September 23 Tribute Ride to You Lee

Dear Lee.

Well you would have enjoyed today. The weather was your favourite. Fall with amazing colours, warmish, very little wind and not a cloud in the sky. Your perfect day. Eleven hardcore day long riders met at Margaret and Nelson's. We left the yard at 10:30 am and headed across Johnnies pasture. Now how many times do you think we did that?! And we never tired of it. It was different every time we rode. Different weather, different colours. How could anyone say this is boring?

You so love this land Lee. It was a perfect day and although you were not riding with us in person you were certainly talked about (mostly funny stories) and we remembered we all rode together last year at this time. Who would have ever imagined that you would up and die on us? Who would have imagined......?

Pee stopping place

Your death has made a big impact on so many people. People have changed as a result of your death. People have re written wills, updated affairs, said I love yous more.....many things. Your death was a big jolt to many.

I digress.... we rode over through the small creek beside the big trees where we'd often have lunch. We would lie down and have a nap. That was what was missing today! A noon nap! We rode all the way to the far east end then down to the lake which has receded more than ever. The waters edge is wayyyyyy out there. At some point we had to crash through the bush to get back on some high ground. Nelson rode down into a VERY thick area and then yelled "There's a tree down" so many of us turned around and rode way around to the other side. Margaret, Nelson and Alex pushed on through and we met them later. We headed for the Valeport picnic grounds and had our lunch there. How many times did we cross that wooden bridge?

I asked Nelson if he'd like to spread some of your ashes so he did that with Margaret and me as witness. It was lovely. I ran my fingers through your ashes and we talked about how our lives can be reduced to ash. It really is unreal. There is such a disconnect for me between your ashes and you as the person I knew and loved for more than 20 years. Oh my....




Nelson spreading some of your ashes

A complete stranger was fascinated by our group of riders so started to take pictures. I gave him my camera and he took some shots. It is challenging getting 11 horses lined up. This is the best shot.

11 riders on a great day

We went to water the horses at the beach and stopped pretty quick as Bert's horse sunk and almost went out of sight. Fell into a hole or channel or some strange thing! Bert rode it out but his horse was down on its knees in an attempt to get out of the water. I wish I had a movie of that. He handled it very well.

After lunch we wound our way west and back across the usual creek crossing. You would not believe it now! The beavers have done some major daming and the 15' crossing is now at least twice that. And deep. Bud went across first then me. So that meant a tall horse and a short horse made it so the others followed. Muddy slough water came up close to their under bellies.We made it to the yard at 10 to 4 and untacked. The horses were a mess with mud and sweat. Of course they promply rolled at first opportunity.

We had a great supper of hot dogs roasted over a campfire, cowboy beans, coleslaw and Iris Strong brought home made perogies as a surprise. Heavenly squares and cookies appeared out of no where. So this is the time of the evening where we told stories about you! You so easily laughed at yourself and you never tired hearing these stories. And we never tire  telling them.

And so marks another occassion where we acknoweldge your contribution to this world and to all of our lives. You touched so many and continue to have an affect. Your life will always be noticed.

If there are horses in your heaven may you ride like we did today- long and hard and with good friends.
Peace to you always  xoDenise

Going Home

On Monday morning Patricia met us for breakfast at Carol's favourite coffee shop. We got all caught up on the news and then headed for the beach where she performed a little ceremony for us. It was all quite lovely. The six month mark was meant for me to be a turning point. I am moving on with my life alone for the time being. Its the end of a chapter with many many memories. As with any widow we have lost the love of our life but there can be room for more and something else. I remain optimistic and open to the rest of my life.

Today I am getting food ready for the supper on Sunday which will follow the tribute ride for Lee. I am not sure how many will come but it will be perfect however it works out. Lee will be there in spirit. And speaking of spirits I hear there will be a rum toast to Lee. Lee has ridden this land many times and I know she will be with us in our hearts. Even this past weekend- she was with me and I am sure she wants me to get on with my life as I would have done the same for her. I wish me well.

