells. Horse smell dominates our riding gear. I miss her personal smell. Too bad we were so up to date with our laundry...

My friends and sister are anxious to read my report Tuesday after my Bladder Class. I go to a class at the General Hospital to learn about female body/belly parts and possibly exercises to strengthen muscles so I don't have to pee so often. Every woman seems to have similar issues. I will share what I learn!

Team Penning April 21, 2012

Well I had the most exciting day in I don't know how long! Team penning. I left home at about 9:30 with Jet, the bus and trailer for about a 20 minute drive down into the Qu 'Appelle Valley to Beavercreek Ranch on the Seven Bridges road. There were about 20 people there and about 1/3 of us had never done this before. About 20 yearling calves with numbers stuck to their backs are held down at one end of the arena and we are all at the other. First we watched some riders with experience and I got the general gist of it all. I was then paired with Brenda, one of the owners and an 'expert'. I was told to ride INTO the herd and go after a certain number. I rode Jet straight into the herd he pushed his way through until we drove out the 'right' beast. Two other riders were in position to 'feather' and guard the pen. The idea is to get 3 of the same numbered calves into a pen at the other end of the arena. Easier said than done. BUT I had a great time. It was active, exciting, challenging and intense. I loved every minute of it. I had not one ounce of fear that stopped me from participating but I retained a healthy respect for my space and always remained attentive. When you get a bunch of strange horses in close quarters anything can happen. I'd go back in a heart beat and I will.

I left a bit early so I could go home and get cleaned up for a doo at the Delta in Regina. The Saskatchewan Community Newspaper awards. Mom and Dad were there and sister Debra as guests of longtime friends from the Wadena News- the Squires family. Lovely supper and great company. Dd must have been the oldest there and he got a chance to talk to many editors and newspaper people who he has known over the years.

Normally we both are with the bus when we do these horse trips. It often helps to have a partner to look for oncoming traffic when crossing a 4 lane highway and Lee and I always worked as a team. Well today I did it alone and it just takes a bit more planning and focus. Its all about being in the moment.

A while back I wrote about me wondering if I'd find joy again in riding. I could not imagine joy without Lee. It is getting easier and I did find joy. What I miss is her presence so I can tell her about my day. She would have loved to watch it all and better yet, she would have loved to participate.

I need a lesson from a writer. I am muddling up tenses and some of my writing is in a letter form directed at Lee and others like this one just ramble...Maybe this will be a book someday. Might as well learn to write this properly so I don't have to do it all over again later....I am bushed..

Socializing April 20, 2012

Started off today with an expected flat tire as someone spied a screw stuck in the passenger rear one when I got the oil changed yesterday.Called CAA and they put the donut on but my senior and I took the flat one to get fixed by Paul in your car. Its so nice to not do EVERYTHING while I am perfectly capable of changing a tire,  it is great to call CAA!

Went to a women's social tonight for a couple hours.I haven't been in that space since the 90's I think. Noticed a few cosmetic changes. The staircases I had a hand at building were still there. I enjoyed re connecting with people I hadn't seen in a long while. Was so nice to not breathe smoke like in the old days. Lots of expressions of sympathy and lots of hugs. Lots of new faces and all ages. We really became home bodies didn't we? Especially on the weekends we'd be completely satisfied to vegetate on the couch and watch a movie and exchange foot rubs. By the way I sure do miss your rubs.

I've been saying YES to a lot of invitations like for tonight and tomorrows team penning. Made up my mind to stay in the game of living life and continuing on. It is getting easier - the ups and downs- yet when I leave the moment in my mind I often drift to sadness.

My bedtime 20 years ago was 10 pm and so it remains today. I did not push it and stay for the loud music and dancing. If you were here I would have requested a two step which we seemed to have to re learn every time we did it. Love you babe.........

Heart Pangs April 19

I woke up early this morning and finally got up at 7. Wandered around our room and found stacks of cards that you had sent to me over the years. Found your diary going way back to the start in 1992. Oh the heart pangs I experience when I read it! I smile yet feel so darned sad all at the same time. I am not sure what I was thinking reading the many cards ( and there are more stacks of them elsewhere) but my hope was that they would provide comfort. Maybe some day... not today. I actually think I felt heart pangs- a physical feeling in my chest. Could this be so? You were so expressive and free with your words. That was a big attraction for me.

Nelson invited me at attend a team penning day this Saturday as a particpant! Never done it before. I assumed he was inviting me to watch but no- its for particpation. That would be me on horseback, a herd of calves with numbers on their backs, I am part of a team of 3 or 4 not sure, someone yells #4 and we would all head down to the end of the arena and cut out 3 or 4 number 4's. Then we would bring them down to the other end of the arena into a pen.  Sounds easy! I enviosn  bedlam at this point! I had better get a new vision of a very cooperative responsive horse and quiet calves. This will be my first alone trip with the bus and 1 horse in our trailer down highway 54 across the Qu Appelle Valley to Beaver Creek Ranch. I am VERY excited. I have skipped right over any fear and have gone straight to excitement. Nelson is so good to me and he will coach me and I trust him completely.

Today is Lee's sisters Louise and Lynda's 65 th birthday. They came for supper and brought the meal! We baked a cake and they brought a key lime pie. Louise had reminded me it is important to keep these "Lee" connections going  so Mary and Iris  joined us too. Lots of laughter....

Chore Time and Babies April 18

Today is chore day. Mary and I will move the leftover winter hay bales into a smaller fenced in area so they can be used next winter to feed her cows.  Well I went out and started the tractor, opened some gates and then  heard  newborn calf sounds. Sure enough Sophie Mary's Speckled Park cow had a heifer this morning between 7:20 and 8:45!! Mary had checked her earlier and she was suspicious something was going on. New babies! Always is a great day when we have new babies.

