January 8, 2012 Hadley Babey's Baptizm

Lee baptized Hadley Babey just this past January 8, 2012. She so enjoyed the day. She looks so good and healthy. Who would have guessed in just over 2 months she would be gone. This new baby is just starting her life. Lee loved church ritual and this was an important day for her. She made the service relevant and special for the whole family. Thanks for the photo Donna Ford

May 30, 2012 Vultures

I got a package in the mail the other day from Remco Memorials. They make headstones and the like. My immediate reaction to receiving this propaganda was I was insulted. I imagined they got my name from somewhere. Perhaps deaths are public knowledge through a list at vital statistics or they cruised the obits. At any rate they got my name and address and included a personalised letter.

After my initial response I ignored reading the materials for a while then sat down and took a closer look. I think things have changed over the years and there certainly are lots more options than the basic stones. It got me thinking. When people die and are buried in a casket they do normally mark the site with a stone. When people are cremated and interred in the cemetery they might do the same thing. When ashes are scattered do people place a marker anywhere? Is it tradition or is it just a need? What does it all mean- to have or not have a marker? If I were to have a marker what would it be? When I die do I want a marker? Do we need to visit the spot? The stones certainly provide some history and they are a reminder of birth and death dates.

Lee did not tell me what she wanted other than to be 'mostly buried' on our land. I'll continue to ponder ....

May 30, 2012 Back on the Shelf

I have been using Lee's spot on the bed for all my bed time reading materials. Western Horseman magazines and my grief books. Tonight I am putting the grief books on the book shelf across the room. If I want one again I will get up and get it. In the meantime I am going to read about horses and see how that goes.

The latest big fear I have is that if I quit thinking about Lee my memory may fail me and I will forget her.  At the church on the day of Lee's service I feared I would have a panic attack yet when I stayed in the moment I did not. I am guessing if I continue to stay in the moment I will keep memories alive when I want to retrieve them. I have lots of cues, letters and cards I could read that have her words. Perhaps that is the answer. I need to give myself a break.

May 29, 2012 Gail Caldwell

Gail Caldwell wrote a book called 'Let's Take the Long Way Home- a memoir of friendship. She won the Pulitzer Prize for this book. I was given this book by a friend whose partner died several years ago. She must have known this book would have been helpful to me.

Gail writes "I know that we never get over great losses; we absorb them, and they carve us into different, often kinder, creatures. Sometimes I think that the pain is what yields the solution. Grief and memory create their own narrative."

I want to remember so much about Lee and I expect I will. I struggle with the almost constant thoughts about her. If I let them (the thoughts) go will I forget about her? Where is the balance that I seek in my life now? How can I move on when these thoughts are so strong? If I stop these thoughts, does this mean I am being disloyal? Loyalty is an important value I hold.

Unless one has had a baby themselves it is hard to imagine the birth experience. Same thing with the death of a partner. Many people have admitted to me that they do not know what it is like for me and several have told me they do not know what they will do when their partner dies. Well. I KNOW people have been dying for years and the suvivors move on and so will we all. As an experiment see how long you can go without any contact with your partner- no email, no texting, not seeing, not touching. no phoning.....at least think about it.Then get together and talk about it. I bet you will speak words of great appreciation.

May 27 Love Liberates

I was watching Oprahs show tonight and Maya Angelou was on Masters Class. She told a story of her taking her dying mother home with her where she provided for her care.

"I am grateful to have been loved and to be loved now and to be able to love, because that liberates. Love liberates. It doesn't just hold—that's ego. Love liberates. It doesn't bind. Love says, 'I love you. I love you if you're in China. I love you if you're across town. I love you if you're in Harlem. I love you. I would like to be near you. I'd like to have your arms around me. I'd like to hear your voice in my ear. But that's not possible now, so I love you. Go.'" — Dr. Maya Angelou

She went onto say "I loved you".  Not "I love you" but rather "I loved you". This is something I have not yet said. I loved Lee. Past tense.

