Mark reading the Cowboy's Prayer
Monday 30 July 2012
Photos from Grasslands July 6 Spreading Lee's Ashes
Mark reading the Cowboy's Prayer
Sunday 22 July 2012
July 23 Excitement in the Air
Saturday sister Debra and Iris and I drove up to Last Mountain and spent the good part of the day riding. Lots more water up there than normal so we detoured through some areas. At one point we rode along the edge of a newly formed slough and we picked our way through aspens. Finally we dead ended and had to choose an old cattle path now deer path through the thick brush. Buddy led the way. Jet followed with me Horses if they can duck their head and get through brush they will move forward never mind there is a person riding! So it took some coordination to keep branches both dead and alive from whacking me in the face. Horses are herd animals so I knew the other 2 would follow. Here is where trust plays its hand. At some point I saw daylight and an opening. There is a great feeling of exhilaration when completing a horse challenge and an opportunity for laughter. We can hardly believe we just did THAT!!
When we ride we always ride at the rate of the person with the least experience or the most fears. Debra hit the dirt before the ride when we were haltering the horses so she thought it best to pack it in while the going was good. Good choice. Conversations come and go. It was a great day.
Kitchen is almost done. I could live like this forever now but I will spend time with some attention to details. Marisa eldest grand daughter is on her way with her BF for a week so I look forward to that. I sent her an email this morning reminding her don't bring an drugs, smokes or booze and she laughed and agreed of course. As a Gramma I can get away with being very blunt. She respects that.
I have just finished reading Intimate Death How the Dying Teach Us How to Live. I have had a voracious appetite for reading anything about healing and grief and this book is a great one. It really is all about living. I got a better understanding about how it was actually so easy for me to be with Lee during her last days. And I'd do it all over again in a minute with her or anyone else who I loved. Dying is a scary thought to many and many think that if they don't talk about it, then it won't happen. Well, I have come to terms with Lee's death and with my own at some point and in the meantime I plan to live each minute of each day with as much consciousness as I can muster.
When we ride we always ride at the rate of the person with the least experience or the most fears. Debra hit the dirt before the ride when we were haltering the horses so she thought it best to pack it in while the going was good. Good choice. Conversations come and go. It was a great day.
Kitchen is almost done. I could live like this forever now but I will spend time with some attention to details. Marisa eldest grand daughter is on her way with her BF for a week so I look forward to that. I sent her an email this morning reminding her don't bring an drugs, smokes or booze and she laughed and agreed of course. As a Gramma I can get away with being very blunt. She respects that.
I have just finished reading Intimate Death How the Dying Teach Us How to Live. I have had a voracious appetite for reading anything about healing and grief and this book is a great one. It really is all about living. I got a better understanding about how it was actually so easy for me to be with Lee during her last days. And I'd do it all over again in a minute with her or anyone else who I loved. Dying is a scary thought to many and many think that if they don't talk about it, then it won't happen. Well, I have come to terms with Lee's death and with my own at some point and in the meantime I plan to live each minute of each day with as much consciousness as I can muster.
Saturday 14 July 2012
July 14 Four months
Dear Lee .
Four months since you died I cannot believe it Time is flying by.
I am doing OK on my own as you know I would. I so miss sharing. I have been keeping busy and being very physical which I love. I demolished the kitchen and installed new cupboards this week. The sink will go in Monday. I can just imagine you walking in around the corner after a week of work in Regina and I can see your cheeky smile and twinkle in your eyes. You would love it. You know the kitchen is my favourite room in the house and I will really enjoy it a lot Louise and Lynda have helped so much with re organizing all the contents. When I thanked them they reminded me "We are family". So nice to hear.
I am moving on Lee. We didn't have time to talk about this but I know you would want that. I assured you that I would be OK. You know me to be quite capable of handling life and all of its challenges. I am reaching out and making contact with people and being as social as possible. I am finding support on line and that certainly helps.
Releasing some of your ashes last week was a good thing to do. I know you weren't in the Grasslands area that we were in but I do know you would have loved it.
You will always have a space in my heart as I move on in life. xoxoDenise
Four months since you died I cannot believe it Time is flying by.