Sophies Choice

We each used a tractor. Mary moved hay and I pushed manure. It was quite a production us coming and going and not running into each other as our paths did cross.

Interviewed a possible client today Hope it works out.

Prayers are Answered April 17, 2012

Mary prayed to St Anthony and it came to her this morning. She lent the pressure washer to a friend in Regina and yes - its ready to be picked up! So Lee we won't blame you for hiding it anymore! I found a pair of gloves you must have bought recently. They did not look familiar to me at all. I thought maybe they were Mary's but she said No. She tried them on anyway and she said they fit and likes them. So this is good. I am giving your jackets away to people who would like them and they will remember you every time they wear them. It is just amazing the amount of stuff we collect in our lives. I think you had over a dozen pocket knives! I thought you had 1! Well they are useful that's for sure. One for each jacket pocket. They will be put to good use.

I had a rough time going through the tack room in the horse trailer. I am looking for smells of you and the coats and jackets of course are smelling like horses. Just holding them and running my hands inside down the back knowing you wore these pleases me. Its a combination of sadness and joy. How can that be? Two feelings at once.They trigger so many memories. I am unlikely to get rid of them.

I have an enquiry in from a gentleman who will come for a visit Wednesday at 1:30. I hope that goes well. Our senior with a broken leg is healed up and will be back here early next week- just in time for me to settle her in. Then I'm going to Winnipeg for several days and then Halifax to meet with an old time friend from high school.I had told you I wanted to go to Winnipeg to see Sasha compete in her body building competition but only if we had more people here. Well its short notice and down to the wire so here's hoping!

Dear Lee April 16, 2012

There are certain things that require 2 people to do the job- like trimming the little 13 pound Brandy dog. You used to hold her while I trimmed her toenails and got her underbelly. It took quite a bit of time and lots of patience to get the job done today without you!

I thought she would hate me after I was done but this evening she climbed up on my lap on the couch. I looked down at the end and you used to stretch out one way and I'd stretch out the other way. It was wide enough for the two of us. I have such a vivid imagination yet I cannot make you appear.........this must be what loneliness feels like. I haven't felt lonely in decades.

Dear Lee April 15, 2012

Well I made up my mind yesterday I'd go riding this morning as they predicted lousy weather later in the day. So I saddled up Jet and Buddy and I went south through the chicken barn pastures for almost 2 hours. Jet tested me and he was not happy leaving the herd but I persisted and I made out OK and really enjoyed the outing. Another first under my belt. Back home I let Iris's granddaughter ride Jet for a while and that went just fine Reminded me of Marisa and Claire before they were 10. Fearless and confident.

Did I tell you the ticks are out a LOT?!! I picked up some tick oil or ointment for Buddy so hopefully that will help. I picked several off me. Now there's something I miss. Checking each other for ticks! Its hard to see my whole back in a mirror. You were the one who pulled ticks off Buddy all of the time.  Another job for me now.

Have had great conversations with many people but sure miss the ones with you...

Inhale Exhale

Inhale- I calm body and mind

Exhale- I let go

Inhale- dwelling on the present moment

Exhale- this is the only moment.

_______________________________________________________

I find the above quite useful

Once Over Easy

I found this story on Lee's computer. It is more detailed than the one I wrote for the service bulletin

ONCE OVER EASY

We call this story about Lee - "Once Over Easy".  You'll soon see why.

Every since she was a wee girl, Lee has secretly wanted to be a cowboy.  She had all the right qualities: strong, silent, good humored and proud.  Her good friends Margaret and Nelson helped her finally realize her dream and Lee has beceome quite an accomplished rider and horseman - a cowboy.

Lee has had lots of unique learning experiences, all of which tested her and taught her.  Lee's determination and pride always carried her through.  No matter what happened, she'd pick herself up, dust herself off and get right back on.  It's the cowboy code, the code of the trail - you don't whine, you don't complain, you don't give up, you support your cowboy friends, you get on with the job and never quit.

Meegan and I have enjoyed many long rides with Lee.  One beautiful fall day a couple of years ago, Meegan and Lee decided to take me on a ride.  We had all been along the old rail bed near Lumsden Beach several times before and knew it would be a great place to enjoy the beautiful colors along the shoreline.  A picnic lunch was prepared and packed in the saddle bags.  Meegan's horse Doc wasn't ready for a long ride at the time so Lee, soul of generosity that she is, offered to let Meegan ride Jester.

After all the details were looked after we took off at our regular breakneck pace, usually set by Lee's trusty steed Quincy.  It was a pretty uneventful ride, just a minor incident when we stopped to eat.  Jester spooked at some imaginary danger, catching Meegan totally unprepared, flinging her into the bush, reins in one hand and sandwich in the other.  Lee calmly went to her aid, pulling her up out of the bush and back on to her feet.  After a few "are you OK's" and "what got into him's" we packed up and were off again.  No further mention was made of the event.  Meegan made a mental note not to relax too much around Jester or any other horse for that matter. 

We had to navigate down the steep hill into Lumsden Beach but the horses behaved perfectly.  After stopping to admire the view of the lake and all the colors along the shore, we struck off down the trail, heading towards Craven.

After just a short while Lee suggested we stop for a moment to adjust our tack and fluid levels.  We all agreed it was a good idea.  We were well spread out along the trail, me in the lead, Meegan in the middle and Lee at the end.  Everyone kept a respectable distance while we made the necessary adjustments in the shelter and privacy of the bush.  Another code of the trail, no peaking and always pack some tissue.

While Lee was off in the bush Quincy took advantage of the tall grass along the trail.  She was in eating mode when Lee returned, head down, munching away, settling in for a rare"fresh grass" treat.  Fluid levels adjusted, Meegan and I were back on our horses, eyes politely averted.  So neither one of us can say exactly what happened next.  We both turned our heads in time to see Lee doing her usual mounting routine, except this time she didn't make Quincy lift her head from the grass.

