August 31 New Beginings

Well today I got a new resident. She came with her therapy dog, a lovely tri colored border collie who has already been tested here. Sadie did not make any moves to chase cats or kill chickens and she comes when called. This gave her the green light to stay.

I just about didn't get the green light from my 2 women who have varying degrees of dementia. People with dementia like things to remain the same and they are usually resistant to change. They were quite curious who this was and what all the kerfuffle was about with all the stuff coming and going. I sat down and explained to them both that I can take care of 5 people. This woman needs help just like they do. I explained she had experienced 6 strokes already and its good for her to live with others. At supper they warmed up to her very well as she can carry on a great conversation. She too has some memory loss so they are all in the same boat. Its amazing to watch natural compassion rise up after feelings of I suspect fear, anxiousness and wonderment. What the hell is going on?  There is little reason to explain this impending change in advance because they are so in the moment. If I had told them at noon that a new woman was coming this afternoon by the time she arrived it would be all new information. Best just to work with what's right in front of us.

All 3 people need attention of one sort or another at 8 pm. Pills, pjs and assistance getting the commode all lined up. I have 12 hour days and I am on a 14 day straight run. Oh I had Wednesday off to drive the bus home! I love my work. Its an opportunity to do simple things that make a  big difference in people's lives.

So needless to say I didn't have much time to feel for sorry for myself today. I do have a great book on grief (one of several I have) on my living room chair so when I sit with the seniors to watch TV I can read a bit. What I am looking for is some kind of indication I am moving on....and what I am feeling is normal. I know that intellectually but.....

August 30 Sadness as an energy sapper

I have not read this in a book and no one has told me this but I have decided for me that sadness saps my energy. For those who know me,  most would likely agree I have a good lot of steady energy perhaps like an endurance athlete. Today I am dragging my ass. It could be the coming down off a holiday high. It could be because I have been thinking about Thanksgiving and Lee's ashes.

Lynda and Louise were out today for a visit prepared to work. I didn't have the energy to even think of anything they might do! We had a look at the area out by the road where Jazz is buried and we determined where that exact spot would be. We used to have a sign there and that has since come down. I found the impressions of the rocks we used to circle a small weed infested flower garden. Now part of that area is a rough lawn that gets mowed and the other part grows wild and is unkept. I think it makes sense to loosen the area up with the rototiller and I can plant a shrub or tree.

We had a bit of a cry at lunch simply talking about not believing Lee is REALLY gone. It is simply unbelievable. This is a common grief experience. Our head and mind knows its true but our hearts pain from the loss. It is coming up to 6 months. How can that be?

I look forward to a seminar at http://www.ravenheartfarms.com/ called From Fear to Love. Its an equine assisted learning opportunity and I am very curious about that. I do not feel any fear about going to the seminar. I feel quite excited about it. September 14 will be the 6 month anniversary of Lee's death and I will be in the safe arms of the women at Ravenheart. I love to learn and be in the here and now. To be with horses is an added bonus. I am thinking this will be an opportunity to close this chapter and start another one.

August 29 Home Again

I left this morning at 8 am to go to Assiniboia to pick up my bus, trailer and horse. Made the trip in 2 1/2 hours with Dallas' car. The bus sure looks great with brand new tires. The bill was even easy to handle. Picked up the trailer, took down the electric fence holding Jet in and loaded him up. The trip home was hot and windy. Very windy. I was quite distracted by the new sounds of the winds from the southwest and the rocking and rolling of the bus. I told myself I survived the tire drama so I can handle anything today!

I just about had some drama as luck would have it. Just before Moose Jaw I saw out of the corner of my right eye the tarp that was screwed to the side of the bus to act as an awning was shredding in the wind. I calculated that if it did rip off I'd likely have some warning. Quite a few years ago I investigated getting an honest to goodness real awning and I quickly changed my mind hearing the over $1000 price tag. Instead I resurrected an 8' piece of flat steel an inch wide by 1/4" thick, sandwiched a Canadian Tire $10 tarp between the steel and the bus and presto. Handy awning. I rolled it all up with 3 of my Dad's old belts that he passed onto me thinking they would end up in Value Village. As it was we rarely used the tarp so I expect I'll just take it down.

In Moose Jaw I opened a can of smoked oysters and lined some crackers up on the dash. Oh  I sure missed Lee today. One of the best things travelling together in the bus was that she loved to drive and I loved to 'make house'. I'd line up cheese and crackers and BC cherries on the dash and keep her hydrated. We would both watch for traffic and especially at intersections. Both of us were driving even though only one was in the captains chair. I miss that a lot. Feeling good about accomplishing all of this on my own today is trumped by the fact that I really miss Lee and feel sad.

