Seasons Greetings 2013



December 19, 2013

Dear Friends and Family!

An email from Kathy to Denise: 2 weeks from "hello" to "addition"... incredible. Amazing that neither of us felt any "slow down! Slow down!" feelings. Yes, you were very forward..you kissed me first.....and I am so glad you did.

When I re-read our emails I am amazed at what we talked about...and so nakedly honest. We just spoke from our hearts...no game playing or artifice....

On Sept.23 I wrote ."I believe we are starting a journey that will last the rest of our lives" .......yes!

I truly don't understand how it all happened so quickly...I am so grateful it did. 

Love youxoxoKathy

WOW! What a year! Kathy came for a visit during the stormiest 10 days of January and during this time she received the news her house in Parksville had sold effective March 1. Denise surprised Kathy with a visit early February and helped pack up a 7x7 shipping cube. Kathy left the island February 14 and arrived on the 16^th with Tristan, Murphy and Macy Grey. Everything seemed to fall in place quickly. Kathy was such a trooper. I am still amazed at her courage yet now looking back it does not surprise me. Both of us checked each other often and watched for RED flags yet none came. Both of us settled into a work routine with me building in the snow and Kathy doing senior care. All the animals got along just fine. Sadly Tristan declined in April and passed after having enjoyed the snow. Riding season took precedence and work on the addition took a back seat. Because we had 5 seniors all year we were able to afford to take more time off to spend as many hours in the saddle as possible. Kathy quickly became a confident rider and her trust was amazing as I took her over some challenging trails that caught your breath. We can ride minutes from home in Big Valley acres, an hour north in the Strasbourg hills, and hour west at Trails End, down the road to the Arm River. Sask Landing and Grasslands are both about 5 hours from home and we will add Cypress Hills to our ride list for this year with the new truck and gently used trailer.

We talked about getting married because both of us wanted that experience of a strong emotional witnessed connection. What we didn’t want was to organize anything other than show up. We did each buy a new shirt and wore clean jeans and the horses had to be involved. Our friend Dallas and Wayne stepped up and agreed to host this event July 6. We planned to ride over to a lovely pasture but a rain the day before made the clay roads inaccessible for the marriage commissioner. We could not ask her to ride into the area! So we held the ceremony in Dallas’s lovely yard. Friends Margaret and Nelson rode into the area with us while the ‘boys’ played Eileen Laverty’s “The Road”. Rita Walters performed her first same sex marriage ceremony and did a great job. We exchanged rings lovely handmade and crafted by Carol Lyman. We enjoyed a lovely bbq meal and carrot cake made by an 80 year old neighbor. IT was a perfect and memorable day.

The fact that we are both widows I am sure is why we are so present, so in the moment, so grateful, so trusting our gut so everything….because life can be short. We each have a history of trusting ourselves and that flows between us. Even working out ways of communication, learning each other’s vulnerabilities, building a history together- it’s all good.

And so we share our vows with you which you can tell we each wrote and surprised each other! May this letter find you milking life for all its worth. Peace be with you all and strength to deal with whatever lands in your lap. We so appreciate your support and connection with you all.

Much love Kathy and Denise

On July 6, 2013 Denise said to Kathy these wedding vows

First off I want to acknowledge Judy and Lee. We had long and healthy relationships with them and they left us far too soon. We met because of them and we brought all the things that worked forward to this relationship. Thank you Judy and Lee.

I first emailed you September 5 2012 and you responded the next day. We supported each other in our loss by email. As luck would have it I was able to meet you in person at the Horseshoe Bay ferry terminal noon on September 16 after I had accepted an invitation to a concert in Vancouver. Three new women friends at the time advised me to be open to receive and be myself. You and I talked until after 6 pm when you took the ferry back. We continued to email then you came for a visit in October. By this time we knew we could partner and share a life. It was a done deal. I visited in December. You visited me in January- brave woman. I surprised you with a visit in February and later that month you packed up and left BC arriving here February 16.

I intend to remain open with you and be in the moment. I will receive as well as give, I will pay attention, I do value all the little things, I will check in with you often, I will provide room for you to simply be your whole self. I will remind you to breathe. There will be no incessant worry. There will be action. When we are faced with big problems we will talk it out and come up with the right solutions for us.  We will be fearless I accept you as you are.

l will be your faithful companion for the rest of our days. And……I will always check your cinch for you! I love you so much.

Then Kathy said to Denise:

September 5, 2012 was the day you entered my life. We connected through our shared experiences of grief, of losing our beloved partners., Lee and Judy. We met for the first time on September 16 and from that day on we took the leap of faith  and started to form the connections which have brought us here today..to publicly commit ourselves to each other and to our life together. 