I am doing OK on my own as you know I would. I so miss sharing. I have been keeping busy and being very physical which I love. I demolished the kitchen and installed new cupboards this week. The sink will go in Monday. I can just imagine you walking in around the corner after a week of work in Regina and I can see your cheeky smile and twinkle in your eyes. You would love it. You know the kitchen is my favourite room in the house and I will really enjoy it a lot Louise and Lynda have helped so much with re organizing all the contents. When I thanked them they reminded me "We are family". So nice to hear.
I am moving on Lee. We didn't have time to talk about this but I know you would want that. I assured you that I would be OK. You know me to be quite capable of handling life and all of its challenges. I am reaching out and making contact with people and being as social as possible. I am finding support on line and that certainly helps.
Releasing some of your ashes last week was a good thing to do. I know you weren't in the Grasslands area that we were in but I do know you would have loved it.
You will always have a space in my heart as I move on in life. xoxoDenise
Tuesday 10 July 2012
Moving On July 6-7-8
Back at camp I loaded Jet up. I had taken down the electric fence in the morning. I left the park with a smile on my face. I had done it- holidayed alone but with a great bunch of friends. I headed for Dallas's farm and arrived just in time for supper with him and Wayne. They insisted I stay in the house so I enjoyed indoor plumbing and fabulous food. Lee and I had met the guys at the rodeo last year and we reconnected at Lee's service. What a gift of connection.
The next morning Dallas had the day all planned. In no particular order we saw his special pasture, St Victor's museum and petroglyphs, the museum at Willowbunch and we ended up at the rodeo. We stopped in for a visit at the Mergell ranch. We ran into an old friend of mine Lois Baillie who had recently married Clayton Jack. We got caught up on the latest news and they told us about the big adventure they were now on. When we arrived home in the dark there they were sitting on the deck sipping wine. Stayed up until past midnight and had conversations on every subject! The next morning after breakfast I left with Jet and headed for Nichol Flats on the east end of Buffalo Pound Lake. I stopped at the main office and got specific directions as I normally come in from the north. I was now coming into the area from the opposite direction. I clearly stated I planned to ride my horse. They returned the $7 I had paid for the park fee and I was on my way. I wanted to ride Jet alone with no other horses and people around. Another notch in my belt. Horses are herd animals and now I was his herd. It was lovely. We stopped and both ate Saskatoons along the paths. Lee and I had ridden here often and this was a favourite spot. I would leave some ashes here. I found a lovely spot near the Nichol house and 3 huge cottonwoods. I tied Jet up to graze and got the ashes out. I decided to read aloud the prayers and poems in Lee's bulletin. My grief counsellor had told me that giving voice to writing adds another layer of healing. Tears gently flowed and I choked out the words. My horse was oblivious to what I was experiencing just munching on any grass he could reach. I once again took handfuls of ashes and spread them around the base of the trees.
A short ride later I arrived back at the parking lot to find a warning from a conservation officer. It is illegal to ride horses in the park! I was shocked! I am sure I had permission years ago and we and others had ridden there many times. Monday morning I called the office and told my story and asked many questions. They will be getting back to me with an explanation. Why do some parks allow horses and others not? Does this mean I will never ride there again? I am unlikely to walk over to those huge cottonwoods again. Why walk when I can ride a horse?!
Back at home I caught up with Margaret and Nelson who drove in the yard same time as I did. All was well here. Got caught up with Mary and Iris who returned from their holiday early. They ran nto a heat wave and escaped to back home.
I get a new resident August 1 so this is good. Now to the kitchen renovations. Cupboards arrive Tuesday afternoon.
The next morning Dallas had the day all planned. In no particular order we saw his special pasture, St Victor's museum and petroglyphs, the museum at Willowbunch and we ended up at the rodeo. We stopped in for a visit at the Mergell ranch. We ran into an old friend of mine Lois Baillie who had recently married Clayton Jack. We got caught up on the latest news and they told us about the big adventure they were now on. When we arrived home in the dark there they were sitting on the deck sipping wine. Stayed up until past midnight and had conversations on every subject! The next morning after breakfast I left with Jet and headed for Nichol Flats on the east end of Buffalo Pound Lake. I stopped at the main office and got specific directions as I normally come in from the north. I was now coming into the area from the opposite direction. I clearly stated I planned to ride my horse. They returned the $7 I had paid for the park fee and I was on my way. I wanted to ride Jet alone with no other horses and people around. Another notch in my belt. Horses are herd animals and now I was his herd. It was lovely. We stopped and both ate Saskatoons along the paths. Lee and I had ridden here often and this was a favourite spot. I would leave some ashes here. I found a lovely spot near the Nichol house and 3 huge cottonwoods. I tied Jet up to graze and got the ashes out. I decided to read aloud the prayers and poems in Lee's bulletin. My grief counsellor had told me that giving voice to writing adds another layer of healing. Tears gently flowed and I choked out the words. My horse was oblivious to what I was experiencing just munching on any grass he could reach. I once again took handfuls of ashes and spread them around the base of the trees.