September 16, 2012

Woke up this morning, grabbed some fruit then walked to Stanley Park. I wanted to take a ride on the wagon pulled by draft horses through the park. While waiting I noticed a barefoot woman carrying a dashing pair of lovely red western boots in her arm pit. When she went over to her partner on a picnic table I realised they might be taking the Olivia cruise. Sure enough. We exchanged greetings and eventually stories and I ended up with their invitation to visit them while in San Francisco and encouragement once again to remain open to this meeting at the docks.

Julia and T with red boots

We were told some amazing facts by the woman teamster and the one that startled me the most was the fact there is 45,000 people living in one square mile in downtown Vancouver!! They are literally on top of each other. Vancouver for me is a great place to visit but give me the wide open prairies any day.

I headed off to Horseshoe Bay terminal by city bus- the one which stops at every stop. Very scenic. I met Kathy and we had a wonderful lunch in a quiet corner of a seafood restaurant. We talked non stop about our lives from noon until 7 pm about our partners Lee and Judy and about our lives as  widows. It was so affirming. I look forward to continuing this friendship.



Denise and Kathy



The day of the big concert September 15, 2012

Today we seemed to go off in different directions. I walked from English Bay all the way over to China town and I took my time poking around. Who would have thought I'd trip over a Western boot store! I went in and smelled the leather and talked to a woman working there asking if they had palm flat brimmed hats No luck. Somehow we started to talk about boots Next thing I know the 70 something owner sat x legged on the floor in front of me and I was trying a pair of Boulet boots (the best) . He asked me some questions to figure out if I knew how to buy boots then proceeded to give me a great lesson. I ended up walking out with a great pair of boots which I wore all the way back to the hotel!

I stopped for a dim sum lunch. Now I love dim sum and I realised I had always eaten it with others most fondly Lee. NEVER eat dim sum alone. Its not fun. There is too much food. Like I got 4 pieces of a coconut desert! So not one to throw any food away I packed up the desert and headed out stuffed. I was asked several times for money from people on the streets and I offered food. I had taken a stash of fruit with me. In some cases people took what I offered and in others they said No to the offer. I was particularly saddened by one young woman with gorgeous dreadlocks and stained fingers (smoking something serious?)
Oh a mother's nightmare to see their child in that shape. I did run across a woman fighting breast cancer and she did accept my leftover dim sum. We had a great conversation and a hug in front of the Olivia cruise ship about to take sail, for the passage to Alaska. I continued along the promenade and gawked at the expensive yachts and home made house boats. Guess which ones I was attracted to?!

We all went to the concert together and each of us pitched in with helping make this concert happen. Patricia plays the harp and Pam the grand piano. They went back and forth with selections including some poetry and songs about the prairie. I swear they were there just for me It sure felt like that.

The concert was a complete success and we were all high as a kite after. Then the food attack came. This time we aimed for a Thai restaurant but when we could not locate it we turned into a Persian one. What a good choice. The baklava had pistachios and rose water with honey. Such a decadent treat. We continued great conversations. Patricia by the way is an astrologer. She is wildly intuitive and highly skilled at this.I really took notice any time she had anything to say to me. I loved it. All three women were quite supportive  as I fessed up my fears about Sunday when I would be going to Horseshoe Bay ferry terminal to meet a woman named Kathy from Parksville on the island. I found her on line just a few weeks ago and corresponded with her because she was a widow just like me. Well we really hit it off via emails with amazing support. I so longed for widow support and she did too. Support from women who had been there. We exchanged story after story about our partners and we told each other about all the little things we missed. It was wonderful and unlike any other support I have received including my very best friends (who have not experienced widowhood) I was coached to remain open, be myself completely and listen. I calmed down...........