Early on in our relationship you said magic words that have changed how I live in this world...OPEN TO RECEIVE. I have opened myself to you and your love, opened myself to the vision of moving from BC to join you in Saskatchewan, opened myself to the possibility of riding a horse!, and most importantly opening myself to be vulnerable with my feelings and not put up a wall....to stay in the moment,accept the feelings, and BREATHE.

I’m not going to say traditional vows to you. but these are words I want you always to remember:

I will love you each and every day...I will demonstrate gratitude in thoughtful ways, as you have done with me. I will speak words of appreciation to you, as  you have done with me. I will hold you when you are sad, as you have done with me. I will laugh with you, and cry with you, as you have done with me. I will plan date nights! as you have done with me.

And now I want to repeat something you wrote to me: “I think we have been given an incredible opportunity to maximize the rest of our lives by becoming partners and supporting each other to wring every ounce out of this borrowed and gifted time. Now is the time to be clear on what we want to pack into our lives. We will live each day as if it were our last and we will feel joy.”

November 12, 2013 My How Time Flies By.....

Dear Lee,

My how time flies by....I have not taken to writing in this blog since April. My writing in the past has been purely emotional driven and therapeutic. What does this mean? I have simply been absorbed in living my life as fully as possible with Kathy Carter who........ get this! became MY WIFE July 6 this past summer.

But let me back track a bit. I had ambitious plans to finish the building project before riding season. Well, its October and I can safely say we are 90% done. It is quite lovely and feels really great. And we have been riding a lot....

We had a very late spring and mid May still held onto snow in the trees on northern valley slopes. Leaves didn't pop out until late May whereas in past years the aspens showed their 'first green' around your birthday April 3.

This is Thanksgiving weekend and one of your favorite times of the year. Last year we had friends and family here to support me in burying your ashes with Jazz out at the entry to this yard. This year Kathy and I will have a turkey dinner with our 5 senior women and I'll bake some pumpkin pies made from the pumpkins grown in our garden.

The rawness of your loss has lessened so much so that I can have conversations about you anytime anywhere and not tear up. Time does heal wounds. It helps a lot that Kathy is a widow too. Both of us can talk at any time about our past sweethearts and it is always OK. I imagine if I were with a non widow she would likely say "Get over it! Enough already with the tears!!"  Not with Kathy. She understands and empathizes. As Martha Stewart would say...it's a good thing.

The loss of you was a huge wake up call for me. I made a clear decision to love fully and completely with wild abandon. The decision to get married came to us because we both had great relationships and we both wanted more.

So I will not likely write regularly anymore as I don't have a personal need for the cathartic experience of writing for personal therapy. Part of me feels sad about this but the rest of me.....well it is another gauge for how far I have come from the experience of loosing you.

I am well and doing just fine.....................

April 9, 2013

Dear Lee,

Your birthday was April 3 and you would have been 69! Holy Moses! I have missed 2 of your birthdays now. You said you wanted to retire when you reached 70. Had you been alive we would be doing a lot of talking on how all of that would work for us.

So here I am partnered with a VSW  (very special woman) and we are building an addition onto this house for a private space for her. We dug the footings that I poured last fall out of the snow and I built the pony walls last week. Monday and Tuesday I laid out the joists.Today I nailed down the floor. I stood on top of 4 foot snowbanks and it made the job easier. Friday - walls I hope. The rafters arrived today Windows arrived yesterday. Waiting for the studs for the walls then its full steam ahead. This 63 year old can still put in a good days work although my 40 year old brain is a bit more ambitious. A good time for me to be extra kind to myself.

Because we have 5 seniors here and have had 5 since late summer last year, we are taking off 4 days a week and sharing 3 days of work. This suits us both right now as I work outside and Kathy works with the seniors.

It really is good when two widows get together. At any given moment one of us could have a 'moment' and the other automatically understands. Because we have both had a major loss we really have done a lot of talking and certain things just aren't important to us anymore- like petty complaints. Both of us are really aware of how we want to spend our time. We are making plans to pack in as much in as we can. First thing is finish the addition before riding season. That will not be a problem.

March 16, 2013

I spent yesterday doing errands, stopping in to visit people, ordering flooring, getting prices for windows. I even bought a new  Samsung cell phone so I can learn to text. Lord help me. I never thought I'd see the day.

I see cell phone use as rampant and I see a disconnect with people. I have watched people in restaurants where it looks like they might be on a date. Both people are blasting away at their phones and appear to have little regard for each other. I do not want that. I want your attention and I want to give you attention when I am with you. May I be struck down if I get addicted to this new technology. May it just be used for quick messages about bringing home some milk. Will keep you posted.

Kathy, Mary, Iris and I went out for a nice supper and we laughed and told stories about Lee. Some I had forgotten and some I had not heard. There is an addition to the Lee- rum story. Iris had taken Lee to her appointments and she told me that on the way home Lee had mentioned to her that she would like some rum. Iris encouraged her to talk to me about it. Well, she did!