Some of you will know that due to her bad knee Lee uses a stirrup extender and doesn't exactly pop into the saddle.  Now I want you to imagine what happened next in slow motion because that is the way it plays back in my memory.  Get a picture of Lee swinging her right leg across Quincy's back, followed in one fluid motion by her left leg while Lee pivotted, perfectly balanced with her ribs on the saddle horn.  With the grace of an Olympic gymnast, she slid down to the ground on Quincy's other side.  Just before she disappeared behind Quincy's shoulder we caught the puzzled look on Lee's face.  Landing with both feet squarely underneath her, Lee said not a word.  She adjusted her Confederate hat, tugged at her belt, squared her shoulders, walked aound Quincy, pulled the horse's head up from the grass and remounted.

Adhering to the code of the trail, Meegan and I didn't say anything, just turned and headed east.  The ride carried on uneventfully, just another lovely fall experience shared by friends and horses.

Two or three days later, while driving to work, Meegan burst out laughing.  When I asked her what was so funny she told me she just had a flashback to Lee's amazing feat - the once over easy mount and dismount.  We had a good laugh but in deference to Lee's cowboy pride, didn't mention it again.

It wasn't long though until Lee raised the story herself, albeit from her perspective.  We all had a huge laugh, Lee enjoying the story as much as we did.  Now it is just another part of the legend that is Lee Tennyson - Cowboy.   And if you ask her I am sure she'd love to recount the whole experience for you, the way she remembers it.  

Dear Lee on Friday the 13th

I am still receiving cards in the mail, email messages of support and phone calls. People really do care. I often hear stories about how you helped them through a difficult time. You never told me about specifics on your job because confidentiality was sacred. I think when you died you never knew the total impact you made on so many peoples' lives. Your skills were so right for your job and you are sorely missed by many many people. I was in both the General and Pasqua hospital and your picture is still up on the wall as United Church chaplain.

I received insurance money today and paid off our mortgage. I have a hollow feeling in me. It's "NICE" to know I am debt free but at what cost?! I expect over time I will make it OK. Our plan had been that you would retire in 2-3 years then the mortgage would be paid off. This gift has come with a high price.

I went to the horse trailer tack room and rummaged around and lo and behold, I found the GPS in a new cantle bag. It had been in there over 2 winters! The batteries still worked. I had looked and looked in pockets and all over the place for that GPS and no luck Well Friday the 13th is my lucky day. Now where is the pressure washer?!

I FOUND THIS TODAY ON LEE'S LAPTOP. I ASSUME SHE WROTE IT. IT IS DATED  FEBRUARY 7 THIS YEAR. MORE SURPRISES.....

Keening

To talk in grief, women lift their voices and their wail is heard

To the ends of the universe and beyond, to the very ear of God

Their keening wail speaks their shattered, broken hearts

For words cannot describe their tragic bursting hearts

Too sad, too sad for words, too sad

But my keening wail is clogged – stuck in the back of my throat - the sound won’t come

Why?

I am afraid of that sound that would come from me, the pain that would explode from the very centre of my being

The pain of knowing deep in my soul that there was no time…

No time to absorb that tragic news, no time to catch a breathe,

Torn away too soon, too soon, too soon

Dear Lee April 12, 2012

Well  I never know where I might run into you! I grabbed a plastic margarine container in the freezer that had a label on it "Good Soup".  I thawed it out during the morning and at lunch realised it was your favourite soup- in fact the soup I made for you while sick at home with so called pneumonia. Navy bean soup. I also came across a bundle of new greeting cards all western flavor. (not in the freezer) From the looks of them they were meant for me. Brings a smile to my face. Its hard to believe I can so easily smile when I think of you.

I roped up all the dead branches we cut together last fall and hauled them to the back brush piles using the John Deere garden tractor. Faithful Buddy ran along beside for each of the 4 trips. You were never fond of tree pruning because you liked all the shade. I like to trim in such away that I never got impaled or knocked off the lawn mower. That usually means I take all the branches off as high as I can reach. I must admit I did most of the pruning while you were at work. You never seemed to notice the scalping! I will still never prune a tree without thoughts of you.

I repaired the chicken fence in anticipation of Mary getting baby chicks early May. One more patch and we will be ready to go. It is seriously windy today. Not a good day at all to release ashes..........

Mourning Walk

Dear Lee,

I am going on the Mourning Walk sponsored by Regina Palliative Care Inc. on April 22. Its only 4 km and its meant to be a fund raiser. BUT I don't have a lot of energy to put into attracting funds from people. I did however invite people to come and walk with me and remember you! Then maybe we can go out for lunch afterwards.


Four weeks ago tonight you died. It is so hard to believe. So much has happened since then and time has flown by for me. I cannot believe its been 4 weeks! How can it be? When will I GET IT? I just heard tonight about what appears to be a sudden death- and its someone you know. I at least got to spend some time with you and we said our goodbyes. I so appreciate that gift.

I have read that the process of dying can be compared to the process of giving birth. We can come up with elaborate specific plans and cross our fingers but then the body does what it does and we have to accept what is happening. When we give birth we can say "I will not take any pain medication."  Then we change our minds. We can hope for a painless death, a quick death but can we control it ?

I am so grateful that you were clear with your wishes. I think you got everything you wanted except for maybe a short service! One of the best gifts we gave each other was to speak about our beliefs, our desires, our hopes and dreams. We certainly made  the best of the time we did have together. Thank you.

Dear Lee April 10, 2012

Have talked to several friends and have had several visits. The calls and visits seem to happen at great times. Talking is a big help and it is much easier now. I think the worst is over. Yet I will not be surprised if I have more ups and downs.