It's been 6 months

KD Lang was fantastic! My sister Debra and I enjoyed the performance immensely. Spine tingling music. She was so in the moment and such a flirt on stage. It was absolutely delightful. I slept over at Deb's and Carol came from Kamsack to meet me at close to noon. It was a strange yet delightful experience to meet someone I had only emailed and talked to on the phone maybe 3 times? We grabbed some food and went to the airport. Today marks the 6 month anniversary of Lee's death.

On the plane we chatted about all sorts of things and tears flowed easily. It was lovely. You know no one gives a shit or even notices if someone has tears rolling down her face in public. It was so easy so nice and just right. In Vancouver we were met by Patricia Sereno and Pam Gerrand friends of Carol. Carol introduced these 2 musicians to each other and encouraged them to collaborate. So they did! Saturday night would be their first concert.

We left the airport and got settled into the Sands Hotel right down by English Bay What a great location! And what a gift from Patricia. Then to eat. Well this was an experience. I had just got off the plane and felt quite grounded and indeed very hungry. Our hosts were soooooo nice yet energized and 'way out there and not grounded in my estimation' and wanted to please so with 25 choices of ethnic restaurants and wandering around I finally barked "Just pick a f....restaurant!"  Did it matter really?? So needless to say I created a bit of stir by being my bold self. But we were eating shortly thereafter! We all decided we had a lot to learn from each other and I certainly felt free to be me.

After a wonderful meal and walk we went back to Patricia's condo where I was asked to share the dvd tribute of Lee. I also showed my March 31 speech and our commitment ceremony. It was all quite lovely. I told the story of Lee's last days through gentle tears and when I finished I looked at my watch and be damned! It was 11:30 Saskatchewan time!! Exactly 6 months since Lee passed.

Both Patricia and Pam offered a gift of music and I was transported to another place. It was the perfect day to celebrate Lee and to recognise that now I want to move on. I could not imagine this day at the start and yet at day's end I felt so complete, honored and even loved by strangers. It was all about receiving and it felt so damned good...............Thank you Patricia, Pam and Carol for becoming my friends on such short notice. Thank you thank you thank you.

Please check out these women' web sites and listen to their music. You will love it as I did.

September 13

Things change and opportunities present themselves! Tonight my sister Debra and I spend the evening at the KD Lang concert then tomorrow I head off to Vancouver for the weekend! Carols workshop was cancelled and then she invited me to come to Kamsack anyways. Then she emails asking how spontaneous I might be. What a dare! Come to Vancouver with her to a Saturday night concert.

So I have taken the dare and will spend time on the plane tomorrow talking - no doubt about the fact that tomorrow is 6 months since Lee died. It will all be good. More when I get home..............

Tribute Ride for Lee September 23

Well, it was noted in the March 31 service bulletin for the celebration of Lee's life that we would be doing a tribute ride for her. We have nailed down a date. September 23. Riders can arrive around 9:30 to be prepared to leave the yard at 10-10:30. Margaret and Nelson's yard is 2 miles straight east of the TV tower on highway #54. Bring a saddle bag trail lunch. Nelson will lead us over to the Big Valley Acres. We will return to the yard about 4 and have a campfire. I will provide a bunch of hot dogs and buns and you bring a lawn chair. Extra non riders are certainly welcome.I'd appreciate people letting me know the numbers who are coming so I can get enough food. I am sure there will be lots of Lee stories around the campfire.

Lee so enjoyed the Big Valley Acres. If you have been to Craven look north west into the hills and that's where we will ride. This time of year was Lee's favourite season. She would often comment on enjoying the warm but not stinking hot days of fall. The smell of wet leaves, the sounds of migrating flocks and the change of colours all made it her favourite time of the year.

If people want to walk to the area you can follow on foot. You are not likely to keep up to our horseback speed but you can certainly enjoy the sights. Its about a mile and a half from Nelson's to the top of the valley.

I am coming up to September 14 this Friday which will be 6 months since Lee died. I cannot believe it how time flies.