Well I sure did love Lee. We laughed when we thought about it. I remember writing Lee a list of 10 ways I felt her love. One way that I particularly remember was "I feel loved when I come home from work and find a hunk of frozen meat on the counter!" This meant she at least thought about supper and she relieved me of that task. I still went ahead and cooked a meal with that hunk of meat but she had made the decision what to have for supper. And that was BIG for me. That was love.

We also said 'Good morning" and "good night" to each other every day without exception when we woke up together and when we went to bed. Those words were like cement for our relationship. They sandwiched the day. Anything that happened between "G"Mornin' and 'G'Night" was all manageable and everything was AOK with the world.

We showed our love in practical ways. We simply had a great appreciation for each other. I knew Lee moved slower than I did (some people would say everyone moves slower than I do) so I would walk to get the horses, haul saddles, tack horses and generally get things ready so all Lee would have to do was get on and ride. I  never resented this. I loved to do it for her. The payoff was enjoying her company when we rode together. Always a pleasure.

When I drove back from Regina today during a rain with windshield wipers going full blast I had an emotional few moments. My vision was momentarily blurred by tears but somehow with the wipers and the rain flying off the windshield, it didn't seem to matter. I don't have words for what I was thinking and the feeling that came up but it did then it passed. I had just finished watching the movie THE BEST EXOTIC MARIGOLD HOTEL . I really enjoyed it and highly recommend it. It's a love story with eccentric mature characters. Everyone in the movie discovers that love liberates. It is quite delightful. This is the first movie theatre movie I went to alone without Lee. She would have enjoyed the movie and we would have talked about it on the way home

Yes I loved Lee. I loved her a lot. I loved her enough to let her go when I pressed my lips to her left ear and I told her to go through those pasture gates..... I still feel her love........

Hanging on and./or moving On May 22,2012

I have a collection of all  the cards and letters Lee has written to me over the past 20 some years. I have them saved in a drawer along with all the sympathy cards people have sent to me. I have other mementos that feel like small treasures and I want to keep them. I have read some of the old letters and cards a while back and many made me smile but many had me feeling so sad. I have a choice whether or not to read them. I don't want to purposefully create sadness just for the sake of wallowing. I will wait for a day in the future when the sadness will be less and the memories will be happy.

I wonder how I will be when I ride again at our favourite riding spots like Saskatchewan Landing and East Grasslands. I had wondered if I would ever find joy again riding alone and I did. So perhaps it will be just fine. I have found that when I speak my fears they go away.

How do I hang on to the memories and move on at the same time?  I suppose one step at a time...

The dvd with the committment ceremony, the March 31 service and the tribute to Lee has been completed and is in the mail to me. If anyone wants a copy please email me and I'll send you one. I did this to remember and honor her and to share with people who could not attend the service.

May 23 Lesbian Widows Invisible Grief

I took a book out of the bereavement centre's library called Lesbian Widows. This book is basically the result of a research project after the author Vicky Whipple lost her long time partner.She realised no books had been written to help her out so she guessed there was a need for others.  Its about young American women. I am finding it helpful . At least the language skips the "he" and "him" references" and the stories sound familiar. I am 62 so mid aged I would say rather than young and not American. As a Canadian I have many more privileges I think like we filed out income tax jointly for years and I received OAS benefits from Lee. There are many very sad stories in this book of relationships that have not been accepted by families. We once again were accepted by both of our families and for that I will always be grateful. I am so lucky.

Halfway through the book I read: "No matter how much support she receives initially, in the end a widow must still deal with her grief alone.She is the one left with lonely nights, the one who does not have someone to come home to, the one who must build a future without a partner."  This is a sobering and true statement for me at this time. I think this is why I am going to the counselling sessions. I want to seek equilibrium again- balance. The scales have been tipping up and down and I want some level ground. It's personal work and something I can work on and do with an hour of dedicated listening from trained ears. Don't get me wrong. All the support I have received from friends with visits and phone calls have been very much appreciated. The session will be a mini marathon of emotion and I will not have to 'worry' about the listeners feelings.  Sometimes when talking to friends I  stop myself because the other person is 'having their moment' and it interferes with my selfish self. I expect I will get past that to more comfortable reciprocal conversations. Its all personal and we all do it in our own way and this will be my way. When you go through this you will do it your way and I will support you as I know how.