As with all feelings and as I remember Lee's Mom often saying, this too shall pass.

August 23 On the Road Again

Thursday was my last day so late morning I headed up to Maple Creek for gas and a vet check for Jet's cough he started Nothing wrong with him so that's a relief. I took #21 to Spring Valley Guest Ranch to visit with Jim Saville. Had a lovely visit supper and breakfast and even watched a local Hutterite person artificially inseminate a cow!  Friday headed towards Wood Mountain  stopping in Eastend for a farmers market. On the road between Shaunavin and Cadillac I heard a fwupfwupfwup sound coming from underneath me. Long story short my tires were loosing their treads. In Cadillac a very nice family at a garage changed the one noisy tire to my spare and cautioned me to drive slow the rest of the way. I felt the loneliest and most vulnerable on this particular Friday and I got through it all by staying in the moment. Normally on the road Lee and I would banter back and forth and discuss things and if we came upon a problem we would solve it together. I ended up watching my breathing and calming myself down as I was literally out in the middle of no where with very few farms or ranches. Traffic was sparse. As an old girl guide I thought of all the things I could do if I were to get in a REAL pickle. Stop. Saddle up my horse and ride for help! Cell phones do not work in that area.

It all worked out I called Dallas and made arrangement to come directly to his farm south of Assiniboia so arrived there about 4 pm. Once again Dallas became a lighthouse in a storm.

Dallas grew up on this farm so knows everyone He quickly called a tire shop and arranged for me to get new tires to be installed Wednesday when I'll go back and pick up the bus. Dallas lent me a car and I left Jet and the trailer in his yard. Big adventure.

August 16 The start of a 10 day holiday

Today I left with Jet, the bus and trailer and headed for the Reesor Ranch  for their cattle round up and branding week. As luck would have it good friends Margaret and Nelson were in the Cypress Hills Equestrian camp with Iris and Dave while I was at Reesors! I had supper with them that first night and left with the intention of re connecting with them for a park ride sometime later on in the week. Friday I was surprised at breakfast with the news we were to have Bob and Debbie Kaufman for the day to give us all any horse lessons we might want! They approached the day with the suggestion that we can all afford to go back to the basics with our horses and understand how to break things down to achieve success quicker. For instance, I wanted to learn to open a gate on hinges from horseback. Jet is terrific on a ride with me when I want to stop and open a field wire pasture gate. He puts his nose on the gate post perpendicular to the fence and I get off, open the gate and he follows me to the other side. I do up the gate then re board the horse and off we go. Now I want to learn to come up parallel to the metal gate, reach over and undo the latch, pull the gate towards my horse (scary for the horse at first) and go through the gate still hanging onto it. I need to manoeuvre my horse back and forth with ease to complete the task. We worked at it for part of the morning and both of us got frustrated. After lunch we were reminded to break it all down to one step at a time. Take one step. Stop. Rest. Relax, Take a second step and so on. Keep the horse in position. After lunch I had a new approach and we were successful. It was not pretty but we got through the gate! This involves whats called side passing. It would be like you taking steps to the side over and over again.

I think the 'break it down' concept is a good lesson for me in general life!

What a bonus! To have a horse seminar thrown into the week. We were given wonderful meals all week and I had no self discipline over scarfing down volumes of good food. My only complaint for the week- ME and no self discipline for food.

Saturday we rode and were shown the boundaries of where the cattle were. We were to round them all up and move them from pasture to pasture to end up closer to the corrals. Right before we got to the last gate I took Jet down a steep embankment away from the other horses and I think he took exception to my actions. He reacted  by shying and jumping to the left and I went to the right through the air and landed on my butt. I didn't get the wind knocked out of me but I did loose a boot. I checked myself out and determined I was just fine. Got back up shook myself off and re mounted. I was a bit sore but had no problem sleeping on my hip. No worries.

Sunday the 19th was branding day. We got up early and were in our saddles at 6 am to round up and move the bunch to the branding area. The cows and calves were separated. I later chose to sit in a lawn chair and take pictures instead of getting in with the thick of things. Anyone who eats meat ought to see this event. Pictures to follow. I had never had prairie oysters before. Have you? When calves are castrated their testicles are saved, the membranes are ripped off, they are flattened with a cleaver, dipped in a homemade version of shake and bake, then deep fried. Tastes like calamari. I had one for the experience. Others got right in there and roped calves, innoculated, castrated and ear tagged. Hot smelly and exciting. Often somewhat dangerous if you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Fortunately all humans were spared injures.