Been reading your book 'Healing Death' finding wholeness when a cure is no longer possible by Dennis L. Zimmerman. I know this book was important to you and you valued it a lot. I can tell you took the book to heart as I know you made my life easier by making so many decisions on your own. You made the process of your living your last days relatively easy for me as I had clarity on what you wanted and didn't want. What a gift you gave me. Thank you. If I did not have that direction from you I would have had a harder time.

Thank you thank you.

Dear Lee April 9, 2012

Oh do I miss talking to you. I can remember your smile. I can remember the twinkle in your eyes. But I have trouble 'hearing' your voice. I see your name written in the front cover of books and I run my fingers over the signature. You held this book.This book was important to you. We used to talk about all sorts of things. We used to be able to have different opinions on everything and that was OK.

Kris from Berkley phoned me today around noon and we talked and talked. She remembered when you bought that ring! She loved it too. Been 20 years since we were in San Fran together. I have put a trip to visit Kris down on my bucket list.

Mary came over and we had a great talk later in the afternoon. Its good to have her close by as we can keep an eye on each other. We recognise we are both very independent women quite skilled and talented yet we are both capable of feeling fear paralysis. Lee and I had a deal whereby only one of us would be sick at a time, only one of us would loose our sanity at a time. Perhaps I need to make a deal with Mary! Mary talked about talking to Lee about me. They were always overwhelmed at the amount of energy I had. They used to think they had to keep up to me and I knew that was impossible and unrealistic. My energy levels go up and down as they would with anyone. I remember when I was 40 I could work any 25 year old woman under the table. Not anymore. Now if I feel ambition coming on I either take advantage of it or I ignore it.There is always the option of doing nothing,

Dear Lee April 8, 2012

Drove to Wynyard today and listened carefully to the words of Deborah Romeyn's song "My Own Road".

I've sold my soul for money and I've sold my soul for time
And I've taken roads well travelled, past roads I knew were mine
Age brings a strange permission as well as wellworn lines
As time goes rushing by me, I see the chance is mine.
So pack my bags with wonder, this time I'm taking nothing less than joy
Understand that I've got new plans I'm on my own road.

I have heard this song many times before but today for some reason this song resonated with me and it felt like permission to move on. I now make decisions on my own. Like the little girl on that great commercial "I can do anything I want!"  Taking nothing less than joy- what a great line. What will get in my way are thoughts that I don't deserve...........whatever... When I ask myself "what would you think of all of this?" you would want me to get the most out of life of course...

So that will be my job.

Letter to Lee from Sue Williams March 6, 2012

March 6^th 2012

In Gratitude and in Celebration of Lee …

When Denise mentioned these words last night, I thought …YES, Perfect!  The only addition I would make is to add “Love”.  What a perfect way to honour a dear friend through the completion of a life’s journey.

From time to time, our paths would cross in the most delightful way, even if we had not seen each other for a while, Lee and I shared a connection grounded in our mutual love of horses and the love of a spiritual journey.  Even though we each travelled different pathways, we always came together recognizing that our life passions were essentially the same.

Through our recognition of this similarity, our connection over the years remained strong despite the distance and distractions of each of our lives.  So that when we were able to see one another, our discussions, sharing, laughter picked up where it had left off. Our friendship was one of greater commonality and cohesion…rather than debating the difference of each of our traditions.

Our best discussions were often on horseback, creating a profound level of connection based on our deep love of the horse. As we meandered through the breathtaking Saskatchewan terrain, our conversations would also meander through great vistas of spiritual potential. I clearly remember one such discussion centering on Grace and what it meant for each of us. I think Lee called it “Holy Greece”. We discussed how we were each guided by an unseen hand through the turmoil and joy that was the journey of our lives. We shared how the result of that guidance – that Holy Greece opened unseen doors, turning challenges into opportunities in the most amazing and inspiring ways.

The view was breathtaking; the company superb; the discussion thought provoking, challenging, amazing, inspiring. What’s better than that? And all from the back of a horse, which alone is a spiritual experience for those of us so connected to those exquisite animals – as Lee and I were. 

To me this is the embodiment of Grace – a sacred path, an opening to a unfathomable inner connection which enabled each of us to catch a glimpse of the depth of our souls. This I shared with Lee. This was one of the gifts I received from my dear friend.

I honour you Lee. I honour your sweet nature, your sense of humour, your laughter, your depth of character but most of all your unbounded generosity as experienced by those of us fortunate enough to know you.

Your generous heart and selfless gifts that you so freely offer have made a difference in the lives of many. The friendship you offered to me touched my soul in a very profound way. You once said to me that I was your “soul sister”. I never said at the time, but I say now: I am deeply touched – I am so moved. I have been privileged and honoured to have been so touched by the abundant Grace that you hold.

In Gratitude, in Celebration but most especially and certainly – with Love. 
I honour you Lee. 

Your Soul Sister, Your Friend – Sue

Rings and Things April 7, 2012

I tried on Lee's ring today- the one that matches mine. Twenty years ago we went to San Fransisco and at the craft and art vendor area Lee bought herself a ring. It was silver with a gold triangle on it. I admired it from the start and admonished myself why I didn't get one too. Several months later Lee presented me with a matching ring. A friend made it for her using the discarded gold Lee had saved from her dental work that was no longer needed. The Sisters of St. Josephs paid for it all way back in the 60's and now it was put to good use.

Lee's fingers were much bigger than mine so her ring fits my left index finger. It fits quite nicely and it feels good.