I had a flash today- a memory of Lee saying to me at one point during her last 10 days "Thank you". Just 2 words. Thank you. I think I brushed her off probably saying "Oh its nothing or Oh that's OK". I regret not taking her hand, looking deep into her eyes with a big smile and saying " You are most welcome. I would not have it any other way and I love you now more than ever."

At another point on another day I distinctly remember her saying to me "I am soooo sorry...."  I think she was referring to the whole situation. I think she was sorry I had to go through this with her when it was not 'the plan'. The plan was that she would work another 3 years then retire. So much for plans. I do remember saying to her "I am so sorry too" and I held her and we cried.

I have made balance a priority in my life and I prefer to stay close to centre. Think of a teeter totter. I am close to the middle not way off at either end. I spent a few days doing fairly hard physical work in the garden and today it rained so I hunkered down and coasted in a big easy chair. In some ways it is getting easier. I look forward to some harder stuff tomorrow.

May 21 Division of Labor

Lee and I had the 'division of labor' worked out pretty good. I always counted on her to bring groceries home Friday night. I chuckle now as I remember the times she parked at the garage and was greeted by the dogs before she ever paid attention to me! Yesterday I took my seniors and we went on a grocery run and also to a nursery where I picked up a shrub that blooms pink and one that has yellow leaves.

from the south end looking more or less north

The garden was mostly my domain as I used it to unwind when I came home from work during the 90's. Lee would find me out there and sit down and admire it all. Today I finished resurrecting the irrigation system and I have it broken into 3 zones.

from the north end looking south



I so enjoy it. I love the tired achy muscles. I love the dirt on my hands and soon bare feet. Simple pleasures.

The irrigation system will be a real time saver- less weeding because the alley ways will be dry and not conducive to weed growth. There ought to be less roto tilling too. That means more time to sit and watch the garden grow. Mary is an avid gardener so it's great to have someone else to share all of this with.

Lee would of course do all the dry wall repairs. If she were here now she would see a lot to do in the kitchen. I would rather ignore it all as the new cupboards/pantry will cover it all up. She would however insist on making things right.

Lee was the fencer and tractor mechanic. She was great at McGivering. I did however if any job had nails, screws and boards insist she then leave it to me. That was my expertise.

I looked after finances and she more or less simply didn't care to know anything. I insisted she be informed even if she decided she didn't understand. I wanted her to know where we stood money wise if anything should happen to me. If the situation were reversed and I had died, I think Lee would be in deep shit. I understood our finances. She simply chose not to and claimed math was not her thing. She did however understand numbers because she kept track at work on how many patients she visited. and she tracked her expenses. Hummm interesting....

And Lee groomed the dogs and picked off wood ticks. Thankfully Iris and Mary both have pulled many off even if they appear squeemish.

So to handle the whole load now I have many choices. I can simply ignore things, postpone things, let things go, take things slower, ask for help, be more patient, take more time or like the last few days work hard and feel tired which I love. I ask people their opinions and consider what they have to say. Then I make decisions that Lee and I normally would hash out. Its different. I miss Lee. I think about her as often as a teen boy might think about sex. And thats pretty much all the time. Most of my thinking is simply good healthy thoughts.

May 20, 2012 Marisa Turns 20!

Today is Marisa's birthday! 20 years ago today my daughter Sasha had a daughter. I was so excited I ran out and bought a play pen to use as a portable crib and I took photos of the new babe, had them printed immediately. Somehow a grandmother party was organized and I remember someone gave me denture cleaner as a gift. By the way, I still don't have/need dentures.

I had a great talk with Marisa tonight. I hadn't talked to her for a long time. She was unable to come and see Lee when she was sick and she also could not come to the funeral. I told Marisa some things that Lee would have wanted her to know and we both cried. I am so glad I talked to her. I reminded her that this was her home and she could come here any time. I have always been committed to providing a stable spot for my kids.

What a relief to talk to her....

May 19, 2012 May long Weekend

Lee and I would spend long weekends at home so we were able to give staff that time off. We would split our time between farm chores and senior sitting. We would plan to get quite a bit done so the rest of the 2 day weekends could be devoted to riding. Now a new normal is in the works.