A short ride later I arrived back at the parking lot to find a warning from a conservation officer. It is illegal to ride horses in the park! I was shocked! I am sure I had permission years ago and we and others had ridden there many times. Monday morning I called the office and told my story and asked many questions. They will be getting back to me with an explanation. Why do some parks allow horses and others not? Does this mean I will never ride there again? I am unlikely to walk over to those huge cottonwoods again. Why walk when I can ride a horse?!
Back at home I caught up with Margaret and Nelson who drove in the yard same time as I did. All was well here. Got caught up with Mary and Iris who returned from their holiday early. They ran nto a heat wave and escaped to back home.
I get a new resident August 1 so this is good. Now to the kitchen renovations. Cupboards arrive Tuesday afternoon.
Monday 9 July 2012
July 6 Lee's Ashes at Grasslands
I woke up with a clear picture of what I wanted to do. I walked over to the Friesen camp and asked Donna if her family would sing for me at noon and she said yes. With tears in my eyes and a choking voice I told her why. Of course they would. As I rode that morning I thought a lot about Lee and I decided that YES I would leave some here in an area where she had not ridden. She would have loved it here. I made it all OK. I also imagined Mark our cowboy poet reading the Cowboy's Prayer from the service bulletin. He said yes he would. To me it didn't matter where we would be Any location would be fine. I did not have a need to pick a certain spot After all I had GPS and could find it again. Lunch is always near water for the horses. We stopped and had lunch and as we were about to get ready to leave I made eye contact with Donna and they started to sing Amazing Grace. I handed Jet's reins to Neil and I took Lee's ashes out of her saddle bags. I plunged my bare hand into the ashes and scattered them while silently sobbing and walking in a circle. Then they sang Lee's favourite hymn. How Great Thou Art. Well..... what a wonderful experience. When they finished Mark with a shaky voice read the poem. I walked to him and we hugged and I took Jet back and then everyone came and hugged me. I thanked them for their presence.Grown men with tears in their eyes. I loved it. Many commented that Lee would have loved the service and I agree.
At some point it was time to dry the tears and water Jet. The wagons returned the same way they came and the rest of us took off to the badlands again Doug led us through some amazing areas. At one point we scrambled up a steep area with rocks and dirt sliding off the hill. Horses know if they can handle this. Jet just looked up and picked his way after Doug got to the top. I trusted him, leaned forward a bit to make it easier for him and up we went. What a thrill! What a challenge! What a rush! What a variety of emotions today! What a view from the plateau!! We could see for miles in every direction. What a big wide world.....
I didn't cry on March 31. I was happy and celebrating Lee's life. Today I cried a lot and it was a good thing to do. I don't think it was sadness for me but rather sadness that Lee was not there riding and enjoying the experience with me.I felt loved and accepted and honoured to have these witnesses at the scattering.
Back at camp I realized when washing up that my hand was still covered in ashes. I had been using that same hand to wipe away tears and snot all afternoon during several bouts of tears. I smiled and washed my face and rinsed Lee's ashes away. Today was a great day and now life moves on.
At some point it was time to dry the tears and water Jet. The wagons returned the same way they came and the rest of us took off to the badlands again Doug led us through some amazing areas. At one point we scrambled up a steep area with rocks and dirt sliding off the hill. Horses know if they can handle this. Jet just looked up and picked his way after Doug got to the top. I trusted him, leaned forward a bit to make it easier for him and up we went. What a thrill! What a challenge! What a rush! What a variety of emotions today! What a view from the plateau!! We could see for miles in every direction. What a big wide world.....
I didn't cry on March 31. I was happy and celebrating Lee's life. Today I cried a lot and it was a good thing to do. I don't think it was sadness for me but rather sadness that Lee was not there riding and enjoying the experience with me.I felt loved and accepted and honoured to have these witnesses at the scattering.
