Confession Time

Dear Lee,

It's time to confess.

Within 2 months of your death I knew for sure I would partner with someone again. It simply did not feel right to imagine living on my own without a partner  for my remaining days. And I came to this conclusion because of you. Because of what we had- a relationship that honoured differences first and foremost. We supported each other through thick and thin, through lean times, through crisis, through all the good times. Leaving or quitting was never an option. Honesty and frankness was the foundation. We were so damned good together and quite frankly I want more of it. I cannot have it with you because you up and died on me dammit.

As you know I am perfectly capable of doing life on my own. I am simply a capable person. We didn't take the time to discuss life after you during your last days.  I have heard several stories from people who did have that discussion and in all cases the dying partner encouraged the survivor to love again. I am not sure this would have made a difference to me if we would have had 'the talk' so I am making this decision to move on believing that you would bless me whole hearted. I know I would have wanted that for you if the boots were on the other feet.

So on September 5 I contacted a woman who lives on Vancouver Island as she caught my eye on line. Two things drew my attention. She lounged on a couch with a dog and I saw the word 'widow' Here is what I wrote to her:

Hi I was just cruising POF and your bio popped up. The word widow caught my eye. So sorry for your loss.

I am a recent widow soon it will be 6 months.I write a blog deniseneedham.blogspot.ca the March diary tells the story of my loss. Looking to connect right now. Stay well. Denise

_______________________________________________________________________

Well it has been absolutely wonderful getting to know her. Ms. Kathy Carter. It is so easy and almost effortless exchanging thoughts and feelings with her. We quickly determined there was potential for a long term relationship and this came from supporting each other in our losses. And so you are a big part of this Lee. Kathy and I both agree that we could easily sit down- the 4 of us- and enjoy each others company. We would all like each other very much.

So risking any judgement and criticism about this decision and walking in a fearless manner I am pleased to announce that Kathy and I are now partners in life and as soon as she moves here (the goal is March) she will be my business partner too. We are not wasting any time in our separate lives so we won't when we are together. Until and unless someone experiences widowhood it is hard to know what its really like. Its worse than trying to describe pregnancy to a never been pregnant woman. We will continue to be extremely grateful for this opportunity to love again and we will celebrate each day as if it were out last. I still don't know what Kathy's favourite colour is but I do know how she wants to die. Our conversations through email and skype cut to the chase. Nothing has been held back. Kathy visited here in October and fell in love with Saskatchewan and this place. I visit her later this month.

What took you and I years to establish we have done it in days. I thank you for that. We learnt to be patient while we made mistakes and we accepted each other as we were. What a gift!

You and I would write a Christmas Solstice letter every year and I have been thinking about that a lot. I re read the past ones and they were filled with news about our love for horses and treks, challenges and our love for each other. I assume that people who know us know of your death so I will likely simply connect via email to people I normally contact at this time of year. I will direct them to this blog and they can catch up on the news.

There is no sense in re writing anything or offering a year summary as I have spent this year keeping my life out there in the raw. I have learnt fearless behaviour, committed myself more to being in the moment and I am forging ahead at my usual waste no time pace.

This latest news should not surprise you at all nor will it likely surprise anyone who knows me well.

Wish me well. Love you always Denise

Snow Snow Lee where are you?

Lots of snow fell through the night and all day today. Its expected to continue through until tomorrow. I decided to get ahead of the game and did some removal today. This used to be Lee's job and she enjoyed it for the most part. If the equipment worked well , she was happy. I would take hot chocolate out to her and tell her she was doing a fine job even though I thought at  the time she could be doing it differently.

Snow removal is tricky. First off where is the wind blowing from and to and where do I start? The idea is to blow once and that's it. If I screw up and miscalculate I end up blowing the same snow several times. The old tractor had a cab. This newer John Deer does not. The blower is on the back so I have to drive it backwards and blow. I get a sore neck after a while. One hour is my limit and thank goodness I can get a lot done in that hour.  I had cleaned off the entire ramp in the morning then I filled it all back in with blown snow. I call it exercise when I do the second removal.

I miss Lee for lots of reasons and today is no exception. I'd give anything to look out the window and watch her.

snow fell through the night

driving back ass wards

Boots and more boots

Today I cleaned up the porch to get ready for winter. I pulled various and sundry items off the shelves and sorted and re shelved what I wanted to keep. Lee kept her footwear on these shelves and I was shocked to find and pull out into a pile 15 pairs of western boots!!

Now I had some strong responses to this find!! First shock that I never really paid any attention to the TOTAL collection. Her favourite store was Value Village and she simply loved to go there and rarely left there empty handed. I suspect what had happened she would have been drawn to the footwear section and if by chance there was a pair of western boots (cowboy boots is the word city slickers use) there in her size she simply bought them if they fit. I doubt the question "Do I really need another pair of f......ing boots?" would have entered her mind.

Now there were tall boots, fancy boots, 2 coloured boots, tooled boots, ones with riding heels, going to town boots and plain boots. In addition to these I have several pairs of her FAVORITE boots in my closet plus I gave away 2 pairs. I do not remember for sure if she was cremated with her boots on or not. Now I am thinking not.   

So this should not surprise me at all but it does. She collected knives (at least a dozen), leather gloves, and silk neck scarves. She has every colour in the rainbow and more. Oh then there's her hats...................

Lee never ever came home and said "Hey! Look what I just bought! A great used pair of boots from V Village!!" Not once. She simply bought them and brought them home and shelved them. Magical. They just appeared. I assume they fit her. I would often see her wear the same pair and I assumed they fit well and were her fav. When we travelled with the bus she always brought extra pairs - just in case. Blisters? Rain? Who knows?

I can understand a knife collection. One for every pocket and there are lots of different knives. But boots? I can only wear a pair at a time.

Lee did have secrets and this boot collection was another secret. What was she thinking? I wouldn't notice? Did she fear criticism? Like another pair of boots?!!! Well yes I imagine I would have said that. I was much more frugal than Lee was.

So what to do with these boots Size 8 -8 1/2. Take your pick. Some could go back to Value Village and some I could hang on the fence post tops that lead to my yard.  

Yes I'd like to see that.........I'll do that tomorrow..............

Boots are stacked 2 deep