Gardening is a joy for me especially when I get it set up so the work is manageable. I have resurrected the drip irrigation system I made years ago and this will help with watering. I won't be watering the alley ways and that means weeds will not be encouraged to grow. AND that also means less roto tilling. We should be able to sit and watch it grow. Mary and Iris will share the joy and work so this is good.

I have been consciously making things easy on myself with no long list of things to do, allowing more time to do things, not getting my shirt in a knot about anything. I like to putter and do odd jobs. Today I took my seniors on a car ride to the beach where I picked up a few plumbing supplies. I am so glad I have the skills I do because it would be so much more challenging to do anything around here without them.

Last night I printed off my entire blog and put the pages in plastic sleeves in a binder. I will take it with me when I go to the bereavement centre so I can refer to the time lines. I am sure reading over the diary will trigger  emotions.Although we led our lives with no regrets I do have regrets when I think about it. Same thing with anger. I always believed when I felt anger brewing in me I knew there was something beneath it and I searched that out. Yet when I think about it I could make an 'angry' list. Wednesday's session will be interesting.

I am so looking forward to regular counselling sessions. I know they will be work and it could be a roller coaster but I am game. I really appreciate being able to talk to someone and not have to be concerned about them as their job would be to listen to me. There is a set amount of time and its devoted to me and I know I will benefit from the experience. When friends call and check in with me sometimes it is not convenient for me to have a deep conversation with meaning.  The counselling sessions will be good.....

It's good to talk to Strangers

It's good for me to talk to strangers. I often talk to people standing in line at a grocery store. I like to entertain kids that are crabby and I make faces at them and talk to them. I enjoy talking to strangers. Today I talked to a stranger- Dave at the Regina Bereavement Centre. He was a stranger for an hour or so and next time I see him he will be a friend.

I was afraid today I would be judged for being who I am- sexuality and spirituality. I need not have been concerned. I was totally accepted . Even though I got the idea from the 'propanda' of the centre that they were all inclusive I had to find out for myself. This is good to know because I could just let go.

The session was all in the moment. I choked up and cried and blubbered my way through whatever came to mind. Nothing in any particular order. I was surprised I could talk about some things with no tears very easily yet other things I turned into a fountain. No rhyme nor reason. And that's the way it goes.

I was assured by Dave that mourning is completely individual and there are no time lines. All of his words were reassuring and helpful.

I want to contact my circle the wagon core group and ask them about getting together to bury the bulk of Lee's ashes at her request. Louise and Lynda had at one time suggested in with Jazz our wonderful dog at the end of the driveway. Mary had thought of Tennyson alley or woodpecker alley out back in the middle of our quarter. Lee had told Mary she wanted most of her ashes burried on our land and I could drop some ashes off on some horseback rides at our favorite spots. I am wondering about viewing the new dvd thats now complete with our committment ceremony plus the March 31 service together. It may be too much for people and you may want to watch it privately. There is a lot of snuffling and nose blowing in the recording. I think supper would be great too. I saw a whole lot of flowering trees and shrubs today I am wondering about planting a pink one on Lee's grave. Let me know what you think....

How to Go on Living When Someone you Love Dies

I got a new book in the mail today with this title. I have been reading sections of it throughout the day in my 'spare' time and I am finding it very detailed and useful. The off putting part is some of the language He he he he he references. I tire of that and feel agitated when I read it. I will take some deep breathes next time I pick up the book. I did read one part where it said the emotional connections I had with Lee will need to be replaced. In other words I liked to share. I need to share. Sharing is important to me so I will continue to do that. I so miss sharing with Lee.

I suppose this blog is an example. I started this blog as personal therapy in the middle of the nights when I could not go back to sleep as I listened to the oxygen concentrator hum and Lee breathe. Then I shared with the 8 Circle the Wagon friends. And then people asked for more info so I cut and pasted emails and finally shared with everyone and anyone. I naively realised I came out for us in the obituary where I shared that information of the significance of our relationship. Then at the service if folks didn't know by then they were blind or more naive than me. I feel a tremendous sense of liberation and freedom having shared that info. It's all out there.