September 9 Things Change

"They"say change is the only thing we can count on. So might as well embrace it I say. The From Fear to Love seminar was cancelled due to insufficient sign ups. Very disappointing at first But then Carol suggested coming anyways. So I will do that. Great chance to make some new friends. I'll survey some building projects they have on the dream board and relax. Then the last couple days of my September holiday will be at Trails End with my bus and horse. Yeh.

Sister Debra and I drove out to visit with Trevor and Karen Harriot south of Indian Head. Several years ago I supervised the build of a cabin for them and now they are considering an addition. They treated us to lunch and we bantered around lots of ideas and I left them with a list of things to do. Wonderful visit.

We then headed up to Wynyard north of Indian Head and we drove on some roads we had never been on before. Lovely country. Spent the trip gabbing about everything under the sun. A lemon pie and a sour cream pie waited for us at home. I simply put an order in to Mom for the latter and presto! There it was.
Today we spent the morning chainsawing trees

One thing led to another after I got the chainsaw started and we ended up with quite a pile of brush.

Stopping for a rest Dad who just turned 92, Mom turned 87 September 7 Debra and me.

This is Dad not waiting for me and the chainsaw. He used a swede saw and loped off a limb from a town tree. This was after he crawled up the ladder to find dirt and leaves in the eaves trough. He did this while I was on the other side of the house talking to Mom and Deb. When I came back to the front there he was holding a pot that lacked a handle. I asked "What's that? A pot to pee in?" Then he told me why he wanted it. To take up the ladder to clean out the trough. I went up and did it and realised how did he know there was dirt in there? He confessed he had been up there behind my back. Heesh. Once again- we count our blessings.

September already

My how time flies. The mornings are cool and crisp and I must say I enjoy this time of year more than any other. It's the time of year we would normally prepare for winter. Some years the prep work was left too late and snow came. We learned our lesson Do it early and take our time.

So now how do I do this? Lee and I had the habit of staying home every long weekend and sharing work. This gave staff well deserved time off.I can manage to do a certain amount of chores and clean up while I look after seniors but I feel split if you know what I mean. I like to not rush. I like to be organised and finish jobs. When I look after seniors and do some of the chores I rarely feel like I can say "Well that's done". Lee would come home on Friday with any city stuff like food, printer ink and paper for the photo copier (like I need right now)

The answer? I will be taking off a day mid week on a regular yet flexible basis. This way I can do some personal things, doctor appointments(I need prescriptions renewed) , get my eyes tested (I need to do this), and pick up new bath mats and what not. When I get home from the city I can spend the rest of the day puttering on outside chores. I'll do that for a bit and see if that works out. I may start talking our loud to myself if I am stuck on a problem. We used to keep each on track. Often times we would clarify in the morning what the plan was for the day I learned to keep the list short like 3 items. When those were done we would re convene and make another list. It worked well.... until Lee would say "How about we do this?.... and add another item to the list That drove me nuts. I would remind her about our agreement.Let's keep it simple. Lee would remind me what I was doing after being distracted by whatever (usually then  I said What f was I doing?)  I would keep her from going to wild blue yonder. She loved to change things just for the simple reason its time for a change in her mind. I would want to leave things well enough alone. I would always ask whats wrong with leaving this the way it is? (I would be thinking Why the f do you want to do that?) Often times she could not give me an answer so that fence for instance stayed put. If it works leave it alone dammit. Do we NEED to make this change NOW or can it go on the 2013 list?

You see the royal WE word was thrown around a lot and WE really meant ME in a lot of cases. I was the one who had specific desired skills and energy. Anytime I heard the words WE SHOULD........ and it involved WORK it really meant more for me. Let me tell you I really objected to that in a nice way.

I do not want to do yard and chore work on my allotted days off. I am selfish and protective of that personal time. I am carving out a new normal.

I will likely not go riding until September 23 when we have the tribute ride for Lee. It will be held at the Big Valley Acres and the start point will be Margaret and Nelson's yard. People will bring their own lunch and perhaps we will have a wiener roast at the end of the ride and story telling time. Non riders certainly can join us for that. More detail later.