We got a hug dump of snow today. Plans to go and pick up Kathy's new car were put on hold. A dear friend called to ask how I was doing and we had a very REAL conversation. It is quite common when we are in our 60's to look at our mortality and make decisions on how we want to live to the end of our lives and how we want to die. Even if we figure out what we don't want for ourselves. Then we need to TELL our loved ones. Let it all be known. Do not let us guess. We all want to respect each persons right to live and die the way they want to.

I felt quite a lot lighter yesterday. Not worn down and terribly sad. I got over the hump of the one year anniversary.

And now back to a normal life. I half assed backed the tractor out of the shed and got stuck on glare ice. Could not go ahead. Could not back up.Hand throttle stuck. Had to use the foot feed. Looked down and saw a stream of lime green liquid flowing. I shut her down. To hell with it.

Phoned the neighbour to see if he was available to clear the yard. In the meantime Kathy is exercising by shovelling the main part of the driveway. It really has turned out to be a bright beautiful day.

Reaching the Milestone

Dear Lee,

364 days have passed since your death. Tomorrow will be one full year. How can this be?

I have been feeling lethargic for the past few days and have been thinking about you lot. Today I was up on the roof breaking up an ice dam that caused a leak in the porch. From the roof I had a good view of the amounts of snow in the yard.  I am guessing it will be a month before it will all be gone unless we get a fast heat wave. We have more this year than 96-97. That was the year you were busy daily with calving and lambing and blowing snow. I remember you complaining a lot about it all.

I am taking tomorrow off to 'just be'. I will go with the flow. I have a good memory of my last day with you and my last night with you alive. That would be tonight one year ago. When I went to bed I so longed for sleep but you required medications every couple of hours. Between me having to pee a couple times and you needing meds often it was impossible to get. I laid awake from about 4 am and got up shortly after.

I must admit I do not at this time want to 'do' another night. I am at the hump. I think Lee is too. I have to gain strength now and she needs to let go. What a strange thought for me. Although all of us support people agree this is the best- to hope for the end soon- its is sooooo hard to think I want her death. I don't! I want her to live another 20 years. I know that will never happen. It's just so damned hard.

When we believe something we make a decision to do that. How do I believe you are REALLY gone?
It is simply unbelievable. Maybe I will 'just get used to it'. The pain of my loss has definitely lessened. I doubt it will disappear but rather simply be manageable.

March 5 Dear Lee One Year Later

Dear Lee,

This day last year you went into Regina with Iris for some blood tests and an abdominal ultrasound. You felt well enough to have lunch at Quisnos. You were back home and you were going to live out your last 9 days. You spent your days mostly  in the lazy boy chair and nights with me in our bed. It really seems like a long time ago.

I ran into Jan your palliative nurse on Friday night along with her partner. Both were so instrumental in your care here at home. We were also making those arrangement's a year ago. When I re read my diary this week I realized I have come a very long way in my grief process. It has gotten easier - a lot easier.

The weather last year was nothing like it is this year. You blew snow once- that's it. This year I have blown many times plus our good neighbor has used his bob cat to clear the yard out several times. He is boxing himself in as he is running out of room where to put the snow. I have parked the tractor until another neighbor comes to find out where there is an antifreeze leak. If its not breaking shear pins then it's leaks. You used to get so frustrated when things like this happened. You did so much yard work. I don't think I really appreciated your work enough.I know I didn't. I wish I had told you more how much I appreciated you period.

There is 6 to 7 feet of snow piled up on the cranberry bush that was planted in Jazz's grave with your ashes. I expect it to flourish this year and every time I look at it I will think of you and be grateful for the 20 years you shared with me.

February 24, 2013

Dear Lee,

One year ago today you finally had your lung biopsy late in the evening. It would be another 10 days for the results. During this time we re organised a lot of things- cancelled your University of Saskatchewan on line theology class, cancelled some commitments you had in you day timer, passed messages along to people who 'needed to know'. It was the most scary time- not knowing what we were in for. We were still thinking they simply needed to find out what magical pills you could take to get you back in shape. Little did we know...

You appeared relatively calm to me and accepting yet I am sure you must have been scared spit-less. We were a good team thinking together of all the little details we needed to consider. Your sisters were in the Dominican and it was  not easy to get a hold of them. We wanted them to be kept in the loop yet we really didn't know too much at this point. It must have been soooo hard for them being so far away and feeling concern and worry. Last year they did make it back in time to see you 4 days before you died. This year back down in the Dominican I am sure they are re living those challenging days.

It is hard for me to believe its been almost a year. Some days it seems like yesterday you were here and on others it feels like forever.I often remind myself we just have this particular moment in our lives. The rawness of loosing you has gone. However re reading old blog posts brings back painful memories. I am very happy that I have moved on. Thank you Lee for everything................