The snowstorm from yesterday and last night made the roads impassable so I cancelled our worker for the day and my trip to my parents. I will see what tomorrow brings weather wise and I may take my senior there for a day trip. The sun shone brightly today and my mood matched the brightness. I didn't feel heavy like the day before. I looked at the calendar and plotted out a couple of weeks of holidays this summer. July will see me go to the Wood Mountain ride again. We had considered going elsewhere this year but I think going back will be good for me.  There will be familiar faces and they are all a good bunch of people. East Grasslands will be the main focus for exploring. I also plan to go to the Reesor Ranch in Southwest Saskatchewan for a week of cattle round up and branding in August. Lee and I had that trip on our wish list after we spent a weekend at the ranch a couple years ago. When folks sign up to work then its a done deal. I look forward to the trips but it sure will be different.

I reminded myself today there are so many ways of looking at everything. Sometimes when I was with Lee I looked forward to doing things on my own. Now I am alone and wish I had her with me. So the lesson is making the best of every moment and being happy with what is-is.

I attempted to seek support from a couple web sites but gave up because of the technology. I didn't seem to be able to get past registering. Perhaps that's not the way for me to get support- from strangers. I will make a point of contacting people if I feel lonely.

Reaching Out April 6, 2012

The weather today was more like winter than spring. I spent much of the day with Lee's laptop in my lap and I searched on line support for grief. I came across a quote

There are two great questions: Where do you hurt? How can I help you?

So if I were to ask myself this question today I would answer I feel lethargic, fuzzy, lacking of any energy and disappointed I won't be going home for Easter with my folks.

And the second question- I would say the reader of this might consider engaging me in a conversation by phone, in person, or on line or come for supper and talk. There is a time for privacy and quiet and now is not that time. I want to remain engaged. I am eating properly, sleeping well and yet I lack energy to get off my ass. I am strongest in the morning so that's the time I could push myself out the door. I realise I am being hard on myself- thinking I am lazy. I have this sense that I want to get away from myself. Get away from these undesirable thoughts and feelings. I am having a challenge in staying with the feelings and believing they will pass. I want to force the issue. Yet I lack any energy to do that. I wonder if this is depression. Normally by body is full of energy, spry, willing to move, wanting to move and be active and now its saying NO. I don't have the energy to argue .... tears are welling up in my eyes at this minute.....I think I am just feeling sorry for myself. Even though I have told people Lee has died I don't believe it myself. Is it that I don't believe it or don't want to believe it? I am confusing myself and exhausting myself more..........I am going to go and loose myself in some nonsense television program.
______________________________________________________

Dear friend Beth called tonight and we had a great talk. That helped a lot. Also got an email from a friend.............very helpful. Going to bed with a book about Buddhism and death. Lessons in the here and now.

Dear Lee April 5

Dear Lee,

Today I took my senior to Regina and we delivered all of your books to the General. You wanted your colleagues to use them and the CPE students to have access to them. You sure loved your books! I even found one unopened in a package from Amazon you must have ordered it right before you went into the hospital. I saw a charge on my MasterCard! They will all get good use. We also dropped off about 10 bags of your clothes at Value Village. I found it very hard to go though your clothes in the porch because those are the ones I saw you wear at home. I can't wear them because they are all too big for me. I will remember you in pictures.....I did save some of your going to town jackets Perhaps I'll find a suitable cowboy or cowgirl to take them.

I found myself very distracted today.I had mood swings and many distractions.  I realised I was not in the moment but all over the map. The waves took me here and there and all over the place and that's not OK when I am driving! Once I realised it of course I paid more attention to the road. I want to remind myself too about the approach you and I took when we 'got the news' - to express and feel gratitude and celebrate. Its a matter perhaps to find a balance. How long do I stay sad or down and how soon do I remind myself to 'snap out of it'? Lee you were so good at dealing with people's grief and people loved your ways. You said the right thing at the right time and you were an astute listener. I find it hard to talk to myself. I want to seek clarity when  "I feel muddy". That's a weird way to describe things....

I still cannot believe you will never be back here in person. I expect you to walk in the door any minute. I sit in the chair you sat in and I sit on the toilet you used. You are everywhere yet not here. When will I believe you are gone? How do I become OK with all of this? Right now I feel lethargic, sluggish, lazy and in the past I would never feel all of that intensity. I would label them 'not good feelings'.

Well certain things need doing around here like chores and supper for our senior. I am grateful for distractions as this will get me out of my slump.

_____________________________________________________________

Denise you are doing such a beautiful job of expressing yourself. And I also want to encourage you again to be gentle with yourself when stuff comes up. Yes be safe - especially with your senior. But otherwise - get used to it - you coming out of the numbess a little and these feelings will take as long as they take and often will hit you blindsided - like the handwriting for the grocery list.

Love you

Bunny

PS I think I should have put the above in the grief thread but also wanted to comment on your blog
________________________________________________________________________
From widownet.org

You know you're getting better when....

• Your memories make you smile instead of break into tears.
• When someone else's pain hurts you more than your own.
• When you can tell someone else life really DOES go on.
• one day you wake up and you don't have to remind yourself to breathe.
• you want to find a way to leave your grief in the past.
• you find you are actually enjoying living.
• you can come home and be content in an empty house.

Hard Stuff April 4, 2012

Lee's two sisters Louise and Lynda came out today for a GREAT visit. Both have had experience with loosing a loved one. Louise lost Murray her husband and Lynda lost Christine her daughter. Both talked about the grief process and they were incredibly encouraging and helpful. Out in the garage they helped me tackle all of Lee's papers, binders, everything.... It was hard to chuck out a lot of the stuff as we knew it was most important to Lee. But what do you do with it all? We will send books to the CPE students. They will be appreciated there.

I asked them about "when did it sink in?" They explained it's a process and it takes time and we all do it  in our own way. I came in the house feeling quite exhausted and that's a word others use around me. I don't think I have ever used that word to describe how I feel. Hard to explain. I feel zapped of energy and it could not be physical. It must be emotional. I'll ride it out and think patient kind thoughts.