I really appreciated Lee's realness. I loved that she shared that with me and it gave me permission to be me through and through unapologetically 'warts and all' as I used to say.

I got the dvd today that includes the commitment blessing ceremony and the service March 31. I watched part of it. I'd rather watch it with friends and share that experience. If anyone wants to borrow or have a copy of it let me know.

I found parts of the blessing ceremony difficult to watch as Lee struggled to speak. She hardly had enough breathe for herself let alone speak. I so miss her voice. Does anyone out there have her voice recorded anywhere?! I struggle with my memory trying to HEAR her voice.

I am going to the Greystone Bereavement centre in Regina tomorrow to talk to a counsellor. Its all part of the process. I don't want any assumptions made about me like I'm straight and Christian... we will see how he handles me!

It's been 2 months...

My dear Lee,

It has been 2 months tonight since you died. I'll stay up until 11:30 (the exact time of your death) and then go to sleep. I just re read the diary I kept during your last days. Parts of it felt like torture to read yet other parts felt like salve. Soothing.

I don't know how I did it all during your last days. I suspect naivety was key. I had never done anything like this before. Just put my head down and plodded onwards. I remember people making comments claiming they couldn't do what I was doing. I think we can all do what I did- when the time is right we do find the strength. I think we short change ourselves with limited thinking.

I plan to go to the bereavement center in Regina Thursday afternoon between 2 meetings. I"d like to talk to others who may share what I have felt. I wonder how others cope. I ordered and received today several books on grieving. I listened to CBC on Sunday when they interviewed people 1 year later after the Slave Lake community fire. They were mourning yet there was no loss of life. They still felt a pain some had a hard time to bear. I really felt for them.

I want to ask the bereavement center folks about the process of accepting a death as real. Even though I had the evidence of your death I cannot beleive it. How will I change my thinking? If we could talk you would tell me what to do.

I am anxious to get the new dvd with the committment ceremony on it. Hopefully I will hear your voice. I so miss it and I cannot hear it in my memory. That saddens me deeply.

Love you. G night babe

Renewal Time of Year

Dear Lee,

This is renewal time of the year and the list of things to do is always the longest in the spring. Its just started to really warm up so I dare not say summer is here. But I have started in the garden. I attached Mary's cultivator that she normally used on her little grey Ford to our big John Deere and ran around the garden for an hour or so and it did a pretty good job. Then I rototilled. I LOVE the rototiller we got last year. Mary and I planted oodles of potatoes. The rest of the garden will get filled in this week with the tender plants a bit later.

I woke up at 6 and headed straight for the garden to till yesterday. I went to Wynyard at about 10 for Mother's Day and wore my work clothes to surprise Mom and Dad. I fully expected to work in the yard at home but nothing needed to be done. I took Mom to a greenhouse and we bought her bedding plants and I picked up a Norland apple tree. It took some McGivering to get a 7' tall tree into the van but we did it. Brother Scott cooked us supper on the bbq . Dad gave me an extra big hug and squeeze when I left for home. I remember I used to drive to Wynyard from Winnipeg during the early 70's with Sasha as a baby because I was terribly homesick. I'd surprise them every time and when I found out they were thrilled I have kept doing that. Mom said she wasn't surprised but then Mother's know everything and she has a great intuition.

I had time to share the news with them that I'd like to re do the kitchen. While I was gone my worker pulled out all the stuff from the cupboards and set it up in the porch on long tables. I'll go through it all and sell some at a up coming garage sale Mary plans to have. So I will re do it. Just haven't settled the final details. I can leave money in an investment and earn a paltry interest rate or put some into the kitchen and enjoy that forever.

I had many emotional moments over these past few days. They came up at odd times like driving down the road. My thoughts triggered them and I teared up. Mostly yesterday I was so grateful I still have my parents and they are doing so well. As a matter of fact Dad shoved a ripped out newspaper ad at me for a 21 day cruise trip from Vancouver through the Panama canal up to Fort Lauderdale. He asked if I would go with them. My first reaction was  that I cannot be away for that long. Maybe I need to re think that. I certainly admire their gumption at almost 92 and 87 this year.

I had dream....