Happy Valentines Day

Happy Valentines Day!! As far as I am concerned every day is a day for chocolate. Today I handed out some 'flowers' of chocolate to the seniors at lunch time given to us by a family member. They were thrilled. I may even get some as one senior is not fond of chocolate.

On February 3 I flew out to BC and surprised Kathy after she had finished a Pursuit of Excellence course in Nanaimo. She was indeed shocked to see me and even more shocked when I said I was there for a week. I made these plans way back in October not knowing for sure Kathy would be moving here. Between October and now I visited her in December, she came here in January and while here her house sold in 1 week. It really is amazing how all of this has worked out. It was hard at times to not give up the surprise as many people were in on it.

So now what?! I simply packed Kathy's PUP a 7'shipping cube that had been sitting in her driveway since early December. Kathy sorted through stuff and told me about several things she would like to take. One- her west coast cat tree.She loved it and wanted to take it but convinced herself there was no room for it.  I took this as a challenge. Sure enough I got it in . I also squirreled  away 4 antique press back chairs, HUGE shop vac, chop saw, shelving units, an 8' ladder and a beautiful wheel barrow I found in the back yard. Kathy is learning that I rise to a challenge on short notice and is delighted when she sees my problem solving gears turn.

The house became more and more bare so we took off with Tristan Kathy's 17 year old border collie x to Victoria for 2 days. We visited with friends, ate Thai food several times and dim sum in China town. Our friends Bunny and Connie visited Friday and  the " 4 widows"  had a GREAT talk. We heard personal stories, cried, remembered our partners, and talked about gratitude and just how lucky we all are.

We left enough furniture behind to offer Kathy's brother and sister in law a place to stay for a couple of nights. It was so good to see them, have them join us in a farewell party for Kathy put on by the spca volunteers and watch Kathy's eldest son DJ at a bar Saturday night. After I left on the 10th the remaining furniture was picked up and items distributed. Kathy has an appointment with her lawyer for paper signing today at 3 pm then she plans to leave .

I think this is significant she leaves today- Valentines day. Both of us are open to the experiences of giving and receiving. As I approach the anniversary of Lee's death this will bring up 'stuff' for Kathy too. Kathy understands plain and simple.

January Visit with Kathy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w441tko3bWY&feature=em-share_video_user

The above link is a video clip that Kathy did for me after her January visit here. She certainly experienced every kind of winter weather while here.

Milestones passed

Christmas has come and gone and so has the new year. These are known as milestones in the first year of grief. "They" say these times of the year can be hard for many reasons. I am reminded of the many Christmas's Lee worked at the hospital and she would come home to a turkey dinner that I had prepared. We just got used to  that day as a work day. I certainly missed her saying grace this year. She always did such a good job and made it sounds very inclusive. Her presence was missed that's for sure.

New Years came and went and was uneventful. We all went to bed at the usual time and did not ring in the new year. I always enjoyed January 1 and this year was as usual. Me enjoying the day.

I got an email in January from a supervisor at Lee's work. The chaplain phone received a message from a former patient of Lee's. The gentleman wished Lee a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. He had improved in the hospital since Lee provided spiritual care for him and now he wanted to thank her. He was shocked to hear of Lee's death when he was called with this new information.

I so often hear stories about Lee's contributions to this world and they were many. I also hear from people who attended the celebration of her life. I may not have had a chance to talk to them that day but they still tell me what a wonderful service we had for her.

This January I received a phone call from my young brother. His partners son just lost his father in an accident on the road. Oh what pain I felt for him. I was lucky. I was older and had a great life. This young boy will have to learn how to live with this loss. The early days of  a loss are so darned raw so painful. I really feel for him.

I still think about Lee often. Thoughts of her used to predominate my life. Not any more and this is a sign of moving long this path of grief.

My new relationship with Kathy has certainly been a distraction and a blessing all at the same time. It is so easy to talk about our former partners and so natural. There is room in our relationship for them. There is acceptance and patience to deal with bursts of grief whenever they crop up. We are simply convinced both Judy and Lee would bless this relationship whole heartily. It is  good thing.

Kathy visited for 10 days and just went back to Parksville having experienced the worst kind of January. Rain, melting, -35 you name it we had it. Blowing snow, howling winds, snowbanks in the yard, people stuck on the road out front of here. She really got a taste of winter and she passed the test. She grew up in Cranbrook and this reminded her a lot of her childhood.

Our connection has progressed rapidly and deeply so much so that Kathy is moving here early March. I look around and see how life simply goes on. We can resist change,  attempt to ignore it but in the end I am embracing what is coming to me. I remain open open open. It feels so darned right. I remain fearless and in the moment the majority of the time and forever grateful for my time with Lee and for this new opportunity. I will not ignore it and I will not waste a moment.