Happy 68th Birthday Lee

Well today is your 68th birthday. I don't know what to say. I am at  a loss. I kept busy today doing chores, cleaning out the gazebo so its ready for Mary's baby chicks. Wandered around from here to there doing STUFF and in the end finished a couple of jobs. Drove the tractor out to the back and disconnected the snow blower. Even though they expect snow this weekend I made an executive decision as I don't think we need the blower. I guess I'll be making all the decisions around here now. I am grateful I have Mary to consult with. She can tell me if I am crazy or not.

When I stop and think about you today I do feel deep sadness and loss. I want to hear your voice and see your smile. I want you to tell me how your day went. I want you back! Is this what a wave of sadness is? Do I stay here with these thoughts or push on? I do have to make supper .............. I have fond memories of your 50th birthday and then we went to San Francisco to celebrate it. Seems so long ago but feels like yesterday.
68 is too young to die. Dammit its too young to die.

I think what will sustain me is to follow the approach we used surrounding your last few weeks. I will use the attitude of gratitude and celebrate your life. So with that in mind I will heat up some leftovers for us and find some chocolate for desert. Love you babe..
___________________________________________________

Margaret and Nelson came over about 8:15 to have a birthday drink! They walked in with an angel gift for me and a bottle of rum for you. Can't believe I actually had a couple sips. Yuk I do not like the taste of coke or Pepsi. I have never actually drunk pop throughout my life! We had a great visit, clinking our glasses to you and we told stories. Lovely way to celebrate your birthday.

Words of Remembrance March 31, 2012 by Pam Thomas

LEE TENNYSON     WORDS OF REMEMBRANCE      MARCH 31, 2012

Friends, it was my privilege and honour to be one of Lee’s companions on her journey into ministry, and it is my privilege and honour now to share some of that journey with you. 

I think Lee’s call to ministry had been with her her entire life.  It was what led her into the sisterhood, and what led her out of it again.  It was what led her on her life-long spiritual quest to find a place where she could feel that her own spirituality was at home and embraced, and where she could exercise those gifts that so needed expression.  It was in the United Church that she finally found that home, and it was in the United Church that she felt able at last  to offer those ministry gifts.

But her journey to ministry was not an easy one.  Churches are full of rules, and ours is no exception.  First Lee had to become a member, and then she had to participate as a member for some time before she could begin the formal process of discerning her gifts for ministry.  It was a long process and Lee was not a young woman, but she went through it with remarkable good grace.  There was no hurdle she was not prepared to overcome, no task she was not prepared to undertake.  She simply wanted to know what was required of her – and then she went out and did it.  And throughout that whole long and difficult process, Lee was always grateful for the unswerving support of Denise.

And yet the process  was also a joy for her.  Lee was a person of depth, and seeking to move deeper spiritually was part of her being.  Whether it was working with her minister on a Lay Supervision Team, taking courses at Calling Lakes Centre and St. Andrew’s College or engaging in conversation with friends and colleagues, Lee was always looking for the spiritual depths in the ordinary things of life.  It was perhaps that deepening of spirit, especially in the crisis moments of life, that led Lee to chaplaincy. 

Lee had always been drawn to the care of the elderly and sick, and knew that about herself.  Being in her first Clinical Pastoral Education unit confirmed that for her. But she was also drawn to worship and preaching, to the disciplines of study and preparation that are a part of worship leadership.  Lee was still pondering what direction her ministry might take when the opportunity to fill in for the chaplain who was ill came along.  And because funding was uncertain, the chaplaincy was only able to offer Lee a three month appointment.  And then another three month appointment...and then another...How many of us would have been able to endure that kind of job uncertainty?  And endure it for years on end?   But Lee had found her ministry.  She loved the chaplaincy work, and the ministry she offered was deeply appreciated by the patients.  One of them said:

Lee was my Chaplain for nearly four years; first at RGH and then at Wascana.  She was a very faithful visitor who stayed a short time & always had a suitable short prayer to end our time together. In the midst of these 4 years, I had day surgery at RGH and was there just four hours.  I was so surprised to find Lee standing at my bedside that morning. She was on top of her job. I don't know how she knew I was there.

Since the news of Lee’s illness and then death became public, I have been approached by many people in many places who wanted to tell me of their experiences with Lee when they or a family member was ill, and how much the ministry she offered to them at that time meant to them.  My own mother was one of them, and so my family and I owe a personal debt of gratitude to Lee.

When Lee became the South Saskatchewan Hospital Chaplain, she set her dream of becoming a Designated Lay Minister aside.  It did not seem that continuing in the chaplaincy and being part of the DLM program would be compatible, and her call to the chaplaincy work was strong.  But losing that dream was not easy, and when the opportunity to have her studies assessed to see if she might be qualified to be recognized, Lee jumped right in with her usual determination and her usual “just tell me what I have to do and I’ll do it.”  She completed the process and was recognized as a Designated Lay Minister, and it was a joy to celebrate that with her last spring.

Doing the ministry to which she was called mattered deeply to Lee, but so did being recognized for it.  Being able to name herself as a minister of the United Church, and carrying visible signs of that were important to her.  Such deeply held convictions sometimes cause us to be in conflict with others, and Lee was no exception.  And so Lee’s life in ministry was not always easy and was on occasion quite painful, but she never faltered in her sense of purpose and in her sense of herself in ministry. 

Lee saw the United Church as a gift that she was blessed to receive, and it drew from her the gifts that were a blessing to so many that her ministry touched. It is with both gratitude and profound sadness that we bid her farewell today, and honour the ministry that she gave to all of us. 

Blessed be, Lee. 