Dear Lee,

I had a dream about you last night! First time since your death. I observed myself busy working down on my one knee doing something on the ground. I looked up and there you were across the way walking towards me. It lasted only a brief time. You didn't speak you were just walking towards me. I saw myself break into a BIG smile and I felt my heart skip a beat. It was like an out of body experience in that I saw "the scene". Now recalling this I conjure up that feeling again. Now my heart is feeling full and big with a touch of sadness as I tear up.

I had wondered when I'd dream about you. I looked forward to it. I was kind of looking forward to an erotic dream!  I often did dream about us both and I'd wake up talking away to you about some brilliant idea I had come up with. You'd be so drowsy and out of it I had to slow down until you had a coffee.
Anytime I had a problem to work out about how to do this or that, I would often wake up with a plan. Still do.

You were so close yet so far away to me in that dream....I am so glad I remembered it as I often don't remember my dreams (or perhaps they are not worth remembering)

This dream I will cherish.

Another knife

Dear Lee,

Found another knife today. So that must make about 13 you had. It was in one of your many jackets that you had stuffed into a crack early last winter in the porch. Supposedly to keep the drafts out? Well I cleaned up the porch today and pulled the jacket down to find a sparrows nest behind it and another jack knife in one of your pockets.Another pull on the heart strings. I am still looking to find something that smells of you. I am sorry I was so up to date on our laundry.

Louise and Lynda came for a visit today. That was VERY nice. I surprised them with some plans on paper for re doing the kitchen. New cabinets- a complete change. Will be a good project for me and great entertainment for the seniors.Its been on our list of things to do but it never made it to the top. I think its time now. Will be a good investment. We always talked about money and projects together. We agreed that anything over $100 we needed to talk to each other first. That worked well.

I so miss talking to you. I told Louise and Lynda today that I thought I'd gotten over the worst but now I don't know. For quite a while I simply could not believe you had died. Even though there was significant evidence that you DID die. Then I came around to beleiving it. Then I don't know what happened- I am back to not beleiving it. I don't know what to make of this. I settled the land titles change yesterday when I got the official death certificate from Vital Statistics. Cost me a grand total of $12.50. That was a tough moment opening the envelope and seeing that offical looking paper like a certificate.

I want to go to the Bereavement center and meet some people there and talk about this. I suppose its all normal. I'd like to talk to you about it! You dealt with this all the time with other people. In the meatime what works best is being in the here and now.

G night babe- we ALWAYS made a point of saying good night to each other. I miss that too

Hey Lee I am back home....

Hey Lee! I 'm home!

And you're not here in person so I can tell you all about my trip. I have talked to several friends and family members but its not the same as talking to you. Oh do I ever miss that. That hollow space is so hard to describe. I had a great time on my own. I didn't get lost even though I forgot the GPS in my van in Winnipeg. I was both driver and navigator where you and I used to take turns. I found an incredible leather shop where you would have wanted to spend all day. I know you would have enjoyed the lobster and seafood chowder. It was the weirdest feeling enjoying myself then becoming aware I had no one to share the moment with other than strangers if inclined.

I had conversations with many people and remarks were often made about me travelling alone. Some appeared surprised. On occasion I would tell people my partner died in March and I am taking a break. On the return flight a man commented on my Aussie riding jacket and I said I probably smell like a horse as I had ridden the day before on a beach north of Cheticamp. He remarked he had just been in Cheticamp to attend his mother's funeral. Its a small world at times like this. The I told him about my loss. We had mourning in common. And we both teared up and understood  the pain of loss.

How do I learn to live without that now? I miss the sharing. I used to surprise you often with little things like heart notes in your bags you took to work. I'd flip ahead in your day timer and randomly place I love you notes. It was both a surprise to you to find them and a surprise to me when you told me about the find as I had long forgotten I had placed notes several months ago. You were so naive about so many things. I could arrange all sorts of surprises right under your nose and you'd never catch on! This is such a big loss for me- the sharing. I am unsure how to deal with it now that I have acknowldged it. Perhaps this is the start.

I enjoy sharing and always have so will continue to do that with friends and family.