Riding 'On the Bench'

Bringing the cow/calf pairs home for branding

Branding is all about team work

Joan does the castrating

Tuesday  we were up and riding at 6 am again to push the cow calf pairs up to the border of the Cypress Hills park. We waited for the ranger who counted 30 pairs which ran through the gate.

I was told Reesors land is the same altitude as Banff around 4000'. I did not take my gps unit with me to verify but will next time. The hills apparently were skirted when the ice glaciers came down years ago. This has left this area as its own little piece of heaven. Tall pines, its own climate, rugged landscape. Great riding area.

I met some wonderful people and had many great conversations. I often thought of Lee as we had planned to do this trip togther. It was all good.

Only other mishap happened as I came to a ditch where we went down sharply then up sharply. Jet took a leap to canter up the hill (not what I had planned) I flew up in the saddle and came down and landed my pubic area right smack dab onto the horn! YIKES. I survived and I walked away from it.

Dear Lee August 10 -12 Folk Festival

Twenty years ago we went to our first folk festival in Regina. Back then it was free and at half time during the evening concerts they passed KFC buckets around to collect money to support the festival. I think they had several years 'in the hole' and now they charge $110 for a 3 day pass. Bruce Steele of CBC fame used to MC the evening.

I didn't realise what a roller coaster I'd go on this weekend. In that atmosphere you would think I could stay in the moment but no- I drifted off down memory lane to thoughts of you. I remember having cold hands and me slipping them in under your shirt to warm them up. You gasped at the touch yet kept them there. If you had done that to me I would likely have slapped you! The folk festival was the perfect public place to steal kisses and hold hands. We were still in the dating phase and I was still not ready to tell the world we were 'relating'. However the flirt in me loved the opportunity for public displays of affection. The music was intoxicating and I expect it was likely foreplay.

Over the weekend as I was moved by the music tears filled my eyes several times but they didn't run down my face. They simply flooded my eyes and blurred my vision and I sucked it up. Nostalgia. I am a big suck for that as you well know.I stayed with the moment and then it passed. Arlo Guthrie and Emmylou Harris were fabulous and my favourites. I remember them singing back in the 60's and hearing Woody Guthrie- Arlo's father. Their songs seem to be timeless. The damp cool dark evenings sitting in a crowd of more or less strangers made the experience so enjoyable. I think the feelings I had were more nostalgia than sadness for myself.

After all I am the one who tears up when I see kittens in tv toilet paper commercials.

August 9, 2012 More Down Time on the Way

I am just finishing working 2 weeks straight and now I have some down time coming. I start with the Regina Folk Festival and I am going with my sister Debra. I expect we will have a great time. Lee and I used to go to the festival a long time ago. I am especially looking forward to Emy Lou Harris and Arlo Guthrie. I am a little concerned about a bunch of bands/performers who I haven't heard before. I hope they aren't a bunch of noise makers.

I work Monday- Wednesday then Thursday morning take off for the Reesor Ranch and a week of cattle and calf round up and branding. I am very excited. I will stop and visit with the Freisen family on the way there and on the way back I will swing around to Wood Mountain and take in a small folk festival before coming home August 26.

Sasha and Claire were here over the August long weekend. It was nice to see them riding again. They really enjoyed the new kitchen where Claire invented a rainbow version of death by chocolate. White cake batter turned purple, vanilla pudding turned orange and cool whip turned green. Quite pretty to look at. I taught Claire how to cook when she was 2 years old. She is very creative and not afraid to alter recipes.

When Sasha got back to Winnipeg she called and asked about Thanksgiving weekend. Would grampa and gramma be there (my parents)?  I checked in with them and yes they would come.Well now Sasha and the girls plan to come. YEH! I have invited Louise and Lynda and my circle the wagon friends as I think it would be a good time to bury the remainder of Lee's ashes. 

I find Thanksgiving weekend to be so much more meaningful to me than Christmas day. I always asked Lee to say grace and she always did a fine job of including everyone. We always remember and make a point of mentioning the names of those not here and those family members who have passed. After all its all about being grateful. I also realized that being with family for this final ashes ceremony is important to me so I extended an invitation to come for 4 pm and stay for supper. 

Tears come when I imagine this year without Lee. Mary will say grace and Mary will do a fine job. It just won't be the same without her. How do we get used to these things?

Now a big decison- where should the ashes go? I am leaning towards where Jazz is burried. I can see it from the kitchen window and I can plant a flowering shrub there. Lee so loved that dog....

Perhaps we will discuss this as a group and take a vote...