Letter from Mary April 2, 2012

Hello Denise

I thought that you should know that Lee will be included in the Memorial Service to be held at the Canadian Association for Spiritual Care Conference in Sydney, NB later this month. Her name will be read out at the service as a personal honouring of her life within the Association. As well, she has been added to the Book of Remembrance - both the paper and electronic versions. The paper copy of the Book of Remembrance will be brought to the Conference for use in the Memorial Service. Lee's page in the electronic Book of Remembrance can be found at: http://www.spiritualcare.ca/mem/people/Tennyson.html

Hope this all makes sense....

I have fond memories of my time with Lee at the conference last year.  We had both arrived a day early, so spent the day together walking along the Danforth and arriving in Riverdale where both Lee and I had previously lived—Lee as a toddler, and me when I was a seminary student.  The house I lived in backed onto Withrow Park; the house Lee lived in fronted onto Withrow Park.  We sat on the front steps of “Lee’s house” looking over at the park, as Lee shared stories of her early childhood in Riverdale.  We then walked through the park, enjoying in particular the part where dogs are allowed to run off leash.  On our way back to the conference we stopped for culinary delights on the Danforth.  It was a glorious spring day…we had left behind work and the stresses of life, and just enjoyed the day together.  It is my favourite memory of Lee.

We in Spiritual Care are all thinking of you, and will especially remember you and Lee tomorrow, on Lee’s 68^th birthday.

Blessings and love, Mary

(Rev.) Mary Brubacher, Director of Spiritual Care

Regina Qu’Appelle Health Region

1440 – 14^th Avenue, Regina, SK S4P 0W5

Ph. 306-766-3569; Fax 306-766-3573

Where and what?

My dear Lee,

We can't find Mary's power washer. Do you know where it is? We have looked in every out building No luck. We are sure you know where it is!!! Can you send us a message ?

 I also cannot locate your 'robe' - the one you wore to the christening in January. By the way I received a card from the family and they sent some lovely pictures of you and the baby!! You all look gorgeous!

Did you send the garment to the dry cleaners? Louise and Lynda do not know where it is. No one at the hospitals know where it is. I wanted to pass it along to someone who would use it.

I found a small brass container in amongst your treasures.Its flat like a small compact. Inside it looks like dirt. Is that someone else's ashes? I do not have a clue.

Donna from the Tingey place came over this afternoon with a lovely gift of pictures taken at the service out on the lawn. Lovely pictures of our horses.

I just loaded up dozens and dozens of shoes that belonged to you. You must have collected them from Value Village. I swear I have never see any of them before. Your car was full of them! I think there is a pair for every work outfit you owned. I did not realise you liked shoes so much! Another secret.....!

I went through your day timer today. In the hospital you asked me to cancel appointments and commitments that you had made for the upcoming couple of months. Nothing is written on March 14. That was the day you died. I have all the dates you went to the doctor, got haircuts, had meetings with your volunteers. Your birthday is tomorrow. You will be 68. Should I be saying you would have been 68? I don't know.

I puttered a lot today. I run into evidence of you all over the place. You will never be erased from here. We got out the settee confessional chairs and they are ready for conversations. We will talk to you every day.

How to Make Your Own Pine Box

Several years ago I offered to use my skills to build several pine boxes for the Prairie Lily Funeral Cooperative which is trying to get off the ground through a membership drive. I was hired to design and build a suitable simple pine box cost effective for self directed funerals. Mary ended up buying one for herself and kept it for a couple of years then gave it back to me to use for Lee.

I had given the cooperative an idea on paper about me doing workshops with people who would want to make their own pine box. For a price and over a weekend people would learn carpentry skills, share meals, discuss their own mortality, do artwork on the box, possibly write their own obituary and perhaps plan their own service to celebrate their life. Lee was supposed to be an integral part of this weekend. Alas- she will be here in our hearts.

And so time has passed and now Lee's death has happened. Now there appears to be an interest in doing a workshop like this. Put some thought into it and let me know if you are interested. If anyone wants more information from me about self directed funerals let me know. I will walk you through the process that we did.

After the Service

When the service ended I really appreciated Marj being down on the main floor directly in front of me. It felt like she was talking to me directly. I loved it. Then it was time to go. I started down the aisle and I believe Sasha stepped on one of my spurs and I almost lost my balance. I grabbed people, hugged them and smiles a lot but I was holding up the line so moved along. Sasha told me she almost stepped on me 5 times and that I kept stopping and hugging people. Perhaps that's not the way things normally are done??!

Arrangements had been made ahead of time for Marj to take Lynda, Louise and I downstairs to a private room "to compose ourselves". I found I was just fine As a matter of fact PERFECTLY fine! The fear I had spoken earlier about me wanting to bolt, needing to get some air- did not come true. I simply greeted people as they came down to lunch. Hugs Hugs and more hugs. People were clearly moved by the service and they all commented on it. It could not have been better. I had seen the DVD tribute in advance and had done all my crying at that time. Now I could clearly see how it affected others. Lots of people came I would never have expected like cousin Pat and her husband Ernie. We all visited until after 5 I think then headed out to get on the horses for a photo shoot. We rode back to the trailers and got home for supper. It was a fantastic day. The evening was spent listening to stories mostly told by Nelson. Our Winnipeg friends Judy and Bev learned about our history and the joys of riding.

Denise with Jet and Lee's ashes in her saddlebags

Sunday morning we visited more as I opened up dozens of cards many with very personal notes and well wishes. I was deeply touched and the tears came. I read stories from people who were deeply touched by Lee's presence. I received photos from the family who had their daughter baptised by Lee just this past January. They were beautiful. What a nice surprise. People drifted home Sasha and Claire will stay 1 more day.I read the guest book with all the signed names of people who were at the service. WOW! I missed seeing so many so phoned several to touch base. The book Martha and Heather made was lovely absolutely lovely.