But I sure do miss the sharing with you

Love you babe

May 2 and 3, 2012

I headed up the west coast of Cape Breton (now for Mary that would be the left side) and enjoyed the country and seaside. It was sunny and bright and very little wind.I arrived at around noon at Cheticamp where I met Louis at Little Pond Stables. His wife Helena would be back at around 3 or later (as you know women like to shop). I wanted to book a horse back ride on the beach! Louis sent me up the road on the Cabot Trail and suggested I go on the Skyline Trail. After a great lunch of fresh pan fried halibut and all of the trimmings I headed to the trail head. I wanted to calculate the timing so I'd arrive back at 3. Well it was an almost 5 mile walk through some incredible trails. I wish I had a horse. At the furthest point I saw the ocean and the skyline was fantastic.I met several other groups of people and then avoided them. I stopped when out of breathe and took everything in. At some point I gave up on pressuring myself to get back by 3. As it was I arrived a the ranch at 4 and Helena arrived 5 minutes later!

She told me there would be a ride at 9 am next day so I asked her to suggest a place to spend the night. Outfitters B and B Veronica made me welcome. Supper of scallops and home-made fries.

Great B and B, nice visits with a discussion of Cape Breton's palliative care system NONE at home. Veronica at worked at the 'senior home'.She said family looks after Mom and Dad until they need a hospital. We are so lucky in the Regina Qu'Appelle Health District. Once again I count my blessings.

Today was overcast and windy but still OK in my books. The other riders were a young Ontario couple  on a holiday. Very very nice. I was given a nice older horse with an attitude that I could handle. Practised in the pen for a bit then headed out across the pavement into the woods (bush). Spruce trees and birch and other deciduous trees I was not familiar with. The ride was over 1 1/2 hours. Came out of the woods and ended up riding along the wind swept beach heading north. Horses were amazing. Great in the howling wind. I was dressed very well but was still cold. The surf was pounding and Helena said they take the horses into it on hot days.Back into more woods on different trails, down to a brook and pond (creek and slough). Posed for pictures and really enjoyed myself. Back at the stable I helped untack then was  surprised with an invitation to a lunch of lobster and tea! WOW. Louis had come home the day before with 3 lobsters. They had cooked them up and now eat them cold. What a treat. I bid farewell and headed back around the Cabot Trail. Fabulous trip mostly between 30 and 50 kph. Stopped several times to take in the views. Visited a leather works shop with fabulous works of art plus many clever functional pieces. I treated myself to a 'riding purse'- something I expect I will learn to duplicate.

At yesterday's lunch a patron overheard me asking for seafood chowder. I announced I had come all the way from Saskatchewan to haver some. They were out so I had the halibut. This woman in the next booth stopped to talk to me on her way out and suggested I stop in at Charlene's Bayside Restaurant to get the best seafood chowder in the world. The oner had been on the Food Network. So round the corner I came and there it was! I walked out with a litre jar of it with 3 mile high biscuits to contribute to Nelda and Terry's lobster supper. Lobster twice in 1 day. What a holiday!

So I did the entire Cabot Trail around the outside of Cape Breton with the exception of the centre east west road . Well worth it. Back at home we fought off the cats and had a great seafood supper.

May 1 Antigonish

Well I made it to Halifax. Nelda just about had her car towed as she didn't take the NO PARKING sign seriously when she came to pick me up! They don't like unattended vehicles parked at airports perhaps because of bomb threats? Nelda is fairly harmless and her smile charmed the security guy. We drove the scenic route south to Halifax then more south (Antigonish is north) along the eastern coast on a very twisty turney road. Beautiful countryside. Saskatchewan aspens have leafed out and here I estimate they are behind perhaps 2 weeks.Stopped in Halifax at Pete's Fruitique and had lunch and free fruit samples from Nelda's son who works there. Spent the night at one of Nelda's friends then headed up to Antigonish this morning. Nelda had a client this afternoon so I borrowed her car and drove to a nearby stable. I groomed a dirty horse and hung out for a couple hours. Didn't take a ride as they were busy and mostly English hunter jumper. Their horses were blanketed as the show season starts soon.

Spent some time in down town Antigonish. Lots of charming little shops and Xavier University. Enjoying the slow pace.