Back at camp I realized when washing up that my hand was still covered in ashes. I had been using that same hand to wipe away tears and snot all afternoon during several bouts of tears. I smiled and washed my face and rinsed Lee's ashes away. Today was a great day and now life moves on.
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| Mark Reads the Cowboy's Prayer |
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| Surrounded by friends and Friesens singing Amazing Grace and How Great THou Art |
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| Scattering Lee's ashes |
July 5 Grasslands
. A decision was made to stay on this site all 5 days We were going to move north and west to Peterson's farm where we had camped in the past It was land Lee had ridden on and loved. While riding today Neil asked me if I had done anything with Lee's ashes I said No not yet He offered to come and be with me if I wanted company How very nice. So this got me thinking.
I need to make a decision about Lee's ashes. What am I going to do? Today I rode a the tears came a lot- just ran down my face. I wore sunglasses and I didn't care if anyone saw me anyways. I just felt and rode. I realised I wanted recognition and witness for this scattering so how to do it.... I imagined the Friesen family singing in a circle. More thoughts to come....I let it all morph... We rode back through the badlands again today I registered 19 miles on the GPS- a LONG day. But a great one.
Was invited to a spaghetti supper at the Dunn's 5th wheeler. Classy accommodation. I still love my bus. Another great campfire singing evening.I went to bed tired and achey but feeling great. In the morning I would know what to do.
I need to make a decision about Lee's ashes. What am I going to do? Today I rode a the tears came a lot- just ran down my face. I wore sunglasses and I didn't care if anyone saw me anyways. I just felt and rode. I realised I wanted recognition and witness for this scattering so how to do it.... I imagined the Friesen family singing in a circle. More thoughts to come....I let it all morph... We rode back through the badlands again today I registered 19 miles on the GPS- a LONG day. But a great one.
Was invited to a spaghetti supper at the Dunn's 5th wheeler. Classy accommodation. I still love my bus. Another great campfire singing evening.I went to bed tired and achey but feeling great. In the morning I would know what to do.
July 3 and 4 Grasslands
Today we went south along the east edge of the park and it was all top land We could look down and see the badlands. It was quite windy and storm clouds were brewing so we came back rather early. Today I got help from Les with my GPS tracker. He has an identical one. I learned how to set it to track the day. I am learning!
Jet has been amazing. Just steps right out. Very well mannered and willing. I am his buddy.
July 4 we rode to the Red Rocks. The natives ground the red ochre up and mixed it with grease for face and horse paint. Gorgeous red rocks. Saw many many tepee rings and medicine wheels. Lots of history in this area I could feel it. Apparently there are thousands of them in the park. What sacred land...
Wednesday is always a pig roast at Canopus- a very small spot on the map near the park. About 150-200 people come from far and wide. Very nice gathering. Got a ride with Bob, Pat and Shannon. I went to Shannon's house nearby and used the phone to call Dallas to ask if I could camp out at his place Friday night. He said "By all means!" Lee and I met Dallas and Wayne at the rodeo last year and they came to Lee's service. What a nice connection!.
Jet has been amazing. Just steps right out. Very well mannered and willing. I am his buddy.
July 4 we rode to the Red Rocks. The natives ground the red ochre up and mixed it with grease for face and horse paint. Gorgeous red rocks. Saw many many tepee rings and medicine wheels. Lots of history in this area I could feel it. Apparently there are thousands of them in the park. What sacred land...
Wednesday is always a pig roast at Canopus- a very small spot on the map near the park. About 150-200 people come from far and wide. Very nice gathering. Got a ride with Bob, Pat and Shannon. I went to Shannon's house nearby and used the phone to call Dallas to ask if I could camp out at his place Friday night. He said "By all means!" Lee and I met Dallas and Wayne at the rodeo last year and they came to Lee's service. What a nice connection!.
July 2 Grasslands
Sixty one people and sixty one horses. Some have teams abut 6 of them Rest are riders. Lots of 'old' faces and several new. I take special delight in seeing fathers with daughters. How precious...
We rode west today then south into the badlands. Rugged beauty. Some people would look at them and turn away. I was mesmerised. It is hard to capture on camera or describe with words It really is a here and now experience. Times like this Lee and I would ride in silence and just soak it all up. She would have loved this area. The day was warm not hot and a gentle breeze helped a lot. I am wondering abut Lee's ashes here. She didn't ride this area. Should I take them to land where we rode or would this be OK?