My Speech at Lee's Service

Lee’s health decline came hard and fast and it caught all of us off guard. Lee was surprised that people would take the time to wish her well and while people did that she always showed concern for them. Lee believed that living and dying was not just about the individual but it was about the whole circle of friends, family and colleagues. When we realised she was in for a rough ride we made a decision to approach the process with gratitude and celebration. So when Lee was told “You have cancer” on March 2 we were grateful Lee had no pain and she continued to be pain free. What she experienced was shortness of breath. A cocktail of oxygen and drugs was the answer. Lee immediately mourned the loss of her working life, the cancellation of a U of St. Andrews masters level course, colleagues and cherished volunteers. She loved learning and she loved challenges and she loved relationships. Our 8 circle the wagons treasured friends stepped forward and agreed to walk through this whole experience with us. We could not have done it without you. And Lee loved to laugh at herself.

Lee had some secrets. About a week before she died I helped her settle into her big easy boy chair and asked if she wanted anything else. She said “I’d like a rum and coke” I didn’t think I heard her right. I said OK. I sent out an email to my circle and some neighbours and in short order Dan Dennis showed up fresh off the plane from Cuba with a 26 of rum and a case of Pepsi under his armpit. When I asked Lee later why I didn’t know she liked rum she reminded me that 20 years ago I made it quite clear to her I had no intention of being involved with an alcoholic as I had been there done that.  On the Saturday after she died a group of friends gathered at our home and I told this story. Her sisters piped up with more info. While Lee stayed in Regina during the week with them she enjoyed a rum and coke every night!!

I remember the day I came home with Mom and 2 sheep in Lee’s van one a black faced Suffolk and the other a Cheviot. I wanted to name them Diana and Fergie as I saw a resemblance. Lee wanted to name them Hey you and You too. We had to settle this. Lee always claimed she hated bread pudding. I figured she just had never eaten really good pudding like my Mom would make. I told her if she could eat bread pudding she could name them her names. Well she couldn’t swallow one bite. l

Lee did not have any kids of her own so took Sasha , Marisa and Claire under her wing. Lee’s downfall with this was that she could never understand Why? When it came to kids. Why did Marisa put silly putty in her armpit ? Why did Claire lock Marisa in the rabbit cage and then forget her there only to be rescued an hour later because Lee heard her screaming Get me out of here! As a parent I know there is often no suitable explanation for why. Lee never got that there’s no point even trying to figure it all out.

Lee was capable of swearing like a trooper especially when frustrated in the barn yard. I often heard her up at the house taking the Lords name in vein. She would get herself deep into trouble because she often bit too much off like replacing the hydraulic cylinders on the tractor, overestimated time like how long it would take to round up uncooperative sheep. Yet she had no end of patience when she did her chaplaincy work or re building her saddle. Her horseback riding provided a good balance for Lee with her work and I know she always felt close to her God when riding.

So now that I’ve shared some secrets let’s celebrate Lee’s life.

March 31 The day Of Lee's Service

Today could not have been any better. The weather was fantastic shirtsleeve warm. The plan was to halter the horses at 11 am, tack up at 12 noon, eat lunch and load and pull out of the yard at 1pm and we pretty much stuck to that plan. Sister Debra and brother in law Alfred arrived about the same time as Mom and Dad. The morning was quite relaxed except for me hounding Claire to get her boots on rather than her flip flops.

Jet and Spinner rode in our trailer and I drove Mary's new old truck in the lead. Mary followed in her new truck with her old trailer and Neveah and Fancy. We headed down highway 54 over highway 11 and down the trestle road, across the beautiful Qu 'Appelle Valley. We parked at the museum  and unloaded the fully tacked out horses. Mary had agreed to follow me but was a bit alarmed when we crossed the main highway as she didn't realize the plan was to go THROUGH the valley. She just stuck to the plan of follow the leader.

I was watching myself for any signs of emotion, tears what not and nothing came. Debra and I strapped on the saddle bags with Lee's ashes. At 1:40 we mounted up and we rode the short distance to the church. Once again no tears rising just simple joy. The weather, my kids and sister and a ride. What joy. Because the path was along a rather busy road it was important to be in the moment seriously. We had high powered horses that wanted to GO. Mary and Iris stood guard at the intersection so we could cross safely and ride up through cars and people to the lawn of the church. I started to see people I know and I smiled and greeted them and I was fine! They were teary and I was fine! It was sooo good to see them all.

Denise and Sasha

Neveah and Fancy

Claire and Fancy

Fancy with Claire, Sasha on Nevaeh and Denise on Jet

Tying up to trees was a bit of a production but accomplished in short order. I took the saddle bags and carried them to the church though a crowd and hugged people along the way. I smiled and greeted and loved the experience. Every once in a while I checked myself. Was I holding back? Where were the tears? Isn't this a sad day? Well I experienced joy like never before Really. I surprised myself. My circle the wagons friends were there. Wolfgang and Sandi and Marj Kent the minister in her fine robe with Lee's gifted stole. The larger family group stayed outside and Marj led us with a prayer and we followed her into the church with the choir singing How Great Thou Art. I was so delighted to see familiar faces. Barb and Lynne from Saskatoon, Brian and Marion Tudor at the door. I followed Marj and kept hugging people on the way in. I did choke up a bit as I placed Lee's saddle bags with her ashes on the beautiful table that held her pocket knife, 2 photos of her, her chinks and chaps, Bible and her pocket watch. I paused then sat down.

The service was awesome. I felt a moment of anxiousness immediately before I was called to speak. I mustered what I needed to do it and I did it. When I came to the part about Lee drinking rum, I realised when I said the word 'alcoholic' that my ex husband Wolfgang was sitting right in front of me! I blurted out that I wasn't  referring to him! Later after supper I asked him what he was thinking when I mentioned his name. He said " Well I knew it wasn't me who was the alcoholic!" which certainly was true.