Rain and hail at night.
We rode west today then south into the badlands. Rugged beauty. Some people would look at them and turn away. I was mesmerised. It is hard to capture on camera or describe with words It really is a here and now experience. Times like this Lee and I would ride in silence and just soak it all up. She would have loved this area. The day was warm not hot and a gentle breeze helped a lot. I am wondering abut Lee's ashes here. She didn't ride this area. Should I take them to land where we rode or would this be OK?
Rain and hail at night.
July 1 Grasslands
I arrived here at about 5. I picked up 2 two foot levels at Canadian Tire in Moose Jaw and set one on my dash right in front of me as I was driving and the other on the counter. I could see that one by looking over my right shoulder as I was driving. The point of finding a spot is I needed LEVEL so the fridge works properly I drove into an area where others were parked and watched the levels and stopped as soon as the bubbles were centred in both directions I was level- and right in the middle of horseshoe pits! I didn't care. I stayed put. The McGowan;s campsite has changed its name to Rock Creek so it was a bit confusing for a while.Started to meet friendly faces from years past. Everyone was so kind. I volunteered to do the registration again this years and this got me meeting everyone. Great evening around the campfire singing of all genres from gospel to "There ain't no Beer in Heaven". Brenda's Dad played the accordion. The Friesen family had harmonicas, penny whistles and a guitar. Several others brought a banjo and more guitars. They played and sang every night until midnight Absolutely delightful.
I love the feeling of muscle soreness after a long day of riding. So much better than mental stress. I felt sorry I was alone for a short while until I listened to couples arguing about various and sundry things. I decided I was happy alone and I"d make the best of it. I sleep on Lee's side of the bed.
I love the feeling of muscle soreness after a long day of riding. So much better than mental stress. I felt sorry I was alone for a short while until I listened to couples arguing about various and sundry things. I decided I was happy alone and I"d make the best of it. I sleep on Lee's side of the bed.
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| Walking back from a pee |
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| Moon rising |
June 29 Trail Challenge Weekend
I'm on holidays by myself! Made it to Trails End at Alesbury by 10:30 am and got settled in. Met about 5 young women from all over the world who were helping Chris run the ranch in exchange for natural horsemanship lessons. Fine young women. Practised the trail challenge in an arena area and found Jet did very well. Many of the paint horse people appeared to have expensive show horses who probably spent more time in doors than out. Jet is used to all sorts of things so he marched over a railway tie bridge with no hesitation while others refused. Papers and fancy names mean nothing out on a trail! Saturday we had a trail ride together- about 20 people and a great steak supper. I knew I wanted to scatter some of Lee's ashes so spent some time with tears thinking about it all. Where? I decided at a buffalo rubbing stone. Big, heavy and ancient and significant historically A perfect place and Lee would agree. A couple women came with me and we rode 2 coulees over and found the site. I was surprised at the emotions that came up. I just let it all happen. Tears ran freely and in the end it felt very good. Another important step was taken. I poured out some ashes and one of the women took pictures.
For the trail challenge on Sunday morning July 1 I was selected to start it as I had mentioned I needed to get on the road to get to Grasslands. They set up a course and have a judge. Felt quite competitive. I announced to everyone that I was here to have fun and I would make mistakes and I cared not. Usually people watch the first ones up to get the picture of where the course is. They would make a mistake watching me!
First challenge was trotting up to and jump over a pole about 12" above the ground Jet jogged up and stopped Then he lifted his knee up and hit the pole knocking it down and then he stepped over it. Great funny start! Onto the raised rail tie area where we had to do a 270 degree turn then jump off the side and proceed to the lariat tied to a log. Well I could not get anywhere near the lariat so I said PASS! Now to the creek I jogged over through he creek, cantered and trotted along the other side and back across the creek in another spot No problems at all. Then up a big hill and we were supposed to go through a couple of hoops. No way. Forget it. Cantered back to 4 pickets where I dismounted and dropped my reins This is called ground tieing. I walked around the perimeter, then grabbed the reins and led Jet into a waiting stock trailer. When I came out everyone cheered! I had left the bus for easy access so cantered off and left.
As I drove away I felt so full of myself. I was pumped, psyched, whatever you want to call it! I could conquer the world. I had tears streaming down my face. I was on my own and I was doing it.
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| Spreading Lee's ashes at the buffalo rubbing stone
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